Believe me this is hard stuff because D w/my kids in the middle honestly is scarier than death to me.
If you read Smileyperson's thread, he talks a lot about this. I had a few things happen. First, H was out of town so I had the physical space. I really think that my conversations on here finally penetrated. I got that D is like death, an unknown, something I am running away from so it owns me and tempers all of my interactions with my kids and just in everyday life. I see women and look to see if they have rings on. Am I a single mom now? Am I a loser? Am I less than I was before? Finally, in being reminded multiple times here that I am best off accepting my worst fear, it kind of clicked and it culminated with me getting some attention IRL and my kids requiring answers from me, answers that I found a way to give them, answers I didn't know I had. And with H gone, I started to feel in my bones...he's gone. I have what I have and I am who I am and now what? And I could see myself with another man in the future and I could see that I was truly unhappy in my M and that H has his own path and his own destiny, so what is mine???
Do we have a choice? Can we evade death? Or do we learn to live with it. Doesn't knowing we are going to die free us to live and let go of things we can't control. D is the same, maybe it will be and we will live and breathe and laugh and love in spite of it.
You do not have to file, you do not have to give up. But, you must know that you are just as alive and present and spending your precious moments whether you D or not...
Am I getting through? Have a good cry. Face it. Let it go. Write in a journal or pieces of paper. Write about all of these feelings you have of betrayal and loss and regret and whatever else comes up. Let it hurt. And then watch, you will still be alive and breathing and able to get up and start a new day tomorrow. You can do this!
