Trusting I have been reading for months now, but your thread is the first one I have wanted to reply to. So please bear with me. Who knows, maybe I will post my sitch someday.
My H and I are also living in the same house. I have been in our master bedroom, and he has been in the guest room for a year now. He is in MLC and has memorized the script well. It is so hard watching him come and go, wondering where he is, and who he's with. Sometimes I think it would be so much easier if he wasn't living here. What I have the most trouble with is when he comes home right after work, for two nights in a row ( we eat dinner and watch a movie together ) and then the third night he comes home, changes his clothes and is gone for several hours. When he comes home, he barely says anything to me, and goes straight to his room.
I don't want to hijack your thread, so I won't go into anything more here. I just wanted to let you know that there is someone else out here that is still living with their MLC'r.
Yes this is the script the crazy, erratic behavior the bomb the disappearing acts the withdrawal
watch your bank accounts they spend secretly they spend so they will try to cover this up if at all possible take care of yoursself therapy is helpful for LBS usually MLCer will not go or they will quit claiming M is over OW are usually already in place try to have no R talks go about your life, caring for your kids try to validate and appreciate MLCEr ( difficult) but that seems to get them to talk to us again good luck peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Thanks for your responses. Mlj, I was a "lurker" for awhile, too, before I started to post I too hate it when he goes out for hours and doesn't say where he is going. If I dwell on it, I just get mad that he thinks he has the "right" to treat me with so little consideration. And he does the same thing - heads down to the basement saying little to nothing usually when he comes in.
I have seen some positive changes in his particularly the last couple of weeks. He is finally taking an interest in the house and yard and projects that need to be done for the first time in MONTHS. I am not sure what, if anything, that means. He has more time with work slowed down but he is also choosing to be home more it seems. He also is not only spending more time with the kids and actually connecting with them rather than just being near them, if that makes sense. He has even been more friendly with me and making more eye contact. He even seems to be telling me more where he is going/what he is doing (though I don't necessarily believe everything I hear).
I am not sure whether to be CAUTIOUSLY optimistic or not. He still is displaying replay behavior (though that seems to be settling a bit) and spending lots of money (seriously, it is like all reason is gone) though. And then there are the moody days.
Cat, my H also went through a QLC crisis probably about 10 years ago though it was very mild and he even acknowledged it recently (but not calling it a "crisis"). He obviously didn't deal with things then so here we are again. Do you think your husband is starting to emerge or not?
This is also the hardest thing I have gone through. It can be hard to not take the rejection personally,even knowing it is mostly their issue rather than much of antything to do with you.
I would like to think so but at the same time, I am afraid that he is not done yet and more than anything, I do want my H to be happy and healthy. I would hate to watch him be one of the ones that gets stuck.
To be honest, I had no idea what I was dealing with the first time, or until last fall this time. My wonderful teenage son is the one who suggested it. All I knew was that I felt like I was reliving the past and because of what that had done to my self esteem then, even with good years in between, I was more apt to believe his words that it was all me, nothing I could do was right and what not. Having spent many months reading and educating myself about MLC and depression, I know this is what it has been both times, and as much as I can understand it now, it also leaves me angry with him. Angry for the reactions in me that his words and actions had caused. Somewhere inside me, I knew I was a good mother and I bent over backwards trying to be the perfect wife but I never believed in myself after the first time. So when it all started again, well I just sort of sunk into my own pit. In a way, it was a good thing because I was forced to start my journey very quickly. It was the only way that I was going to survive and be able to breathe. I detached completely out of self preservation and anger, but it was necessary for me. I didn't care what he did or did not do unless it involved our child. I just wanted him to leave me alone. This actually made him angrier with me because I wouldn't fight with him anymore. Around the holidays we sort of called a truce and started speaking. Eventually, I have been able to do the DB stuff of being friendly, listening and validating. Since mid January, I have seen things changing in him. I have seen MY H underneath the garbage. I have heard the sorrow and the confusion in his words and seen it in his actions. I have realized he is not as happy as he thought he would be. But I have also seen the "alien" H as well. He did finally admit he doesn't want to move out, there is no one else, talking to women is how "it" starts, but he still does not want to be in R with me. I know he has seen my changes. I know he is uncertain if I still want him and why. He has been testing me. He has been wondering if my changes, which are more about taking care of myself and not feeling like I shouldn't are real. We are working on being friends. So something is happening with him. I just don't know what and I am not going to speculate.
Don't try to figure out what your H is doing. He will do what he is going to, he will test you, he will reach out to the children, then pull back. You will know when the changes are true changes. I can't really say how other than you will know. And remember, as horrible as it sounds, just because they come out of it is NO guarantee that they will want to be with you, or that you will want to be with them.
That is something I am working on in myself right now. I have healed so much. My self esteem is growing leaps and bounds. I know what I want and what I deserve out of a relationship. I have forgiven both him and myself. I am setting my boundaries of how I will be treated, who will be a part of MY life, how much I am willing to give. I will not live in dysfunction anymore and I know that. I don't know if H will be able live with those changes, the new me, and I don't know if he wants to. But in the meantime, I have lost almost 40 pounds and I have the body I had when we were teenagers. I have new clothes. I am learning how to be a woman again, not a mother, not a wife. My sexual responses have changed, and I am becoming the woman I was when we met, the woman I grew into as we grew up. I mother my son and my son only. I won't let H get away with trying to act like a child. What I do do for H, is only what I feel like doing, and he finally after 20 years is beginning to appreciate it and is recognizing how much I do do.
My best suggestion is to take care of yourself. Don't let this destroy you like it almost did to me. Work on learning about you and becoming what you want to be as if he will not be in the picture. That is what you will need to do if you are going to try to stand. It took me time to get to the place where I could say that I wanted to see what happens. And I have only admitted that to myself, my S, and God. The more you can do that, the less you will be concerned with what H is doing and the more clearly you will actually "see" what he is going through.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
cat, An excellent posting. I couldn't have said it better.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you. I have learned so much by reading your posts, I just love the Halloween story. Has anything more happened with Rip Van Winkle? I haven't been able to find anything more after your lunch with him.
Trusting,
I keep coming back to your thread in my head and I have felt there was more I wanted to say but couldn't figure it out until just now. I don't know if you have read Hearts Blessings Stages posts, someone resurrected it recently and Snodderly posted on there something that I wholeheartedly agree with. The stages were wonderful although the brain does not usually work quite in the way it was described as far as a step by step procedure. It is more like there is a lot of back and forth between the stages for a long long time. The time line is nice and wouldn't it be wonderful to look at the short end, but I think it is not that cut and dry, and I honestly think the MLC's in shorter duration are few and far between. Use them as a simple guide to keep you knowing that you are not going crazy. You will see things, things that look like forward progress, but then all of a sudden, they will go backwards. Actually, if you are healing and learning, you will do the same thing and boy it is frustrating. But you have kids so you know, you have to crawl before you can walk and walk before you run. And you fall down a whole lot in between. My S crawled then took his steps and never looked back, but most children I know, start to walk but then return to crawling because they are more secure in it, they get where they are going faster, and it isn't until their confidence is built up in their walking ability that they are able to do it all of the time and move on to the next step. It is the same thing with MLC.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Cat, Thank you so much for your insights/advice - it has been so helpful! And I can't believe the timing of your last post - I don't believe in coincidences. I woke up this morning being so grateful for the positive changes I have seen but then so discouraged that it is one step forward two steps back. So seeing this post was a great encouragement to me. I have read those stages by Hearts Blessing. In fact, that was what really gave me a lot of insight into the situation a few weeks ago. I too think for most it is not that cut and dried and the time lines are all over the place.
I think my husband is/has bouncing between replay, withdrawal, and the depression for a few weeks now. The replay MAY be slowing up a bit which would be nice. That is the wackiest stuff. The fact that he hasn't been going through this as long as most seem to makes me wonder about the positive changes and, like you, I just want my husband to be whole and happy again. If he doesn't completely "finish" this it sounds like it may cause bigger problems down the line.
Again, I am going to try to be grateful for the positives and glimpses of my "old" H that are peeking through the fog and just keep focusing on me and the kids and trying to make our lives as balanced and happy as I can. This journey is h$ll but I am grateful for positive changes in me. We got married young and for the first time probably in our marriage I have finally learned in the past few months that I am NOT an extension of my husband, I am NOT responsible for his choices, and my self esteem is NOT dependent on him.
And I am glad I am finally moving from faking it to making it.:)
You are welcome. My first time on this board, which was less than a year ago, although it feels like eons, was very much for my healing. Use this place to vent, ask questions, listen, and learn.
You are right. I too do not believe in coincidences. I had not intended to post here anymore even though I have not stopped lurking. I met the people I was supposed to. I developed those relationships and taught and learned and became friends with the people that I needed for my journey, as well as their own. Some I still talk to, some I don't. But I never stopped lurking, checking in on some, reading archives. Something about your thread struck me, and I felt that I had to post to you. I know there will be more for me to say you as this plays out and I probably didn't get what I really wanted to share with you until this morning because it was being held until a time when YOU needed to hear it. I will keep checking in. Have faith in yourself and know that you have the strength to come through this.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I will keep on going forward with the blinders on to the crazy behaviors/words and put my energy into making me better and making things as normal and good as possible for the kids.
Wanted to check in and see how you were doing, and noticed you haven't been on in the last day or so. I hope you are doing okay.
I had to laugh at what you said about the blinders. It is so true! I try very hard to keep the blinders on, but sometimes it gets the best of me.
There are times when living with my H and his confusing behavior really gets to me. At those times, I go and visit my mom who lives about 30 minutes away in the next town. It gives me a chance to regroup and gather more strength to come home and continue to live in this nightmare. I just got back this afternoon after being gone for five days. Tonight H came home from work,changed into shorts and casual shirt, grabbed a book, and left. I then start to wonder where in the world is he going to read. If he's going to OW, is she getting so boring that he needs to bring along a book?! LOL
Living with H makes it so easy to want to analyze everything. I really need those blinders tonight.
Just remember, The joy of the Lord is our STRENGTH.
