GETTING UN'STUCK'

[25yearsmlc]

stuck

I FOUND YOUR THREAD!! Per your request, I am reading through them ALL...and it's taking some time so I'll just be brief with a few impressions.

We all get that you don't call the spouse MOM or DAD unless you are talking to the kids.

2nd I disagree with FF(??) saying "the 180s get tiring" b/c my definition of 180s empower and energize me. Don't do the 180s solely as a tactic to get your w back or it will lead to resentment on your end and it isn't real anyhow. It's mainipulative.

Nope to the ultimatums now. That's insane anyhow. You are not in a position to issue any to her b/c she has a foot out the door. Am I missing something? You want to save the M right? Now, IF and I repeat, IF you are ready to cut the cord b/c you are at the end of your rope, fine. Set an ultimatum and then back it up with a div b/c you are not likely to get the response you want. YOU MIGHT...like the Hail Mary in the Boston College game, it could happen. But be ready for it not to.

The real question is what does she want? Also, I agree that NOT all "A"s are the same and they CAN and usually DO end on their own. And frankly, if she felt neglected as a woman and had an "EA" with her boss that did NOT lead to sex, it IS different. To almost the whole world. Come on, even YOU know it would hurt a hell of a lot worse if she had slept with him. I know it does not make the EA right, but it is easy to see why she distinguishes it AND besides, in her mind, the evil A's mean that parents leave their kids and spouse NEVER to return. So that is HER frame of reference....

For now, be kind, GAL, be a man only a fool would leave and I'll read some more later and post more later.

I'm big big big on NOT shaming the WAS into returning home. Here's what I wrote elsewhere on this topic--(and if you are religious at all, try reading "Blue Like Jazz" b/c he explores how we misuse religion in these situations. WE all know someone who quotes scripture to us, NOT to welcome us into their church or show us God's love, but to make themselves "win" an argument or "be right"...anyhow...for now, here it is...)


SHAME and why it sucks for all concernedl

Most LBSers at some point try to guilt or shame the WAS into coming home. We say "How could you?" and "This is immoral, wrong, selfish, a SIN, against God's will, etc." (I know I did.)
I have given a lot of thought to this. Here's my opinion and it is based on personal experience)

Shaming a WAS into "trying again" ALWAYS FAILS IN THE LONG RUN, EVEN IF THE WAS COMES HOME[/b]... yes I mean that literally. No couples reconcile for good, and I mean RECONCILE, (I don't mean move back in the home b/c true restoration of the M and reconciliation mean a lot more than just living under the same roof... You will find people here who urge you to condemn, EXPOSE the SINNER, and then they use GOD as a weapon for that. I say Shame on THEM.
How on earth will your WAS ever come home (in the true meaning of the word) to a man/woman with their arms crossed in judgment who says, Yeah I "FORGIVE" you BUT...."

Again I speak from experience on this, okay? Been there, done that. I Felt "right" to be the way I felt, [b]but not happily married.

Instead we LBSers need to welcome the WAS home with a model of forgiveness that says "Yes we can start fresh and no I won't throw this in your face ever and now, moving on....OH--and btw, I was at fault PLENTY too, and am working on MY stuff too and thank YOU for forgiving ME" [i]and mean it.


MY MAIN POINT IS THIS--
IMO, No WAS who feels shamed into coming home, will again feel loving, or warm or affectionate or attracted towards the source of the shame. And that source of the shame won't be the WAS' past action or OP. At some point, the source of the shame IS the LBSer. I see this particularly for the LBSer who guilts the WAS into returning by misusing God or religion, or family/societal approval to get the WAS back.
They "expose" the sinner to shame and while they claim to forgive, it is NOT the real kind of forgiveness modelled by Christ (and those of other religions who really forgive). It is the kind of fake forgiveness wherein the LBSer acts as if they are the sole victims of a problematic M, and wear their "forgiveness" as a badge of sainthood, and are smug about it often, so you cannot ever disagree with them due to their moral superiority and they feel OWED by the WAS and blah blah blah and might throw it in their face or LOOK LIKE THEY ARE ABOUT TO every time a conflict arises....so many LBSers do this and wonder why the WAS finds someone else, or simply leaves again, for good. [/b][/color]

To me, that is the shame of this all. And if this does not apply to you or only in part, fine. Just wanted to post it.


J-