Yes AAK, it does. I am trying to move myself there. I don't know what has been holding me. For a while I thought it was stength, faith in us, that some how if it didn't feel right to go there than it must not be right....
but I am starting for feel like I might be missing the capacity to say enough is enough. I mean, what would be the difference though...look where we are. We have no marriage right now, have not for going on 5 months. I get no support or even kindness from him. Maybe I need to see that I am divorced and not feel like the paper work is taking a step, that we are already there.
I don't know why I haven't gotten there. I try to really undertand, am I scared, stuburn, what is it...
you are right though. I need to face whatever it is in the face, go to the place where D is not something I want to put off or avoid.
even fairly recently we had nicer conversations on the phone. He never really reached out or seemed to waiver on his feelings for me...but there was a kindness there at times, I would feel glimmers of him, the him I knew...but tonight, it was just something else in itself.
when you said you stood and faced the idea of D full on, can you describe how you did that, what it felt like?
Me 30 H 33 together:10 years married:5 years Separated: 1/23/09 living apart 5 mos and counting "when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"-FDR
Believe me this is hard stuff because D w/my kids in the middle honestly is scarier than death to me.
If you read Smileyperson's thread, he talks a lot about this. I had a few things happen. First, H was out of town so I had the physical space. I really think that my conversations on here finally penetrated. I got that D is like death, an unknown, something I am running away from so it owns me and tempers all of my interactions with my kids and just in everyday life. I see women and look to see if they have rings on. Am I a single mom now? Am I a loser? Am I less than I was before? Finally, in being reminded multiple times here that I am best off accepting my worst fear, it kind of clicked and it culminated with me getting some attention IRL and my kids requiring answers from me, answers that I found a way to give them, answers I didn't know I had. And with H gone, I started to feel in my bones...he's gone. I have what I have and I am who I am and now what? And I could see myself with another man in the future and I could see that I was truly unhappy in my M and that H has his own path and his own destiny, so what is mine???
Do we have a choice? Can we evade death? Or do we learn to live with it. Doesn't knowing we are going to die free us to live and let go of things we can't control. D is the same, maybe it will be and we will live and breathe and laugh and love in spite of it.
You do not have to file, you do not have to give up. But, you must know that you are just as alive and present and spending your precious moments whether you D or not...
Am I getting through? Have a good cry. Face it. Let it go. Write in a journal or pieces of paper. Write about all of these feelings you have of betrayal and loss and regret and whatever else comes up. Let it hurt. And then watch, you will still be alive and breathing and able to get up and start a new day tomorrow. You can do this!
By the way, you are so young and though I know it is not what you want right now, you will go on to love again. This is not about you. H has his own journey. You have yours. Maybe if you really GAL and love yourself, he will meet you there...or someone else will.
well, I really fell off track tonight in conversation with H. Really painful to think about.
I am so proud of you for putting a stop to your H. disrespectful tone in such a calm, matter a fact way. I need to get back to that place where I can do that. But your example has encouraged me.
will right more later...on emotional overload right now.
Me 30 H 33 together:10 years married:5 years Separated: 1/23/09 living apart 5 mos and counting "when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"-FDR
I wanted to say that this is the most difficult part of this entire process.....its what I am exactly going thru right now......expecting and planning for the worst and yet if H actually shows up to be kind and compassionate to him while standing up for myself. It seems like this whole cake of contradictions.
So here is what I think I am thinking as I face that I am actually most likely getting a D!
I think this has been the major shift for me this past week and you can see from my blog that it has been a very difficult week. It is bc I am really accepting that this D has already taken place. I feel divorced.
You said that you are tired of feeling disrespected,etc... I can understand that... I feel the exact same way. I am not battling the need to call H anymore....but there is a bigger long term issue that I am preparing for -
I figure the faster and farther I move on from his "erratic actions", he will have 2 ways to deal with this....either make another erratic move (which cannot hurt me any longer) or actually deal with this disaster of a M! I am taking the shock factor out of the equation. Big Deal and really how original and creative! H wants a D!
Its not the worst thing that can ever happen to us. It is the loss of a "dream". Its ok to lose a dream. It creates room for new ones!
I spent a lot of time today just trying to come up with a new dream.....a new lifestyle.......that has nothing to do with H or even a partner. I think, for me, it is important to have a vision of my life that contains and is dependant on no one else but me.
I don't know if that helps really......as I am still in the process and not as good as so many of the other DBers....but, just wanted to share my process.
Keep your head up and keep dreaming. We are young and there is so much life out there to experience!
I can't imagine doing this with kids. There are times when, against my best judgement and reasoning, I wish our little boy had lived because even if this had happend, I would have loved to have him, to love. Still, I know that its for the best that we don't have children at this point and with all that you and others are going through trying to parent within this process...I wish you all the stength in the world.
thank you for writing to me. I do want to move forward. I want to stop feeling like this. Like you said, maybe he will meet me one day, or maybe someone else will. At this point, it is actually getting easier to picture someone other than H, and maybe that's for the best.
I'm embarrassed to admit that I think I get caught up in our whole story, in the idea of it coming full circle, of "this has to be happening for a reason, so we can come out stronger". Like this is some epic thing...ridiculous.
I wish you peace and clairity tonight(saw that your sitch is really wearing on you), and for you and your boys to be well.
Me 30 H 33 together:10 years married:5 years Separated: 1/23/09 living apart 5 mos and counting "when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"-FDR
I'm embarrassed to admit that I think I get caught up in our whole story, in the idea of it coming full circle, of "this has to be happening for a reason, so we can come out stronger". Like this is some epic thing...ridiculous.
Oh ya, I see the movie in my mind...sometimes it does go that way but unless some major work is done, it falls apart. My H left once 6 years ago and he came back after 5 weeks and we were so grateful and really relished in the happy ending and now, here we are because the fundamental issues didn't change.
I hate to say, as blessed as I feel to have my kids, they keep me connected to H and the interactions are so loaded. Setting boundaries impacts my kids...it is really tough.
You have plenty of time. And, you will love again.
I don't remember, did you get counseling to deal with your loss?
Just read about your conversation with H tonight. Do not be hard on yourself! Your H has serious issues which are no reflection on you, he is broken, and the only person who can fix him is himself.
You, on the other hand, are whole! You may be hurting inside, but you have a lot of compassion and love. So please be kind to yourself and take your time deciding what you want to do, and trust yourself when you have reached your decision.
Me 40 WAH 43 T 4 years M 10 months stepson 9 H left 1 month ago
yes, have been in counseling, but for obvious reasons, this loss of marriage seems intertwinned with loss of the baby...
and this fall when H. started melting down and withdrawing I spent a lot of time putting my grief and emotional needs aside because it was like, his world was crashing some how more...i explained this with stuff about how he not only loss of our child but was also facing loss of his family (long story kind of explained in first post) but the thing is, we both were really hurting. One thing I have learned from this, I will never swallow my own sadness and take on someone elses again. it doesn't help, doesn't work, and they some how ending up resenting you for it anyway.
Me 30 H 33 together:10 years married:5 years Separated: 1/23/09 living apart 5 mos and counting "when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"-FDR
