Can anyone answer this? Part 8

[sandi2]

Hi again, I hope you are feeling well today and maybe even a bit stronger. If you have a day now and then that you do feel stronger, that is a good sign b/c it means you are growing and you are healing. I believe you do have lots of healing to do but not just over the M problems, but over all your years of hurt and disappointment.

You said you did not want to be mean to your XH if being in MLC was like an illness. In a way, it seems like an illness, but people must handle their R in different ways. Even the DR book gives more than one strick way of dealing with a WAS. BTW, I don't think you should be mean to your XH or try to get revenge in any way. I do think you need to come to terms with how things are now and try to make a life for yourself and move forward. I think that there are things that has happened that has left you feeling unloved, unworthy, and of no value to anyone. That is not true.....but I think it is how you "feel" at this time. You have based your value on other things and now those things have come tumbling down and you feel lost and hopeless. I do wish you could let go of what has happened with you and your XH b/c until you can do that.....you will never get to feeling better about life, yourself, and other relationships. You will not be able to feel happy, valued, and free to grow as an individual. These things are most important for your well being. Nobody can make that happen but "you". I'm sure that detaching yourself from what "once was" has been very difficult. I do believe you need to set a goal for yourself to try to reach every day. It should be a small goal that is reasonable and that you will feel good about accomplishing.

It is fine to come here to talk about your XH and the things that went wrong or what once was good, etc. However, let me try to gently point something out to you, okay? I spoke a lot of you and your self esteem in my last post. I suggested some daily goals or "steps" for you to do to try to start feeling better about yourself. But when you replied to my post, you wrote the same things that you have posted many, many times before......that being all about your XH. It's okay and I'm not fussing at you.....I want you to fully understand that. It's just that not one time did you mention anything about what you might do to help yourself. It was as if it was ignored. I could be very blunt and tell you that frankly I don't care what your XH did in the past or what he is doing now b/c the two of you are not a couple any longer and he has moved on with OW. I could tell you to forget about that jerk and make a life for yourself and stop living in the past. I could point out the fact that I do not see a person who is trying to get a life for herself and is wallowing in sorrow and self-pity. However, I am not telling you those things! I don't know, but I have a feeling that you have basically been told that before by somebody on the board and they grew frustrated with you and felt that you were not cooperating.......am I correct or is it my imagination? As I told you in the beginning, I will try to be here and help you just as long as you show that you are at least "trying" to make some personal growth in your life. I will listen to your sorrow for a time, but after a significate period has past and you are still saying the same thing over and over about your XH and you are not taking any steps at all to try to improve your personal growth, then I too will grow very frustrated. Now please understand what I am saying, Renee. I am not saying that I have no compassion or understanding...okay? It is simply that I will not know how to help you if you don't try to help yourself and I will no longer know what to say to you. I am not a professional counselor, but I wish I were and knew just the words to say. Don't think that I am agrivated with you b/c I'm not. I am only concerned that you are still saying the same thing in almost every post. I do understand why you updated me on the activities that happened and I appreciate your time in doing that. However, I did read about that before. So, I think I have most of the details about the MR. I just want you to be able to get past all of that stuff that happened and realize that you can do NOTHING about it. You can't change what has happened in the past.....you can only work toward a better future. Will you do that? Will you work to lay this behind you and look toward tomorrow? As long as you look "back" at what has transpired, you will never go anywhere. What good does it do to stand in one spot and continue to look where you have been? Nothing, except maybe learn from it, but you must turn your head and look straight ahead and put one foot in front of the other in order to "walk". I want you to start moving and begin that new, fresh walk toward your tomorrow. You are afraid and feel insecure and certainly without any self esteem. So....my question for you is what are your plans to do in order to change that?

I have asked similar questions before and they were unanswered. You did great at answering the questions I asked about your growing up years or your MR, however, you didn't respond to some of these type of questions except to agree that your self esteem was very low. I have some ideas that may work to help you but I need to see you trying to make a move to help yourself. All I can do is make suggestions, but it is up to you to do the work. So......are you trying to do as I suggested and look at yourself in that mirror everyday and say the things I told you to say? You may feel silly if you've never talked to yourself before.....but don't knock it until you've tried it. Talk to that reflection as if she was your best friend. That is the point. You must learn to be your own best friend and in order to do that....you've got to like Renee. If "you" don't like her.....rest assured that nobody else will!

So that is what I need to know, sweetie. Have you done anything that I suggested or anyone else has tried to get you to do?

I'll be anxious to hear from you.

Take care,
Sandi