I have said that it is her choice, and that she has to live her own life and make her own decisions, but I was also was firm that I would fight for my rights in a D. She has since interpreted this as me becoming an *ss in a D and has said she is afraid of that - ie I am not supportive.
We've had EXACTLY the same conversation! Because we may not agree on what's "fair", I am an a$$ and not supportive of her -- since I also said I would not co-sign her loans for graduate school as part of a D settlement... "But, we've been married for 22 years?!? Why wouldn't you sign?"...
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
Well, my H seems to think that my unwillingness to surrender to his desire to be whatever this is (married but single) clearly exhibits why our marriage failed; I'm too committed to being married for us to be married.
Anyway, yes we are being mind-f*cked on the D front.
"But, we've been married for 22 years?!? Why wouldn't you sign?"...
When I finally grew some balls and told my adulterous H what I wanted for the terms of the D, he said: "But I was a good H for 20 years and you're doing this?"
Me 56 H 47 Married 21 years No children Bomb & moved out 4/07 "My feelings have changed" & "I want to live by myself". Ow Bomb 8/07 H filed 6/08 D final 2/05/10
Only you know Mrs. T well enough to make this judgment, but I wonder whether or not "leaving her alone" is the best course of action...
-AlexEN
AlexEN,
I have absolutely no idea.
I know for a fact that she is not OK - I can clearly see it. She is unhappy, she is stressed...
but I also believe her when she says she doesn't want to talk (to me) about it.
We have even had fights about this - why she can't talk to me. Her script answer is always "For years you weren't there for me, and now I don't want to talk to you any more..."
If I burrow past this one, there is often another answer "I don't want to talk about it with you because it is just going to hurt you and you are just going to get angry..."
This really means that she is embarrassed or ashamed of her thoughts / worries / actions, and does not want to talk to me about them.
I have really not found the magic to getting past this one - she really clams up. I have managed to break through it a few times through persistence (getting frustrated and angry myself in the process) and it has always been something like "I am not attracted to you, I don't want to be married any more, etc."
Sometimes I think that the argument it takes to break through the "I don't want to talk about it" causes more damage to the R than the resulting discussion fixes.
So I wonder...(and am open to advice)
Is there a way to break through the wall of "I don't want to talk about it"?
Any advice? I'm open.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Well, how about "Your behavior is impacting me and our children. I care deeply about you and I am here for you and at the same time, I am not able to live with you under these conditions. Something needs to change now."
Or something to that effect. I would actually not go with that precise language. Just chew on your bottom line.
What do you think is a realistic path to change?
What if you told her you are not afraid, that you want to hear everything and get it out on the table, that you are man enough to take it and you can both decide what to do from there?
I don't know, something that gives you your power back. She is withholding, that is her control here. If she knew you could handle it, she might open up.
I think you're going to have to accept the likelihood of D, let her know you are not fighting her on that, you want to really communicate though before you make that kind of move.
I dunno, I'm just rambling here...think about it. What is a realistic path to some progress in any direction? Only you know her and your sitch. What is the "something" that you want to happen now, and I mean something realistic...MC or Retrouvaille or what?
As someone who used the "I don't want to talk about it" when I was "happily" married - it was easier for me to open up when we were playing - i.e. hiking, movies, vacations, car rides, etc. I know that sounds simplistic and I'm not as familiar with your sitch but I've found the suggestion "hold still and let the butterfly come to you" quite helpful.
Me 56 H 47 Married 21 years No children Bomb & moved out 4/07 "My feelings have changed" & "I want to live by myself". Ow Bomb 8/07 H filed 6/08 D final 2/05/10
As someone who used the "I don't want to talk about it" when I was "happily" married - it was easier for me to open up when we were playing - i.e. hiking, movies, vacations, car rides, etc. I know that sounds simplistic and I'm not as familiar with your sitch but I've found the suggestion "hold still and let the butterfly come to you" quite helpful.
Thanks Silver Fox,
I think that is basically what I am doing right now - being friendly, happy, living my life, and not trying to chase her.
I think her request to start MC is a sign that she wants to talk, but feels she can't do it one on one.
I'll keep doing what I am doing for a while longer - giving her "friendly space"
On that note, got to go rally the S4 and S6. It's Saturday Pizza-making night!
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
