In Utter Agony...Long 1st Post

[25yearsmlc]

well that depends Puppy.

If the M was ending b/c of the A, and there are children, someone has to do some splainin'. Preferably the WAS. If not, then the LBSer may be forced to explain that OP is involved and that the WAS chose them...depends also on the age of those kids.

IF, however, the LBSer wants to save the M, I cannot see any good coming of revealing such a private, personal matter to anyone. Surely Not exposed by the LBSer. I really truly cannot see the value of it. I think it's punitive, at least in effect if not in intent, and serves no good purpose in the long run,, even if it "Succeeds" in getting the WAS to shamefully crawl back into the home. I don't see it as a lasting or effective "tool" and it is also very dangerous. High risk of judgmentalism backfiring, and the more people that know, the deeper the shame and the more internal damage done to the WAS who will eventually externalize that pain, or leave again, or do self harm or be passive aggressive or something UNhealthy. IMO.

I recall some of your sitch and I know this may be hitting a chord and I did not intend to do so. But yes this is my present take on this. Always subject to growth or change and I don't pretend to have all the answers by any means. But lately I've done a lot of soul searching and read that book and for me, It resonated. It articulated what I've felt vaguely for awhile now.
There are some who misuse religion or God as a weapon, and that makes me sad.
As I said though, I don't have all the answers. Would not want to be in those shoes. But I have been a sibling or friend to numerous "A"s and divorces, (not all end in Div) and have seen the different results and for sure the fewer people who knew, the easier it was to "keep the road home paved and smooth" so the WAS could get back and stay, and not feel the sword of Damacles was forever over their head.

I cannot quote scripture very well, but I recall Corinthians, "love does not keep a record of wrongs" was in my vows too. Isn't "exposure" a form of doing that, only in public? Just food for thought.

(( j ))