In Utter Agony...Long 1st Post

[25yearsmlc]

So Et Op, how are things going for you now?
I know you said that the MC was not helping, and maybe you should stop going. NO, do not stop yet. You have a timeline that is VERY unrealistic. Seriously.
Maybe the c is not a good one, I don't know. But I do know a few weeks, OR LESS, is an unrealistic timeline to use. You seem so panicky that you're being unrealistic and hyper about changes in the M and temperature taking of the R, etc. STOP IT. Take a breath.


You have so much more control in this sitch than you realize. Yes you do. You can learn to control your outbursts, your obsessing, your 'blurting out' very harmful things and your fear based decision making and second guessing. You already know it's unattractive and painful for you, so why continue it?
M's are made up of 2 people (and God, but that is for another day...) so if one of those people change then by definition the M does as well.

I'm still not clear about the whole "A" with the t thing either. Was it proved or admitted or what?

BUT Lastly, I want to address something I think I saw on this thread. Might have been elsewhere but it's important enough I THINK, to post here and maybe elsewhere too...

It's the weapon of SHAME. Most LBSers at some point try to guilt or shame the WAS into coming home. We say "How could you?" and "This is immoral, wrong, selfish, a SIN, against God's will, etc." (I know I did.)
I have given a lot of thought to this. Here's my opinion and it is based on personal experience)

SHAME and why it sucks for all[/u][/color]
Shaming a WAS into "trying again" ALWAYS FAILS IN THE LONG RUN, EVEN IF THE WAS COMES HOME[/b]... yes I mean that literally. No couples reconcile for good, and by reconcile, I mean RECONCILE, (I don't mean move back in the home b/c true restoration of the M and reconciliation mean a lot more than living under the same roof... You will find people here who urge you to condemn, EXPOSE the SINNER, and then they use GOD as a weapon for that. I say Shame on THEM.
How on earth will your h ever come home (in the true meaning of the word) to a woman with her arms crossed in judgment who says "You left ME? I should have left YOU years ago" which YOU did say in an earlier post..[/u]. Or, "Yeah I "FORGIVE" you BUT...."

Again I speak from experience on this, okay? Been there, done that. I Felt "right" to be the way I was, but not happily married. Instead we need to welcome the WAS home with a model of forgiveness that says "Yes we can start fresh and no I won't throw this in your face ever and now, moving on....and btw, I was at fault PLENTY and am working on MY stuff too and thank YOU for forgiving ME" and mean it.
IMO, No WAS who feels shamed into coming home, will again feel loving, or warm or affectionate or attracted towards the source of the shame. And that source of the shame won't be the WAS' past action or OP. At some point, the source of the shame IS the LBSer. I see this particularly for the LBSer who guilts the WAS into returning by misusing God or religion, or family/societal approval to get the WAS back.
They "expose" the sinner to shame and while they claim to forgive, it is NOT the real kind of forgiveness modelled by Christ (and those of other religions who really forgive). It is the kind of fake forgiveness wherein the LBSer acts as if they are the sole victims of a problematic M, and wear their "forgiveness" as a badge of sainthood, and are smug about it often, so you cannot ever disagree with them due to their moral superiority and they feel OWED by the WAS and blah blah blah and might throw it in their face or LOOK LIKE THEY ARE ABOUT TO every time a conflict arises, and there are elements of punishment that are often present and should be red flags to those claiming to forgive....so many LBSers do this and then wonder why the WAS finds someone else, or simply leaves again, for good. [/color]

To me, that is the shame of this all. And if this does not apply to you or only in part, fine, good. Just wanted to post it.

But obviously some of this counts more or less depending on what you actually know about an A if there was one and if so with whom. I'm not into snooping at all UNLESS you really are sure that you would definitely div and not forgive if there was an A. If you know this, then go ahead and find out what's going on so you can get it all over with. Otherwise you are spinning your wheels A LOT, and that cannot be good for anyone. Or have you rethought that position?

(( j ))