I think what I am confused on is I try to do stuff with friends or go to a poker tournament or whatever, and you all tell me that is filler time and not getting a life.
What is getting a life then? I'm in an apartment so there is not a lot I can do such as any kind of remodeling and I really want to make friends and be with people.
I guess I am just a little confused.
Kevin
Hi Kev, a good friend of yours (whether you realize it yet or not) sent me your way. I am going to start with defining this getting a life term that is being thrown at you here.
Getting a life is not simply about going out and doing stuff to kill time. It is about defining the way that you want to live your life and making effective changes in your attitude to match up with those goals. You see everyone keeps telling you it is filler because even though you go out and do things, when you come back you are still in the same old rut.
It is a filler because you seem to be using it to deflect from time normally spent agonizing over your current situation.
So here is what I want you to do. Sit down and figure out what you want your life to be. I know it is a bit morbid, but I want you to think of it as if your W had passed away. Once you grieved, how would you perceive your life to be? What kind of things would you do differently? What kind of role model would you be for your kids? How would you change things that you do today?
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And I am enabling it. I guess I miss her so much I just make myself willing to jump at it to be with her.
Your going to have to forgive my forwardness here, but quit with the bullshitt excuses for why you behave the way you do and instead simply acknowledge your weakness and work on it. You do the carp that you do for her because you have convinced yourself that you are not complete without her. That is a whole lot of power to give one woman, especially with all the crap she has done to you.
AND......
WTF is with these titles. "divorce looming" barf.... lose that negative crap and figure out something positive to title your threads.
Kev, I think you need a bit of a perspective change. I think you need to stop assimilating your wife into your life while she is truly not part of it. I see this as harmful to any chance you have of improving your situation. I know you will hate to hear this, but if you really want a chance of working on yourself and your marriage, you need to completely let her go. Let her feel all the feelings of what divorce is gonna be like and let her view you from a far improving your life.
Some rules for you.....
1. Stop doing ANYTHING for her that you don't truly want to do.
2. Keep your time with your kids on a strict schedule and do not bend on that.
3. Schedule yourself 15-30 minutes each day to grieve the relationship, utilize that time to get your crying or anger out, and then let it go for the rest of the day. Quit allowing this to consume your days.
4. Start actively listening to the things you are being told here. You seem to be a yes man telling folks you understand what they are saying and then in the next breath ask the same exact type of question.
5. Get a life, the right way. Not just doing for the sake of doing. Do because it is something you like to do. Something you would do if you were a single guy. Figure out where your passion lies and pursue it.
That's gonna about do it for today. I think you really need to take a long hard look at how much power and control you are allowing her to have in your life. I think you need to take a long hard look at how you are unable to focus on you for any amount of time because she pops in your mind. Oh, and not being able to not think about her for 100 minutes???? That is a problem dude.
