Dealing With Ambivalence

[Bagheera]

Thanks V;

If you haven't figured this out yet (and I think that you have), the best thing that you can do is to NOT be defensive, and ACCEPT the wrongs or hurts that she lists as valid, apologize for them, and express your determination to do all that you can to produce a healthy, happy relationship in the future. You can't change the past and neither can she --> you can only move forward together and DO better from now on.

In cases like this, you have to make a choice: would you rather be RIGHT or would you rather forge a better relationship? Obviously, she is still stuck on being RIGHT, which leaves you as the one to extend the olive branch. At some point, she will either have to accept that olive branch and learn to forgive, OR she will need to let you go your own way. You'll have to decide how long you are willing to stand there holding it out.

You know, I wonder about how late in life the two of you married. Is this a first marrage for both of you? or are there past relationships/marriages that are potentially haunting (psychologically) your own? What were your past relationships (yours and hers) like? What was your courtship period like?

The impression that you last post is leaving me with -- which could be very much wrong, so please correct me -- is that your wife looked at the "biological clock," noticed that her time was almost up for having children of her own, and she subsequently "settled" --> married someone who perhaps wasn't her ideal mate, but who was "good enough" to try and settle down and have kids with before she was no longer able to. She wanted to start trying to get pregnant the instant you got married, and then made it a prerequisite for sex....sexual blackmail. Didn't you guys talk about your preferences for having kids prior to getting married?

The problem with the above scenario is that when a woman "settles" for a Nice Guy, rather than someone that she has some real sexual chemistry with, you generally get an SSM and a very frustrated Nice Guy. And no ladies, I'm not being sexist here: men often "settle" too, and produce frustrated goodwives in the process.

What does Mr. Therapist say about all of this, V? What course of action is he working on?

-- B.