Dealing With Ambivalence

[Bagheera]

Bah...no "master" here, V: I still struggle with some aspects of my own SSM recovery daily...and screw up sometimes...and then dust off, and keep on going.

Firstly -- bravo on the NMMNG work, and way to go on finding a support group for you in that regard. Keep at it, and keep improving yourself, for YOURSELF!

Second -- my opinion is that I think that you should set a deadline for seeing some kind of significant progress in your relationship --> some moves on her part to start meeting *your* needs / desires for a change, and not just her continued focus on her needs and her anger about the past. You should not just continue on indefinitely -- she needs to get in the game also. Personally, I gave it one year from the time that I started busting my butt to set my marriage straight: if nothing had noticeably improved after one year from the time that I bagan my work, then I was prepared to walk. HOWEVER, I also shared this information with my wife, so that she understood fully what was at stake. Informing your wife well ahead of time (months) is key. She deserves a chance to make changes too.

Others will disagree here, and think that setting an arbitrary time frame is unfair and inflexable to the situation. In my own case, however, it was the ONLY thing that really got my wife up and moving and trying to make changes. Otherwise, she was prepared to enjoy the changes that --> I <-- was making, feel justified that she had been right all along and that I had finally "seen the light," but admit to no mistakes and make no changes in *her* behavior. I firmly got the point across that IF we were going to stay together, then we BOTH had to work on meeting *each other's* needs, and each work equally hard to make positive changes. Otherwise, we would be separating permamently.

Bagheera, I seem to be stuck in a terrible Catch-22 in the "basic affection" category. By "basic affection" I mean hello/goodbye kisses, hugs, light touching, holding hands, all non-sexual stuff. Mostly, I try to "act as if" and give some affection to her. Mostly she just "takes" and does not give much of anything back. If I hug her, she just stands there usually. If I kiss her, it's just a paternal peck on the lips or cheek. It seems like it works inside a very narrow range: too much/too often is "pressure", and too little/not often enough is "withdrawal" (by me, according to her).

Her anger is seeping through here too, and you're still being punished, apparently -- while at the same time, you are expected to keep delivering. All I can advise you to do here is: do what feels NATURAL and AFFECTION to **you**, regardless of her response. If you are feeling honest affection and want to show it, then do it, for your own selfish (non-sexual) pleasure, in addition to whatever she gets out of it. Once it starts to feel obligatory and is done grudgingly, it loses its effectiveness, altogether. If she asks you why you're backing off, then tell her the truth --> that because she doesn't return most of the affection you show her, its hard for you to continue giving it to her in a one-sided fashion.

I know that you're trying to meet her needs and "prove yourself" a changed and better man to her, but continue to keep a lot of the focus on YOU, and do what's good for YOU, for yourself: else, your efforts won't be sustainable and will lead to more resentment and frustration on your part.

-- B.