Just when I thought it was over

[No Longer BH]

Its funny the talks H and I are having....so many triggers I thought I let go of. For instance, we were emailing eachother back and forth about something mundane and then I sent a really funny responce to him. He replied back that he had to pick himself up off the floor from laughing so hard. Then it hit, the trigger.....all I kept thinking was "Did he think she was as funny as me? Did he even miss my since of humor?" He reassured me once I asked him these questions, but I was still blindsided by the insecurity that the moment brought.

We had a discussion today about how I was feeling that he was only using words and not actions. He has not sent a NC letter to maggot yet and that is bothering me. Also, I sent him the first chapter to a story that I have been writing to get his input on it. I was told that he would read it when he got time. He has not read it and he has had it for 5 days. I told him that when he left the first time he made so many declarations and promises, only to not follow through. This time I need to see action, I need to see him making the effort. I was not going to open my heart back up to him if he was not capable of loving me as equally as I was capable of loving him. This meant he had to rebuild my trust towards him and he better d@mn well start following through when it came to things that are important to me. He told me he would make a better effort, he didnt mean to let these things slip, his world is just spinning so fast with everything that has happend in the last week. He is just trying to see straight but has every intention of following through.

This then lead to a conversation where he said he felt his triggers occuring...he felt as if I was trying to control him by making these demands. He understood that I needed the NC letter and that I wanted him to read my stuff, yet he felt he was doing the best he could with all of the differnt feelings that were bubbling to the surface. He knew I was not trying to control him, this was his own fear talking, yet those emotions could be very powerful if he didnt get them back into check. He then admitted that his biggest fear is that I am just not going to stick around.

How funny is that??!!?? He is the one who left me, I waited months and months and months for him to see the light. I told him that I was never the one who gave, he was the one who abandoned me. I am still open to making this committment to fixing our M, but he needed to step up and take some action. We will see if he is truly capable or not, time will tell. Until then, I am hopeful for the best but still gaurded.