WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 10

[confusedinpa]

Stuck and Volleydog,

Thanks for the encouragement and validation with my interaction with my wife. I think the hardest part of the interaction was when I dropped her off at her apt. She had gotten out of the car without looking at me nor saying goodbye to me directly. She got out of the car and then open the backdoor to give the boys each a kiss goodbye and then said "Thanks boys for taking me to the doctor's"

I had made notice how she didn't say bye to me directly nor thanked me, but I shrugged it off as I didn't want to let that ruin the day I had planned with the boys on Sat.

I was doing fine all day today, but now that I put my boys to bed, I'm getting that aching feeling in my gut again (I've had it since the bomb in Jan). I think part of it is that before I put my boys to bed, my 3 year old had found a bunch of books and asked if we can read them together tomorrow. I said yes at first, but then said "Opps". He asked why I said "Opps" and my 7 year old jumped right in and said "We're not going to be home tomorrow". I noticed a hint of sadness in his voice, but by 3 year old didn't say anything.

The other part is that the last time my wife had this problem, I remember how she was hurting so bad with her urinary tract infection and kidney stone was right after my second son was born. I had just started a new job where I was driving almost 2 hours each way, so I was hardly home to help with the boys, let alone her. I would leave just before 4AM and wouldn't get home till almost 8:00 PM. After she had dropped the bomb, she told me that the 6 months I was working that job, she felt like a single mom as she felt so alone.

Her mom was over every day to help her. I think that was really the start of the death spiral to our marriage.

I know after that job, I wound up working about 15 minutes from where I lived, but then I traveled frequently and worked very long hours when I was home.

I know I can't fix the past, nor should I live in the past nor beat myself up for the past, but it's really hitting me tonite.

It keeps crossing my mind as I'm thinking about Coach's challenge/post on fairness.

"How do you decide if you are treated fairly? Do you treat everyone fairly? Who judges you? Define fair. Do you think the world treats you fairly?"

Even though I'm still struggling on how to define fair (surprising, even an internet search didn't help), I know I can't say that I treat everyone fairly. I know my wife feels I haven't treated her fairly in our marriage.

After a great time with my boys the past 5 days, the hurt is really coming back strong tonite.....