W called twice today. answered the first time around 2. she said she wasn't coming today which i had already told mysef that i'm 100% sure she wouldn't anyway so when she told me, i was prepared. I said ok really chipper like and she said she wanted to come over Tues. I said sure and said i had to get back to what i was doing.
she tried calling again 2.5 hours later and didn't answer. waited 8 mins, i had been either doing right away or not all before, and texted "hey." SHE ASKED ME if she could call! lol i txtd back yeah. she called and asked if there was anything else i wanted her to bring on tues when she comes i said nope i got everything I need here.
she asked what i was doing today and i said i'm going out to dinner later. she said that's cool, and then asked why i sound like i was in such a good mood lately and i said i've just been happy the last couple days. she said that's good, in an annoyed voice and said to have fun on my dinner date. i told her i NEVER said it was a date. she mumbled something and i said i'm gonna let her go. i said goodbye and hung up. i don't think she even said anything before or after i was gonna let her go just hung up.
PDT and anyone else, where did i go wrong besides actually taking the time to answer? I can handle making myself happy and being in a good mood without her. i still have anxiety when i talk to her because i'm worried i'm not doing something right. my mind is in a haze when i'm talking to her. we only talked for 2 mins the 2nd time as i'm trying to limit all contact with her and when i do talk to her I want it on my terms..
me = happy. me talking to her = "nervous". how do i remedy this? back to the darkness
PDT and anyone else, where did i go wrong besides actually taking the time to answer? . . .
me = happy. me talking to her = "nervous". how do i remedy this?
You remedy it by limiting your talking with her.
Where you went wrong:
1. Answering the first time she called.
2. Being there when she called (shows that you were sitting around waiting for her to come by).
3. Waiting only 8 minutes to call her back (I'd suggest at least two hours).
4. Immediately saying OK to Tuesday. (indicates again that you're not busy, and are available to her anytime)
Now, what you did GOOD was being upbeat (not easy, I know!) and telling her you had what you needed, and telling her you were going out to dinner later. Very good.
To summarize: BE BUSY. BE UPBEAT. BY MYSTERIOUS. DON'T BE SO AVAILABLE.
Hope that helps,
Puppy
P.S. I suggest that, tomorrow, you text her and tell her "something's come up" and that "tomorrow isn't good for me anymore. How about Thursday, at about (fill in a time)?"
Thank you PDT! k i'm seriously thinking about doing the "somethings come up" line now after last nite and this morning...
so last nite i went out to eat and went to a movie "the hangover" by myself last nite. when i got out of the theater, a very close mutual friend of mine and the W's texts me saying my W had just called her. My W was CONVINCED i was out on a date last nite lol! She told our friend that it really bothered her but that i should be going out and having fun. but she said it's wrong of me to go galavantering (sp?) around town with some woman when she's gone. lol.
our close friend never told her i wasn't out on a date, she knew as i had invited her and her H to go eat with me. AND she never denied it either. perfect...
so then at exactly 8am this morning i get a text from W saying "Hi." oh i woke up in a great mood. too bad it's pouring rain here right now tho, otherwise i'd be outside doing some garden work.
Not going to reply back to her single text. Gonna see what happens later today.
PDT and anyone else, where did i go wrong besides actually taking the time to answer? I can handle making myself happy and being in a good mood without her. i still have anxiety when i talk to her because i'm worried i'm not doing something right. my mind is in a haze when i'm talking to her. we only talked for 2 mins the 2nd time as i'm trying to limit all contact with her and when i do talk to her I want it on my terms..
me = happy. me talking to her = "nervous". how do i remedy this? back to the darkness
Where did you go wrong? You went wrong in leaping to it being your fault that she's upset. Did you do anything wrong by sounding happy and saying you were going out? No. So why is it your problem if she jumps to the wrong conclusions or gets upset that you are happy? Are you going to try to be miserable so she feels better? Hopefully not...so let her own her own emotions and you just own your own.
Try this: If she "seems" upset...ask yourself, "Is it my problem?" If not, then forget it.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Haven't updated in awhile so i thought i would recap what's been happening.
after completeing going dark for a few days, W kept calling and texting me 3 or 4 times a day. I would answer or respond half the time, as i really was busy. Monday nite/tues morning she texted she's glad i'm happy while she's there being miserable, and i responded i'm not happy because she's not here. reiterated that i'm really taking advantage of the time i have now she said she had wasted two years of her life, and i responded "i didn't waste anything =)". she texted back she didn't either and that she didn't mean it. she called then i we spoke for a few minutes. told i still cared and she said she really cared still. she misses us being together and doing the things we used to do. i said i do too, but i'm using this time to work on me and that she should too. we said goodbye, and then she texted she was sorry, she was drunk and emotional. i told her she has nothing to be sorry for.
the next day she called in the afternoon letting me know she was on her way here. in a matter of minutes our area went into a tornado warning and i had to take shelter. i called her back and told her not to come as the storm was bad. she understood. i texted 30 mins later and said i could see the tornado east of the house and that it was hailing really bad. she called back immediately and i was a bit emotional and had a minor break down on her. we only talked for 5 minutes and she vented some of her frustrations about the past R we had. i listened. i let her go after that.
she called the next morning, wednesday, and we only talked for a few minutes, i said i would txt her back later as i was in the middle of something. she called a few hours later and in 10 minutes of talking, she admitted how much she missed me again, and that she still cares and i'm still her best friend. THEN...
Then she said she loves me with all of her heart. she hadn't said that phrase in months, it was always "love you too." i calmly replied i love you too. we talked and she brought up how she wasn't ready to come home, blah blah blah. i validated her feelings saying i wasn't ready either as i'm still working on myself and learning to live a happy life. we parted ways on the phone.
THEN a few hours later she called. i answered as we had just had a good talk. she asked if she can bring two of our dogs back. and not just any two, one was the chihuahua, her BABY. she would shun the other dogs just to give that one attention. she said where she's staying they only allow two dogs and wanted to know if i would keep the other two. i said absolutely and that i missed them. she says i am the only one she trusts with them, and i told her she knows they would be cared for and loved here. she then asked if she could stop anytime to see them. i said yes, they're still her dogs too.
at about 3:45 today, thursday she called and texted me. i didn't respond as i was getting a massage because i needed to relieve some stress. when i got out i called her back. we chit chatted like we were close friends. she told me about work, her new apartment she's getting, and how the dogs were doing. i was genuinely excited for her. something was going on in the background and i told her i needed to get on the ball because i had to work tonight. she sounded disappointed but said she would call me later.
so much has changed in a few days. also today, i spoke with my DB coach Jody. she's always been amazing for me and helped me understand that i'm past phase 1 of a WAW, "letting the dust settle." i'm starting phase 2, "friendship" and she gave me some great advice on how to continue. i'm motivated again and while i realize she won't be home anytime soon, i'm well on my way of getting her back here. in the mean time, i'm continuing to focus on me and my short comings.
PDT, go easy lol. i know you're anti friend business, but i think i'm starting down the right path. it's alot easier to be her friend then being scared to talked to her and left in the dark. i still have not went one day since last wednesday of initiating contact. i have responded tho like a friend would. i also set boundaries on my time and don't hang on the phone with her. i always am the one saying, alright i gotta get back to what i was doing.
oh and one more thing, she called yesterday and asked for our landlords contact info. apparantly she wants him to lie and say she was a model tenant and the dogs never have accidents on the floor. lol! he called me and asked me what i wanted him to do. i told him to help her out. i don't want to be the one standing in her way. a friend wouldn't do that. he said he was going to mention to her that he wasn't going to lie, but asked me what to do and then tell her i was the one who said to help her out. i wonder what her response is going to be. i said if he does that to not let her believe i knew he was going to do that. he is totally on my side and has even commented on how much i've changed in a short period of time. oh well, here goes nothing again....
Why do you think she responded to you the way she did?
Do you think it was because you were friendly?
Puppy
that's tough to answer. part of it is i think SHE is still very codependent on me, but is trying in her own, maybe misguided, way. also, i know she loves me, but i'm starting to act the way i did when we first got together. it's hard to remember that person sometimes after everything that's happened. BUT i'm also taking this time for me. she realizes that and is curious. also, besides my one minor slip up tuesday nite during the storm, i've avoided all R talk and when it came up, tried to validate how she felt but then gave my own brief synopsis of what i should have been doing during those situations.
i haven't told her i've been researching codependency or DB'ing again obviously, but giving her feedback and acknowledging i was wrong in what i did at the time seems to be working...
one thing my DB coach pointed out, and she knows as we've spoken in the past 15 months, is that our relationship was always romantic. we never really experienced just the friendship part of the R. she says that's what i need to focus on right now and that's kinda what i had been doing. she realigned my time frame for me, however, which is making me realize this is likely to take longer then hoped (not longer then expected tho really).
in the end, i guess she responded because i was no longer pursuing her. her codependent nature and my sudden lack of one probably brought it on. i guess i just have to use it to my advantage.
in the end, i guess she responded because i was no longer pursuing her. her codependent nature and my sudden lack of one probably brought it on. i guess i just have to use it to my advantage.
BINGO. I would suggest that you stick with that approach, and not go running all "melty man" to her at the first sign of her responding to it.
