Well, I didn't apologize to him. I actually called him the next morning and just said thanks for picking me up, and I asked him if I did or said anything weird. He said no. so, it waorked out fine. He didn't seem effected at all.
No, there hasn't been that time except for last weekend when i had the kids. As it is right now H has the kids Tues.and Thurs. after school. Then we are switching off every other weekend. This weekend he has them. Yesterday when he came to pick them up he comes in, talks to me for awhile (I was getting ready to go out with my girlfriend for the night) and lays down on the couch and takes a nap!!! My friend was here getting ready too and we were excited, trying on outfits, getting all fancy and having fun. H stayed until after we left. We went out and had a GREAT time. My friend is so much fun we laughed until we peed!!! (not literally!) We met some of her friends and went bar hoppin'! I didn't drink too much this time, lol! We ended up staying the night at her friends house because we were about an hour and a half away. We got up this morning and went to breakfast and drove home. On the way hom H called to "see if I was ok". He asked all about our night, whether we had a "mellow night or a crazy night". I said it was pretty crazy! He then invited us to go to breakfast with him and the kids. I said no thanks, we already ate. And then I said "well, have a good day. I will talk to ya later!" I can't believe he asked me to come to breakfast...and that I turned him down. Probably a good move, but it is scary to turn him down when it is the first time he invited me somewhere. I feel like he is going to be mad. I know that is silly...I KNOW!!!!! Anyway, I am not contacting again until tomorrow when I will be getting the kids. I am going out with some friends tonight...to listen to some live music. Should be fun.
My game plan is to just DB for now. I think I have been doing a pretty good job, despite a couple minor setbacks. I will never be able to go dark completely and so when I do talk to him and see him my plan is to always look great and be upbeat. I really don't know what else to do. When the time is right we are going to have to make some decisions financially, and re: my place of residence. And I think that is when my boundaries have to set in. When I get a new place H will not have access to coming over whenever and napping at my house.
I have genuinely felt lately that I have let him go. I still get sad and VERY nostalgic. I still worry, get anxious about it all, and wonder if I am doing the right things. And I obviously have ML to him twice. I just realize that I am happy when I take the high road...when I get along with H and I feel as though we are truly re-establishing our friendship because I have knocked down my defenses. I have let alot of things go and I have opened up to him so that he knows I love him unconditionally without me having to say it. I feel in my sitch, it is essential that we get along without fighting...so that he continues to come to ME when he needs something. I am keeping my eye on the prize. I do NOT want to mess this up, and if setting boundaries helps my sitch, so I will do it!!!
I am going to re-read DR for the zillionth time and hopefully figure out a more detailed plan. I wish the book had more ideas on how to balance the techniques and make sure that you are not getting taken advantage of in the meantime...
Wish my H. was responding to the DBing the way yours it but it's really encouraging to hear that its working for you.
Glad you are having good GAL time with your girls!
take care, keep us posted.
Me 30 H 33 together:10 years married:5 years Separated: 1/23/09 living apart 5 mos and counting "when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"-FDR
well, thanks travel...but I had a setback today again...the rollercoaster continues. I think i jumped the gun which is unfortunate for such a good weekend of GAL. H brought the girls home and we ML again. It made me very emotional...and I started crying. H was emotional too it seemed, but he only asked if I was ok...I didn't initiate any convo at that time. Later he texted to say sorry that he upset me. I told him that it was my fault too and that I couldn't ML to him anymore and asked him not to try. He said OK. Then I asked him simply if he was happy. I don't know why I did this, I have been doing so well at not initiating any R talk. He relpied "I don't know" and that was it. And I just replied with "I understand." I don't know if I should have told him we couldn't ML anymore...it is just that I find it impossible to resist and I don't want to let him cake eat. I feel like I really messed up. This is so confusing. He was really starting to come around. Calling me more, inviting me places, lingering around the house, and offering to do things for me. Maybe this is good to have set up this boundary...I hope. I just wish i could have done it in a less of a backslid-ish sorta way!!! UGH!
Nicole, your success is not in him coming around, he could do that until kingdom come and you could still not have a real marriage. Your success is in your awareness and mindset and ability to take responsibility for yourself.
Trust me, there is no "right way" with an immature and confused man like yours. You can lead though. If the ML makes you clingy and emotional than doesn't it make sense to stop? FYI- I told H no more and before long he was going for it again. It is something you will have to DO not necessarily talk about. Trust me, sticking to that will most likely be on you.
How do you get your focus back on you?
You are figuring this out...and doing really well.
Yeah..it is helpful to remember to focus on myself. And I know I need to do it more. That is why I told him no more ML...because I hadn't cried for about 4-5 days until today. I felt like I was making progress. Now I am having one of those days where I just wanna go and say let's just change everything back, forget this emotional B.S. I know you love me and I love you and let's make it WORK! So I wanna live in La La Land today and pretend that this is all not happening to us!!! Impossible!
Yeah...another thing I just wanna say so badly to H is that I wish he would just spill his guts out to me. TELL me what you are thinking and contemplating. Tell me you are confused. I wish he would just lay it all out on the table once and for all!!!!!
I just had to call H to tell him about D6's Kindergarten graduation program for tomorrow...My phone was breaking up and H was annoyed. He was being totally rude to me. UGH! JERK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
