I had hoped you would see my "tag post" where I realized that I had gotten confussed about the dates, etc., and thought it had been a lot more time passed than it had. I was shocked when I saw that it had been less than 24 hours! That makes me think something is wrong with me! If my brain is getting that confused....then maybe I need to stop posting. The last thing I meant to do was to hurt you by my words. As I told you in the beginning.....I speak bluntly and to the point and that was one of the things I sort of held back about and wondered if I was the right person to try to help you with anything. When a person is already suffering in their life, it doesn't help for another one to come along and hit them over the head with a club and I'm afraid that is my technique a lot of the times......due to my own impatience.
As I told you in my post.......Yes, you can come here freely to post.....to journal.....about your XH and anything else that is bothering you! It was my "bad" that I missed the time span that you had actually been divorced. I was consentrating more on trying to get you to start working on your self esteem b/c I felt that until you felt better about yourself, you would not be able to truly be happy and would continue to cling to "what may have been". That was my urgency in the matter. However, I realize these things take time and I should not have pushed you so hard. I did not know you were doing all those things to GAL and am very glad to hear about it. I must have missed that part and read all the posts that were sounding alike. At any rate, I don't want you to be hurt at me or anybody else on the board. I know for me, when I have been here on the board as long as I have and reading sooooo many posts.....it is easy to get some of them mixed up and confuse the dates. It is always embarrasing to me but it happens. I can't really speak for everyone.....just "Sandi", but a lot of times I probably need to back away for a while b/c I do sense the impatience in myself b/c I want to see faster progress in a person's stitch. It is thrilling when you see a person apply techniques that actually make a difference in their life. But, it has to be up to that individual......I have no control over it.
As I told you before, you remind me of some people who have been close over the years and I think it was b/c I was seeing a "replay" of sorts and ..........well, let's just put it down to bad timing and my poor posting.......okay? I don't want you to stop b/c you think you cannot say what you feel you "need" to say in order to deal with your stitch. You said you could not afford counseling/therapy, so this should be your souce of therapy. I know it was for me when I came on board.
Some posters are most blunt and some are down right "brutal" in their words, but you have to pick those that you feel you make a connection with and who seem to really want to help you. If you do not feel that "click" with the poster, then don't let it get to you b/c we all have our own opinions.
I was refering to any "goals" that you had tried to set for yourself. I had suggested talking to yourself in the mirror or whatever worked best. Some may think that is a silly way to do self therapy but you can try and if you don't like it then chose some other way. I am trying to start at the bottom to find a way to help you to learn to like yourself and to build your esteem. As I said, I'm no professional, but I have read a lot about the subject and I don't remember as well as I use to, but I know that that is a way to start.......with "self talk".
I do believe very strongly in prayer to God. I could talk for days about the ways He has answered my prayers and worked in the lives of my family. The point is that He will help you to get past this hurt and He will help you heal from the things that has happened to you in the past. In most areas, I feel that things should be left completely up to God without our "help". But compare it to looking for a job and asking Him to make one available. If we did not at least attempt to go looking, would He have an company president or some employer come to our door and ask us to come to work for them? Guess we could get off into a lot of debate in stuff like that and that is not my point. My point is that in the area of your self esteem, I believe you need to do whatever you can to raise your esteem. I think you should ask God to heal your hurt and to be able to deal with what the past has dished out to you......and He will! I feel that this board can be an avenue or source to help you in small steps.......and I hope you won't quit based on something one of us may have said.
I do believe you are trying, sweetie. I admit I pushed too hard too quickly and I apologize for that. I will try to slow down and give you more time.
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Sandi I also wanted to ask you if most of the MLC'ers tell the lbs to move on and find someone else to make them happy? My xh seemed really sincere about me finding someone else and moving on. I dont ever remember asking that, I was just wondering.
Oh yes, that is what we call "script" for the MLC/WAS b/c it is so typical. In fact, everything your H has done is very typical. It may have been all the changes in his work related areas in his life plus the stress of everything together that triggered his "change". We could guess at what it was and we could wonder if it is symptons of MLC or WAS or whatever, but it is best to look at the results and the facts as they stand today. The symptons of a WAS and one in MLC are so similar that it is really no use in putting yourself through the agnony of wondering which is which. It doesn't change what the end results have been is what I'm trying to say. Another lady I have been posting to is wondering the same thing about her H so she will know how to "respond" to him. Actually, the techniques of DBing do not always depend on whether it is WAS or MLC. Some stories may vary and there may be a unique stitch where things may be done a bit differently, but I can assure you that your stitch is NOT unique. It is a classic storybook case. Not a happy storybook, but classic never-the-less.
I understand you wanting to keep the door ajar where your H is concerned. I do not find fault with you about that. As long as you don't wish your life away, hoping that some day he will change his mind. It may or may not happen. You will always have love for him b/c we don't necessarily stop loving a person just b/c they did us wrong. However, I do believe that you COULD find happiness without him in your life. You probably don't ever see that happening from where you sit right now......but it CAN if you will allow it to happen. Renee, I think divorce is like a death. It is a death.........death of a M. I have been touched by it all around me except for me and my H. It is a tragedy.......in most cases, anyway. But just like in the case of a love one's death, we have to learn to move on. I think you must "grieve" over this loss and get through it where you will be able to be a healthy person afterwards. Until you grieve properly, it won't ever be "settled" in your mind. Does that make sense? Yes, it will take time and I should have been more aware that it had only been six months. That is not near long enough to have completely adjusted to a new life. You still have those tendancies to dwell on the past and rehash what he did and said and all the details surrounding the MR. Again, that is normal. You are NOT stupid! I never implied you were and don't do that to yourself, okay? I think a person has to be pretty smart to come here and pick up on all this lingo about DR & DB and all the terms used......especially when they have not read the book. I don't even think that it is an absolute that you "read" the DR book right now. If he leaves his GF and you think he is trying to make contact with you, etc., then you would probably want to read a copy to see the best way to respond to the situation. However, at this time, I think going dark (which is simply staying away from him and not contacting him) is the best way for you to go. IMHO, it is the "only" way to go.
I hope you read this soon b/c I hate to think you go another day with hurt feelings toward me or anyone else here. Try to regroup and start again, okay?
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
