trying to understanding if I am dealing with depressed husband, walk away syndrome, or possibly MLC with depression thrown in. hoping to figure our most likely what I am dealing with, then know how best to respond.
I think he is certainly depressed but he's running from the reality of things. He can't coop with it and is trying to drown himself in a different life from what he had with you. Of course he is a WAS b/c that is exactly what he did. I don't know about the MLC. He seems very young for that, however, I seemed too old and I think it happen to me......so we can't always go by age. I still feel that it is him being deppressed and not cooping with "what it is" and trying to hide from it instead of dealing with it. He thinks that he can try to have an A with this OW and work until he drops and he won't think about the life he had with you and the plans that the two of you made, etc. It won't work, but who knows how long he may continue to go that direction?
As far as how you respond to him and the stitch.......I think you would stay calm, poised, act in a somewhat friendly manner so that you do not appear to be angry or vindictive about anything. I would not go so far as to tell you to act upbeat like we usually tell people b/c in your case I think it may comes across and unappropriate and fake.......due to the circumstances of the stitch. I would be nice and try to treat him as if he were a friend from your past. That is not a good way to express what I'm trying to say, but it's about the best I can do today..... You don't want to have "drama" when you are around him. That is why it is important to keep your cool and stay in control even if your emotions are bouncing off the walls. Try not to believe everything he says b/c he is most likely to say things that will hurt you. What he is doing is trying to not only convince "you", but to convince himself of what he is saying. That is true of WAS and MLC. The two are very similar and I would not worry so much about which one it is b/c you would still want to conduct yourself in the same way. You don't act cold toward him, but you certainly don't throw yourself at him either. Do as you always do, which is to act like a lady. If he shows you that he wants to talk about the R and he seems to be in the right frame of mind to proceed.....then I would encourage him to say what he wants to say and if you can validate what he says or agree or justify or whatever......then you can do that. But, if you don't think he is rational and is on a tear, then I would tell you not to get into an argument and walk away before more hurt feelings come about. Unless he has changed his mind about the stitch, then he is likely to say something you don't want to hear, but you won't know until you go.....if he invites you.
If he tries to contact you, I think you respond in the same manner if it is over the phone. If he gets rude or whatever, then tell him you are not prepared to continue while he is talking in that manner. I think emails are easier.....lol.
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what is the right ballance between empathy, giving people (mostly I mean the WAS) the time to work out their issues on their own time, validating their feelings and being their friend-the person they ideally will realize they don't want to give up-(also because it makes us feel better to conduct ourselves with grace and kindness) AND responding to disrespectful inconsiderate treatment that not only hurts but indicates that we will except this?
I don't know that he needs to see you showing a lot of empathy for him. I am thinking you are wondering if you should do this if he is depressed. Men are so different from us and remember that "male ego" of theirs! He could probably stand anybody showing empathy but his wife. As i said before, just try to treat him like a "casual friend" (which I know sounds impossible, but that is a type of guideline) and try to be nice but not gushy. Don't "over-kill" with too much laugher and getting all giddy. I can't see you doing that but sometimes our emotions get kind of crazy.
I tell you what I will do. Instead of trying to answer your questions, I am going to send you my list of Do's and Don'ts. It was design for mostly a couple who is still living under the same roof, but it can work for a S couple as well. The list looks long, but actually it is a short guide to what DR teaches.
Well, I could not get my computer to copy and past.....so maybe next time.
Anyway, you need to give him space and do not that will be seen by him as "pressure" b/c he will not react well to that. You win his convidence by showing him you are not angry toward him and when he sees you are "peaceful" then he may want some of that also. He may begin to feel that he can confide in you as a friend. After a few times of talking together or seeing each other for a few minutes, then you can begin to lighten up and show a more fun side. I know you are feeling like throwing a party or anything, but I just mean to try to have that personality of being "light hearted" so he will know that you aren't going to start talking about old times or get emotional on him. Those are important things. If you have a chance to compliment him on something, then make it sound sincere. Hopefully it will build some self esteem. A person who is depressed has very, very low self esteem. If he acts cocky.....it's a cover-up. I think he is truly depressed and just covering up.
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How are we supossed to gauge if "doing something different" is to continue to rise above, be the better person, so they have less ammunition to justify thier anger at us, or if the doing something different required is to calmly but directly address the disrespectful behavior? And, in switching up the doing something different, doesn't that then become waffeling back and forth so you never really get the full impact of either strategey?
I'm getting the feeling you are planning to stay dark! First of all, by being the better person......are you speaking of the OW or him or yourself? Who are you trying to be better than? If it is any of these.....including yourself.....you work to improve yourself and be the best you can be. Don't compete against the OW........just be your best.
I'm not sure I am fully understanding what you are saying in that quote. Are you talking about doing 180's? Maybe I need to wait for you to clearify that for me.
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we control what we do for ourself and how we choose to respond, but if we are at the point where we want to drop the rope and have nothing to to do with them in response but still have ongoing issues (child swapping, joint financial responsibilities that can not be seperated immediately...) how are you supossed to respond when they are not acting respectfully. I feel like a little kid whinning...HEY, NO FAIR!
Are you talking about your stitch or just LBS in general?
Guess I need to go to bed and maybe I will see things more clearly in the morning.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You don't want to have "drama" when you are around him. That is why it is important to keep your cool and stay in control even if your emotions are bouncing off the walls. Try not to believe everything he says b/c he is most likely to say things that will hurt you. What he is doing is trying to not only convince "you", but to convince himself of what he is saying. That is true of WAS and MLC. The two are very similar and I would not worry so much about which one it is b/c you would still want to conduct yourself in the same way. You don't act cold toward him, but you certainly don't throw yourself at him either. Do as you always do, which is to act like a lady. If he shows you that he wants to talk about the R and he seems to be in the right frame of mind to proceed.....then I would encourage him to say what he wants to say and if you can validate what he says or agree or justify or whatever......then you can do that. But, if you don't think he is rational and is on a tear, then I would tell you not to get into an argument and walk away before more hurt feelings come about. Unless he has changed his mind about the stitch, then he is likely to say something you don't want to hear, but you won't know until you go.....if he invites you.
