Trying to detach from the madness!

[Startingover2]

I just have to journal this:

Baby and I just got home from the wedding ceremony so she can take a nap before the reception.

It actually was a very beautiful ceremony. MIL looked very happy and the words were so touching. I was standing most of the time at the back of the church crying. Everything touched me. Exh was best man so he was up front the whole time. I just kept staring at him listening to the words in the service and wondered why he couldn't take his vows seriously? Love, fidelity, during bad and good, sticking by eachother, forsaking all others...the list goes on and on. I watched him and I know he kept looking down during those moments.

After the service his sister came and gave me a hug and whispered in my ear and asked how I was. I lost it and the tears started flowing again. She said she understood. I didn't want exh to see me crying but I think he did. Outside he was holding baby and I had my sunglasses on and he pulled me close and asked if I was ok and what was wrong. I just said it was hard. He said I know.

Time to regroup before i take baby to the reception after her nap.

Going today really set me back alot emotionally. Huge. I am back to being depressed about what should have been. Our beautiful child, our other kids, our family.