My H gets back on Tuesday, then he has stepson for a week. I will continue going dark for the time being, I guess. I would like to spend some time with my SS, but maybe completely detaching is best for now.
Your question about finding the right balance between showing empathy/giving space and responding to disrespect was intriguing. As a fairly new LBS, I often find myself entrenched in a lot of self-blame. I'm hard on myself, I can be my own worst critic. Perhaps this is common with the LBS, we feel hopeless and sad. We want our WAS to be with us, but they have all the control and they know it. Then it becomes a delicate test of our strength. We are trying to change and become better people, but we have to do that for ourselves. And that's the most challenging goal for me, to learn to love myself better. I want my H back, but I will not compromise or sacrifice my dignity and self-worth for him.
So what is the right balance? You, a human-being worthy of dignity and love, knows what it feels like when someone is hurting you with disrespect Calmly and gently tell him, with an "I" statement how you want and need to be treated. I've learned from reading DR that solutions are more effective than focusing on the problem. Of course, this is a lot easier said than done.
A couple of weeks ago when H stopped by to get some stuff, he said "I thought you were going to be gone this weekend, you told me you wouldn't be here." I calmly just looked at him and said "this is my home, and I always want to be treated with respect, especially in my own home." I caught him off guard, he immediately apologized.
It's hard because we don't want to get in uncomfortable conversations with our WAS. But I think "taking the high ground" ultimately means never allowing your self-worth to become compromised. And I think you've done an incredible job with the way you've conducted yourself with your H.
Hope my thoughts helped a little!
Me 40 WAH 43 T 4 years M 10 months stepson 9 H left 1 month ago No D filed
