I hate my H

[Done in VA]

Have you really detatched...truly?

In your head AND your heart?

I guess I don't know what it means to truly detach. I still get disappointed when I don't see any progress. But I'm just kind of telling myself - who cares? why would I expect anything else? I have stopped living in fear. I haven't been worrying about things as much. Haven't been thinking about what if he files for divorce? I mean I do think about it some & then say - there's nothing I can do if he does & that is the end of the thought.

Scenario of weekend so far. MIL offers to have the kids sleep over on Friday - of course they were ecstatic. I call H on his way home from work to let him know. Told him I would be out for the evening. Went & got my nails done, my plans fell through so I came home by 6:30pm - he must have called someone on his way home & went straight out w/them bc he hadn't been to the house. My neighbor came over, sat on the deck & drank a few beers. Woke up at 1:30am when the dog barked bc H arrived home. Never told me where he went - never asked. Got up at 7:30 am came downstairs & watched tv together for 3 hrs, drinking coffee. There was some forced, awkward small talk.

Picked up the kids & all went to S7's baseball team cookout. Had a great time talking to all the other parents. Didn't hang out w/H. Went home, H did stuff around the house, I cleaned. Put the kids to bed & went to neighbor's graduation party (alone). Got a call from a friend, went up to local bar to meet for 2 drinks. Ran by the gas station on the way home & got hit on by a pretty darn attractive guy ten years younger than me. Was a nice ego boost. Made me think it would be easier to start over (but just for a second!)

Got up went to church (alone). Came home, took kids to the pool, purposely stayed until H would have left to go to his baseball game. Getting ready to go to our church potluck w/kids.

I just feel like our R has dwindled to nothing. There isn't even anything to talk about anymore. H seems to continue to pull away emotionally. I guess I don't worry about it & continue on being the best me I can & living my life & being a great mom. Coaching call w/Laurie tomorrow morning.