And if the wayward spouse lies to them? Says "we just don't love each other anymore," or something similar?
Again, it's a tough call. The question I guess I would ask is do you simply tell them that mom cheated or do you own up to your contributions to the deterioration of the marriage? Does either one of these things benefit the child?
Well, I disagree. I told my adult daughters the truth, and eventually my S-then-14 the truth as well, in an age-appropriate manner ("Mommy has a boyfriend, and married people shouldn't have boyfriends or girlfriends. I'm upset about that, and she won't stop, and that's why we've been fighting.")
It's ironic you bring up kids overhearing, because that's actually one of the reasons I'm so pro-exposure. People talk, and I was horrified my kids would eventually hear something at school or from a friend (my wife was hooking up in parking lots with her OM). I preferred that they hear it from me, in love.
As I said Puppy, it depends on the circumstance. In general I do not recommend it. If your kids are adult they may be more prepared to have that conversation.
Fear of what your kids could find out, well thats just it, it's fear. If they found out elsewhere I would hope they would come and ask you then and you can have an adult conversation about it. I also would add that if they find out elsewhere then your spouse cant just tell them mom and dad dont love each other anymore so it kind of eliminates that excuse.
What I will say is that it is not a recommended move as far as I am concerned or as far as Db is concerned either.
Puppy, I get why you exposed, your sitch. I do not however agree that it is okay to be pro-exposure with others on this site in general and using religious scripture to support it seems odd to me.
never underestimate the kids' ability to figure things out on their own, and then appreciating that their other parent did not inform them of the problem. My cousin just found out (3-4 years ago) her dad had an A and that is why they divorced. She said "My mom (meaning my aunt) never once critisized my dad for their divorce and I will always be thankful that she's a saint b/c she let me love him without feeling disloyal to her..." That's important to note.
My dad was a highly function alcoholic and every time he'd go on a binge, the next morning my mom would talk about how drunk our dad had been as if we didn't know. We did not need HER to tell us, of all people. We needed her to try and defend or explain it all to comfort us, so that he didn't look like such a loser to us or that he was choosing booze over us, etc. She told us about it all, and I always wondered what the goal was in her telling us the obvious. Guess her anger was the reason b/c it's not like we didn't get it.
There is a high risk for the LBSer of having the wrong motivation for telling AND OR looking like you do, b/c it looks punitive even if that is not the goal of the LBSer telling the kids. Plus I have seen some M's survive A's and NONE of them had told their kids. Wow, I just realized that.
That bears repeating. None of the M's I know that survived A's, informed the kids of the A. I think part of the WASs coming back was due to discovering on their own, that the OP was a jerk of some sort. The "high" wore off. AND that the LBSer was gracious, forgiving and made it easy to see that THEY (ie the lbser) were the winners and not the OPs....
Like I said, it depends on whether saving the M is the goal.
j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Like I said, it depends on whether saving the M is the goal.
No, it doesn't. That discounts the thousands of marriages that have been saved by this technique. I understand it's in the minority, but it's probably a 40/60 minority, and best-selling books and counseling practices have been built around it.
It doesn't depend on whether saving the marriage is the goal. It depends on whether or not you believe that exposing an affair will hasten its demise, or whether you feel it will do more harm than good. It's a valid technique, whether you agree with it or not.
