So glad that you checked in b/c it lets us know you are doing as best you can. Some days.....that is a lot isn't it? We are still here and nobody is in a rush. You take your time and when you feel like talking.....we'll be here.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Dear Sandi (et al) Ok, I have now cleared some mind space to sit down and write about the last few days which have been very very difficult for me personally but, I suspect, beneficial in terms of moving things along my end.
I finally addressed the issue of our D's distress and emailed my H re possibly making a time for her to see a specialist counselor. I also told him about the piece of writing that she had done in her English journal and subsequently gave him a copy for his records. We met last Friday and had a chat for about an hour in the local hotel; it was calm and non-confrontational. We mainly spoke about our daughter and what needs to be done. My H also said a few things about our M: *He left because he believed that it was "toxic" and that it was in everyone's best interests that he pulled the plug (interesting that he felt so confident that he knew what was best for us ALL) *He has a huge amount of resentment and anger towards me still but he really wants to get over it and through it to the next phase of all of our lives.
Last Tuesday was a lot more of an angry discourse. this was the first eve that we addressed our D's distress in this splitting of the marriage and he wanted to leave the house to go back to work at OW's house in prep for a conference meeting that he was chairing the following day. I accepted it on one level but spoke out that it would be great if he would perhaps take 20 mins just to have a prelim chat about things; considering she is our D. He became angry accusing me of blackmailing him into staying. Then he proceeded to embark on a twenty minute tirade about a man who is a good friend of mine, I met him 5-6 years ago in London. we became emotionally close but nothing sexual ever happened. I met him at a time where I was feeling low and particularly unloved i my marriage. But I was always and have always been faithful to my husband. I told my H about this man and at the time he was very calm and told me that he loved me and wanted the marriage but that I would need to make a choice. In my mind there was no choice, I wanted my husband. It is only now that the true anger and hurt is coming out. My H ranted about this particular man, accusing me of not only being in love with him but that i did indeed have sex with him (a total lie.)He also brought up small incidences and comments that were made over 4 years ago, with teh clarity as if it were yesterday. He then proceeded to question whether this man really ever existed (another move at painting em out to be delusional).
We had a long chat yesterday, around 2 hours. He is brutal about the R, saying that in terms of us we are DONE, that the marriage is dead and has been for a while, that it is TOO LATE and that he doesn't love me anymore. He also proceeded to tell me that I have the POTENTIAL of being a wonderful person but that I am completely narcissistic, self-centred and highly manipulative towards my family and friends. I have NEVER been in the position where I have felt so invalidated, especially by someone who i have loved and who I married. He also said that he never really wanted to get married. I said to him that in my opinion marriage is a COMMITMENT, for better or for worse, at which point he then scoffed. "Standing for your marriage? are you trying to tell me that you will not be having another relationship in your life?" i told him that I felt this was a private matter and that it was not his business at the present time. I said that I believed that God will reveal the truth. He laughed at me; "the only people that feel that way about marriage are heavily committed Catholics who are theologians. Well, if you want to do that fine, its completely your life but i will not be a part of it'
Rejection, rejection etc
He also said that I have profoundly wounded him. He says that he is going through the biggest crisis of his life. he doesn't know what is going to happen with OW (mmmmm dont trust him here.....)
He seems so clear.....about me. Does not want to be a part of this any more.
Is it MLC? I still think so but.....
I have prayed to God for his guidance. I was in our local pub when I looked up at a football team photo and underneath were the words "with bravery and faith anything is possible"
Is this a sign for me to keep faith?
Sometimes I am just unclear about which way to go. My pain has been great these last few days; feeling the loss of my M, my H, feeling the pain of the OW and his obvious connection to her.Feeling his complete rejection of our marriage.
Not sure whether I am moving forwards, backwards or staying still?
Mmmmmm, I have just been rereading my posting......
I have felt over the last few days like a rollercoaster; I am detaching, no I am not, yes I am etc.
After reading the above, not sure whether I am detaching.
I am keeping busy, working, socialising and resting. But I guess I miss my old H, not eh new one that he has become. I want to be strong, I dont want to be feeling as if I need him to make me complete and happy.
And he seems so disinterested. Does dropping the rope/detaching mean that you close the door? I x
I, Well, your h hit the description right on the nail head! Yes, he's have a huge crisis right now.
Everything you posted is very, very typical of someone in crisis. I'm not surprised that he's brought up things from the past and yes, he's trying to compare and justify what he's doing w/what he thinks took place years ago. You know better, so just let those comments roll off your back.
He's got a lot of issues to deal with and you will need to choose your battles when dealing with him. Your daughter is your number one priority and he needs to hear what you have to say about taking care of her.
Trust me, what he is saying about how he feels....he really does feel that way right now. His perception of life is so very dark and grey. Months from now, even years from now, he may tell you it wasn't the way he remembered or what he said to you. They always lash out at the ones they love.
I, you are moving forward, but you will take some steps back along the way. Do not feel that you are stuck for you are not. You are right where you should be at this moment.
Hugs to you and your family.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I, Your emotions are on a rollercoaster and they will be that way for a while. Detaching means not reacting to his behavior, comments, antics. You can detach and still leave the door ajar.
In your case, just as others w/children, you will have to have some contact with the nut. Detaching may be a bit more difficult for you because of that.
Don't beat yourself up...you are doing well for what you are having to listen to.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I I totally agree with snodderly from my experience with XH and waht ive read here on boards, your H has the script down they do believe the M is really over I also think they believe there pain will be over once they leave they are under the illusion that happiness can be achieved by changing wives, jobs, homes friends ect happiness is an inside job they think we are the cause of their distress and ofcourse the OW will bring them the happiness they desire obviously htere is a problem with this kind of thinking and actions but they cant see that now and wont see for some time to come until the newness of the R wears off and reality and pain set in now they are numb peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
My H seems to be so calm, rational and resolved about our M most of the time. Does this mean he is still in crisis (by his own admission). I guess I have always felt that you wouldnt be so "together" if you were in crisis. Ne says he has no idea what is ging to happen in his professional life (he may be out of a job from January) and his personal life (mmmmm) but he is clear about us.
Sad, you are right Snodderly, they push away the people that love them the most. I have been in relationship with him for 10 years unlike OW's 5 1/2 months.
Sometimes the fog seems so entrenched. How have others kept the faith?
I believe the reason they seem "calm" about the M is they have rewritten history and are comfortable in beleiving the new story they created somehow the delusional state seems to work for them, so in the beginning they seem peacefully numb at times Later after a few years of replay they seem a mess the new R is not as perfect as they once thought
the faith is what keeps us going to know God is in control we the LBS will be ok as you have read most of the LBS post after years of this they are doing well the pain eases we focus on our lives and parent our kids well peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
