mike/phx - I'm sorry to read about your sitch. To find out your W has been lying and keeping so much from you hurts so much.
I think you're going to need some time to process all of this... how you are feeling today is different than you may feel next week. I would suggest you pull out DR again and read and re-read the chapter on A's. I'm not an expert, but yes, I think you go dark now. Take that time to work on yourself and take care of yourself... and give W time to process what's occurred as well.
Sorry you're having to go through this. It just plain stinks!
I'm really sorry to hear this. Trust me when I tell you that it gives me absolutely NO satisfaction to be right about these things, but I did see the warning signs and I try to prepare people for it so that they're not so emotionally blown away when they find out.
How did you leave it with her after your confrontation?
Do you have any kids? (I'm sorry, I don't remember).
Is the OM married? Have you considered exposure?
I need to go back and re-read your sitch before I give you more specific advice, as the next 24 hours is very important, as is the next week. DON'T DO ANYTHING in the meantime! If she tries to talk to you, say one or more of the following:
"I have some decisions to make before we discuss this."
"I don't want to discuss this right now; I have some thinking to do."
"There's nothing to discuss about our marriage so long as there is a third person in it. End your affair, and we'll talk."
You don't need to be phony-chipper, but don't be glum either. Just reflect "resolve." Business-like; calm. I'm REALLY glad you got on the ADs when you did; that will really help you in the days ahead with what we need to do.
Final question for now, and I'm sorry to have to ask it, but have you had unprotected sex with your wife in the last few months? If so, you'll want to get yourself tested.
again, I'm sorry. But this does NOT have to mean the end of your marriage, unless YOU want it to. We're going to start driving now, instead of being an unwilling passenger on a ride with a woman at the wheel who does NOT have your marriage's best interests at heart.
I'm doing a lot of esteem building with her now because of the job loss and that's clearly helping her. She's also very appreciative of the fact that I was totally supportive about her change in financial fortunes and that I insisted she stay at the house and that we could live off of my income as long we had to, regardless of what our marital outcome will be (I don't want to see her suffer).
Mike,
Circling back and reading your sitch, I came across the above. Not today, but this one thing that's going to have to change. Simply put, there are things that a man is willing to do for his faithful wife, but these kinds of bets are off now.
If you haven't already done so, print the most damning e-mails and save them off-site (maybe with a friend). Or print them to .pdf and e-mail them to yourself at a web-based (like gmail) e-mail account.
Also, begin to DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. Just do a daily journal; it's therapeutic, you can use it to look back on and see what works and what doesn't, and you can also use it legally if it ever comes to that (and it doesn't have to if you don't want it to).
When you get a moment, please give us some details on your financial arrangement: who-makes-what, what joint funds (and joint credit cards) she has access to, etc. Included in this, can you tell me what things she is spending money on that are enabling her affair: cellphone, make-up, gym membership, lingerie, gifts, etc., and who's been paying for them? I'm going to suggest that you immediately end all financial support that directly enables her adultery.
You are awesome for providing this man with the support and advice that he needs. Kudos to you, man!
"We're going to start driving now, instead of being an unwilling passenger on a ride with a woman at the wheel who does NOT have your marriage's best interests at heart."
That's good stuff PDT!
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Thanks for the support to you both. Here's the deal today...
After the confrontation and the presentation of the facts as I know them she was heading home to get some things and is at her daughters house for at least the weekend. The conversation ended with her confirming that she had been lying to me and the MC all this time, confirmed the person and nature of the relationship (says no PA) and was sorry. Not sorry about the relationship, sorry she got caught and she was hurting me again. I ended this call by saying I will not live in an open relationship so take the weekend to decide but know if it's the OM you need to get out of the house. I stated if that's your choice we'll process the paperwork, divide the funds and assets and I'll be decent but I don't want to be around you. That was step 1.
Next, I called her brother (and my best friend) and left him a vmail with some details and asked if we could get together. I also texted her D and told her what was happening and told her I felt hurt that she would her her mom have an affair (she gave her the "secret" account she was using to carry on). She texted back that she knew nothing about it, was only trying to help her mom, that she loved me and was sorry that was happening. We cleared the air and I now know she was just an innocent enabler.
Then, I called both the cell phone and office phone of the OM and stated in vmail in a calm, clear voice who I was, that I knew about the affair, the hotel rooms, the emails, the calls and texts and that he was interfering in my marriage and our attempts to resolve matters. I said if he sends 1 more email, text, calls her or communicates with her in any way ever again I will contact his wife and his employer with all of the details, I will ensure that the people he works with all knows what kind of man he is - in short, I will destroy your life. He is a well known man in Flagstaff, has a wonderful wife with 3 kids (1 adopted) and a great career that would be ruined if this came to light (for the same reasons my wife was fired - fraternization). I followed this up by responding to an email from her "secret" account that contained pics of him and his kids and stated that I have all the evidence, this pic is just an example, that he should never communicate with my W ever again or I will folow through on my threat. I also told him I pitied him for ruining his own marriage and hurting his kids and wife and I felt pity for he and my W for being such weak, cowardly people.
I then called my W to let her know what I had done (the called and texts) and I intended to let the rest of the family know what had happened. She asked what I had said and I reiterated. She then said that she called the OM immediately after the confrontation and told him I know and that he should never call or contact her again, that she needed to work on her M (not that I really believe this). I again asked for confirmation of the PA, the hotel yesterday, she denied and that went nowhere. I told her that she needed to have a talk with her mother this weekend and come clean with everything (she hasn't told her she lost her job or about the OM) and that any chance for us to talk again starts with her being 100% honest and answering questions. I told her I would not doing anything damaging to her about savings and asked she do the same and she agreed. That was the last time we talked.
I met with my BIL last night and we had a nice talk; he's shocked and disappointed because she knows better having been there. He assured me he'll be there for me regardless of what happens and I know he will.
I came home last night and took down every picture of us in the house, I moved back into the Master BR and moved her stuff into the guest BR. She left me our joint Visa (which I cancelled last night) and built a pile of stuff that includes a bracelet she just bought me, a few special rings we bought together, an emblem of out initial love and my wedding ring with a note that says "These belong to you again"; she'll probably see this on Monday.
My plan for the weekend of to work out, ride my motorcycle, re-read the chapters in DR about infidelity and start on a new book the MC recommended when I caled yesterday called "After the Affair". I am going dark and will not contact her or respond to any request to talk. I will tell her she is welcome back in the house on Monday so long as she remains disconnected from the OM but that I don;t want to see her or be around her for awhile. I think that's everything.
My mind is racing this morning but I'm doing OK; hurt but not as bad as 5 weeks ago. I'm not sure what that means and am wondering if it's just time to move on; too early for that decision but the thought is clearly there. She's lied to me for so long, right to my face, that I have no trust in anything she says. This sucks, and I really didn't deserve this. The only good thing right now is I no longer feel responsible for where we are and why the MC has not worked as well as I thought it should have. I feel really good about me personally and am going to continue to focus on me.
Thanks for listening to my rambling, please comment and help me through this. Many thanks.......Mike
If you haven't already done so, print the most damning e-mails and save them off-site (maybe with a friend). Or print them to .pdf and e-mail them to yourself at a web-based (like gmail) e-mail account.
Also, begin to DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. Just do a daily journal; it's therapeutic, you can use it to look back on and see what works and what doesn't, and you can also use it legally if it ever comes to that (and it doesn't have to if you don't want it to).
When you get a moment, please give us some details on your financial arrangement: who-makes-what, what joint funds (and joint credit cards) she has access to, etc. Included in this, can you tell me what things she is spending money on that are enabling her affair: cellphone, make-up, gym membership, lingerie, gifts, etc., and who's been paying for them? I'm going to suggest that you immediately end all financial support that directly enables her adultery.
Puppy
PDT - already secured the emails and the hotel res from Thursday in a secured, private web account. Funny you mentioned the journal, I just picked one up Wednesday to start documenting all the "saving my marriage gems I run across on here". Now it will also be the evidence of the A.
As for financials, I make a good living ($+100k) and she was making ~$55k, plus annual bonuses. We have about $25k in savings and we both have well funded 401K's. We have a joint checking and savings account and we also each have seperate accounts. The majority of our income always went into the joint accounts to pay the bills (and mine still does). We have a Visa and a MC and has already assigned "ownership" as a part of this process so I wasn't surprised when she left me her Visa card (which I cancelled last night) and I have cut up my MC - that's seperate now.
As for spending, she was spending quite a lot on new clothes, nails and shoes in the past few months (now I know why) but also because she has lost about 30 pounds in the past 6 months (now I know why). Since she's lost the job she hasn't spent anything unreasonable and we are living within my means, including her cell bill and all the usual stuff.
As for cutting her off, how can I legally do that since our savings are joint and she has a right to 1/2 of it? I can certainly change my auto deposit on payroll but she'd still have access to some savings.
I came home last night and took down every picture of us in the house, I moved back into the Master BR and moved her stuff into the guest BR. She left me our joint Visa (which I cancelled last night) and built a pile of stuff that includes a bracelet she just bought me, a few special rings we bought together, an emblem of out initial love and my wedding ring with a note that says "These belong to you again"; she'll probably see this on Monday.
I would be interested to hear puppy's input on this, he usually has excellent advice. However, from a woman's perspective, the quote above describes the act(s) of a sullen, petulant child. Certainly, you're justified. I totally feel for you and you have every right to be furious, devastated, untrusting, etc. But if you have any interest at all in working with her to save the marriage, you might want to dismantle your little shrine of pissyness there. It reads as a petty act of vengeance.
The "do nothing for at least twenty-four hours" advice is solid gold. You can't undo the rest of the exposure, etc (which may turn out to be for the best anyhow) -- but this ... fine, you did it. You expressed yourself. Now you might want to undo it before she sees it. Because that part doesn't seem like a strong man taking control. It seems like a hurt little boy hitting back. Which doesn't function in your favor. JMHO.
Hang in there.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
I think it will only come across as "sullen, petulant child" if he acts that way when he sees her again. If he's calm, fairly upbeat and confident, I don't see any real harm in it, although he went farther than I would have (and that's saying something ).
I do like the moving back into your own bedroom, and moving her stuff out.
I do like the shock-and-awe exposure, all at once and without forewarning, and I like how you DID give her another chance before you did anything further that would go scorched-earth.
I do like the immediate financial moves.
Mike, I think you should take the rest of the day today and tomorrow, and see how you feel about all of this by then and maybe pull back a smidge (like with the pictures). I'm personally not seeing "sullen petulant child" as much as I see a little "creepy" factor with how quickly you did all that, but that's just me. For now, I would focus on your financial and legal moves, including setting up an initial consultation with a good family law attorney -- preferably one who specializes in "men's rights" and paternal custody issues. You don't have to DO anything yet, but it's good to know your rights and potential vulnerabilities as soon as possible.
You've got a lot to process here. Be good to yourself, and take your time.
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