Yes it is very difficult in knowing how to deal with men when trying to think like them.....(b/c we can't)......and to protect their ego and yet continue to keep our self respect. When you are separated and have joint financial responsibilities, that is tough. If he depended on you to always be the one to step up to take care of everything, then I think he may continue to do that unless absolutely pushed into that place. I do not think you should "have" to do it nor do I think it is a good idea. He will resent you and think of you in a parental light.....and you sure don't want that. Men hate for women to talk to them as if they (the woman) is their mother. It is hard!
My H is one of those men who put off doing everything to the last minute. He hates paying bills and seldom pays them on time. It could drive me crazy! In fact, it use to when we were younger, but then I finally had to tell him that I could not deal with that type of business and we would split up the bills. I told him what I would be responsible for and he had the rest. If he chose to be late and pay extra charges, that was his problem and not mine. I know a lot of people would find fault with that "arragement" but he was not going to change and he did not want me taking care of our finances.....which I found extremely offensive b/c I was taught how to do that and he wasn't. I suppose it was a "man" thing with him! Anyway, it was what "I" had to do in order to remain sane. We still do it to this day and in fact we have separate checking accounts to opperate from. He never would post a check that he wrote or anything and I never knew what he had written, so I could not work like that. People have to do whatever it takes to work things out together. At first, he did not see the point of having two checking accounts, but we have done this for so many years now, I doubt either of us would know how to function any other way.....lol.
So, my advice in dealing with your H about the finances is that first of all.....you protect yourself. By that I mean do not get yourself in a pickle trying to protect his ego or to keep from sounding like a parent to him. That is the first and most important, IMHO. If you can find a middle ground or an agreement on what will be done and "who" will do it, then of course, that is what you would want to do. If he says he will do it and then doesn't......that is the big problem, right? So, does he have to be the one to take care of it or does it require his signature? I guess I'm asking if you have to "wait" for him in order to take care of the finaces? If not, then if it were me, I would not put myself through that unneeded stress and just go on and pay the thing and be done with it. If he "is" needed, then all you can do is to email him (which I personally think is best) and respectfully remind him that it is due and you are "depending" upon him to take care of it. You have to be very careful in the wording of these things. That is why I perfer emails b/c you have time to "think" about what and how something is expressed. In other words if you said, "I am depending on you keeping your word and taking care of this matter", he would immediately get angry at you implying he did not stick to his word. You may not have thought too much about how it sounded at the time, but that goes back to everyone being extra sensitive during these situations. Talking to him as though "he was a man" is the most important thing in the world to him. Showing him respect and not talking "down" to him as if he were stupid is major. I have learned that through-out my long years of M. I was not one to use ugly words, but I just spoke carelessly and did not realize the beating my H's ego and self-respect was taking. Even when they know they are very guilty and we have every right to be concerned......they are worse than children when talking to them.......(LOL) Dont' tell any of the guys here I've said that, okay?
Seriously, it is all about the differences in the sexes and how each one thinks and feels. It is hard to understand how the other one thinks and how they see things the way they do. He knows he did you wrong and we've discussed all of that. I think you are much more organized, responsible, and mature than he is. Truth be known......I bet he thinks that more than anybody else! But, he looks at himself as being "it is what it is" at this time.
I know people get sick of hearing us tell them that it takes time and patient and using little steps before much change is seen.......but that is just the way it is. Sometimes, I wish I could say something different and tell a person it won't be like that......and I'll have to admit there have been a few cases when it didn't take as much time as the norm, but it has been very few.
I stick to the advice I have already given you about staying away and out of contact with him as much as you can......for the time being. Hopefully, that can change at some point. But for now.....I truly believe it is what you need to do for your sake as well as his.
I've told you before, but I pray that you will be able to heal emotionally and I do hope that the two of you can make a go of it. I know you don't stop loving a person just b/c of troubles......but if he doesn't come to his senses in a reasonable time or if he should get married to OW (God forbid, then I hope you can put this behind you and move on without him.
Talk to you later.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
