Goal 1: To have found a happy fulfilling life Goal 2: To be the best father I can be towards my kids Goal 3: To have my career on track
Yes, those are goals but now you need to break them down into smaller goals so you can execute them. We ALL want to have a happy life. As an INDIVIDUAL what does a happy life look like to you? And what are some immediate steps you can take to begin working towards a happy life as an INDIVIDUAL.
Same with goal 2 - everybody wants to be a good parent. What does being a "good parent" look like to you?
Goal 4: To be in good physical shape
This is a good one to start with as you can start today!
I will make sure I tell the counselor everything
Have you made an outline that really dives into all the issues you must begin to discuss with the counselor yet? If not, make that a goal to be complete by the end of the weekend.
I had dinner with W and kids last night. I filled up W's tire so she could drive. She had a tire going flat and needs to get the tires replaced.
It was thoughtful for you to fill the tires. It was what you would do for any friend. However her getting the tires replaces is HER job so dont offer to get it done for her and dont remind her about it. Her car = her responsibility to get it done and pay for it.
I helped pay for D11 to go to church camp. I think that is important.
Yes, sharing expenses for the children is a part of divorce. However, since you make less you should only be expected to contribute what is on par with your income since your W makes more. If your W makes 25% more in salary than you do then she should be contributing 25% more to the childrens expenses until the two of you have a formal agreement in place.
I know I will get the usual 2x4 for this. But it bothers me that each time I am with W she treats me like an aquaintance. We have been together for 12 years and I am treated like an aquaintance. I never get a hug from her or anything when I see her.
Ok, well, you said it bothers you, let yourself feel that then move on. There is nothing wrong with feeling those things but you dont just feel them and move on, you dwell and let it fester. Sure, it hurts to be treated like just an aquaintance by the person that was once your spouse. But right now, other than co-parents that is all the two of you are. You have not yet accepted your M is over, you are not detached and you are still needy. You also have expectations that are not realistic at this time.
What I see as a major problem is you dont know how to live in the moment. You said you above you had a nice dinner with the W and kids. Instead of just enjoying that and taking it for what it was, a pleasant family dinner, you expected and wanted more. You always jump to the negative and IMO that really prevents you from being in a positive moment.
It really bothered me last night. I thought a while on it. You all keep asking me why I don't let her go. There are a lot of reasons. But honestly one is I don't believe in remarriage except in the case of a S dying. I made a lifetime vow and committment to her. And I feel like I have to honor that no matter what. I honestly don't feel like I can be with someone else.
Nobody is asking you to go against your belief system. But it is possible to detach and let go and still stay true to what you believe. If you really want to honor your W the way you say you want to then why do you keep doing things to her you know she does not like (bringing up R talks, being needy and clingy, pointing out the issues with her mom and so on). To me that is not the way to honor her. Right now the way she wants to be honored is with space and as a mother.
I am glad you feel you cant be with somebody else. You cant even be with yourself yet! And it seems to be you just yearn to fill a void of a romantic R. Fall in love with yourself first, heal on your own and dont rely on anybody else to heal you THEN see where you are at as far as dating goes.
W is now asking me if I can help her out with transportation today while she gets her van fixed. I know I should say no. But it is my job to take care of her regardless of circumstances.
No, it is not your job and this is exactly why I say you are her whipping boy. You filled her tires and that was plenty. Again, your W wants the perks of marriage (having a helpful spouse) without the actual M. Why doesnt she ask one of her boyfriends to give her a ride or one of her friends that she is always our partying with? This is what I want you to see, and yes it does hurt, but your W only leans on you when she needs a favor (rides, babysitting, money for the kids and so on).
I have to disagree "regardless of circumstances". As long as other men are in the picture you have to decide if that is a "circumstance" you are willing to accept. And if you do accept it then be prepared to always be taken advantage of by your W. It is one thing to offer a friendly gesture of putting air in the tire but anything more, sorry, those perks are gone when she decided the M was over.
Your only "job" right now is to improve you, get your W out of your head and be a good dad. The sooner you accept that and jump in, the better off you will be.
Nothing really changes with your W becuase you have not at all changed your stance or the dynmaic of anything. Why is that? Why are you so afraid to do that? I would say to your W (RE: wanting a ride to the tire place)... "Gee W, I would love to help you out but I have plans, hopefully it all works out for you." Let her see that you are not "on call" for her when she needs something and let her get a real good taste of what it will be like for Kevin not to be "on call" for errands or assistance as she needs it.
