Magnificent

[oldtimer]

Mish,

Why won't HE drop this??? Why won't YOU drop this? What happened to only business? Let go, this is getting you nowhere and is self-destructive.

Would you like your H or BF to go mow the grass of his XW? You aren't his romantic partner, he does not treat you like a friend. This continued enmeshment is not good for anyone.

Take care of yourself. Stop talking and bantering with your XH. Separate your lives. Quit trying to figure out him and his motives.

If he texts you something irrelevant, just ignore it, or dismiss it politely-- "Good, thanks."

Right now, you are just as involved in keeping this enmeshment going and keeping yourself wrapped around your own axle as your XH is. Just stop it. You are divorced. Your lives are separate. You aren't going to be buddies. You have a son to co-parent and back child support to collect.

As for XH's comment about taking care of your son, either ignore it or address it directly: "No, you are not taking care of our son. You are not meeting your legal obligations with respect to support and as a result our son is paying the cost of your unemployment."

And, by all means, take managing XH's time and his R with your son off your to do list ALTOGETHER. (Glad to see you backed off the father's day thing.)

[mishka422]

As for XH's comment about taking care of your son, either ignore it or address it directly: "No, you are not taking care of our son. You are not meeting your legal obligations with respect to support and as a result our son is paying the cost of your unemployment."

Excuse me OT, but that would only serve to bring anger into the middle of a situation there is no control of. He knows exactly what he is and is not doing for his son and there is no need for me to remind him of that.

Gabe does these things 'for me' on his own. I don't ask it of him and half the time he shows up and does it without me ever knowing until afterward. He wants to fix my brakes? Sure, why not? He's not paying CS, the least he can do is save me $200 in labor cost to replace 4 brake shoes!

Take care of yourself. Stop talking and bantering with your XH.

I am taking care of myself. Every damn day that's what I do. Stop bantering with him? I bantered with him about our son. That's the business. There is no need for me to be ugly, mean, destructive, or anything other than myself with him. I wouldn't even treat a dire enemy that way, so why would I treat him that way? That would go against my very nature and do nothing but make me feel bad.

I'm just ticked that he jumped from telling me about having Marc's glasses fixed, to making a point that the broom paid for it. What was he trying to accomplish by that? He thinks we should all be friends, NO. You are right in one respect, he is not my friend, won't ever be my friend again. He did far too much damage and a friend wouldn't do that and remain a friend. He is Marc's dad and as such I will treat him with a degree of friendliness. I do that because it makes me feel good. I do that because to treat him with anger and disrespect would only hurt me and possibly do damage to our co-parenting.

[oldtimer]

So, just ignore his comment about XH taking care of Marc. I agree that saying much about it probably wouldn't be productive, but some people can't help themselves, lol.

Regardless of why Gabe does things for you, it really is not good for you to have him involved in your life like that. Why not let him do things for you? It is keeping your lives enmeshed in an unhealthy way. It is keeping you stuck and stressing you out. If you really consider his labor is a service in lieu of child support, then count it formally as such. This would change the dynamic to make it a business matter. Agree on a cost for the service (if it is one you want), say $200, and deduct that from his child support bill. And, if he shows up and does things without your permission, that is really messed up. He should not have that kind of access to your life or your household. You both need to start acting like you are divorced.

However you want to classify it, the kind and level of communication between the two of you is beyond what is required for business and it is clearly not good for you.

As for the glasses, WHO CARES what he was trying to accomplish? It is irrelevant to your life, isn't it? WHO KNOWS anyway? I would have thought he said that his GF paid for them so that you wouldn't think he had money. But, whatever. It really simply does not matter.

You are totally right that treating him with anger or disrespect is not productive. That is one reason why it is better to change your current level of communication. It is making you angry. The anger will out, one way or another, whether you take it out on him or damage yourself by holding it in.

There is nothing mean or unfriendly about being businesslike. Indeed, being businesslike requires politeness, respect, and putting emotions like anger to the side.

Look, I KNOW from where you are, it feels like you've separated your life from his, but from here it is easy to see all the very thick ties that are keeping your lives intertwined.

Suppose that you still harbor a tiny hope of reconcilliation, you may be loathe to break those ties. But, it is precisely in breaking those ties that you will find your best chances for a healthy parenting R or even reconciliation. And, no matter what, moving forward to your own great life means breaking those ties for your own sake.

[dday101798]

mish,

I agree to an extent with what OT is saying.

You do demonstrate a lot of emotion over XH and "the broom" (case in point).

In simpler terms:

I think you haven't let go to some extent and you need to, otherwise it will consume you.

Yes, you have to communicate with him about your son. and that's where it should stay, nothing more, nothing less, and yes hostilities will accomplish nothing, kudos to you for that. In a matter of 5 minutes I can go from a peaceful conversation with XW about the boys to being on tirade because OM has not had the brass to tell me his intent in my kids life. That's all that erks ME in my sitch now, maybe the same for YOU?

Other than that, I don't listen to a darn thing XW says about who does what, I don't care and don't let it consume one fraction of a second of my time. My time is that once again, MY time, she gave it back to me and I'm going to enjoy it to the fullest

[mishka422]

I call her the broom because I don't want to put her name here, not really because I think of her as broomhilda anymore.

OT, he mows the lawn without asking me only because I leave the lawn mower on the front porch (won't currently fit in the garage) so he has open access to it. There have been other things he has done when he comes to pick up Marc and I'm not home also but the lawn is the big one.

I guess I let the comment get to me today just because it came from so far out of left field and seemed like he was saying I don't take care of my son. You are right though, he probably made a point of telling me that his gf paid for it so I wouldn't think he was getting money from somewhere and not paying CS. It is an interesting idea to deduct the $200 labor cost from the CS bill. I hadn't thought of that. How would I broach that subject with him? The funny thing is, I'm sure he hasn't even considered the fact that he is going to owe a LOT of back CS once he gets a job. He probably thinks that he'll just pick up paying it when he starts working and that will be that. I know I'll have to go to court to get it out of him....boy, won't that be a shocker?

There are several days at a time that I go without even having the first thought about Gabe and that makes me really happy. I make plans for myself, I go out with friends, I have a large family that I am with regularly and I'm normally really happy. Last night my group was talking about being thankful. There is a man in our group who lost absolutely everything because he became involved in drugs and went to prison. He lost his family, doesn't see his kids without court supervision, wears an ankle monitor and can only travel in a small radius of his home. Through all of that he has deepened his R with Christ and is thankful for that. He asked how you know that you feel thankful though. How can you be thankful for the circumstances in your life? That opened my heart and mind.....

I'm genuinely thankful that I was dragged to my knees so that I could find my way back to me. I had lost me completely in my M - so much so that I didn't like who I was anymore. My personality had disappeared. I buried myself in order to adapt to what I thought Gabe and everyone around me wanted. No more. I am ME again. Fun, gregarious, kind, open, honest, big-hearted, warm, friendly, sarcastic, stubborn, and BRIGHT!

There you go! That's me! Not sure how I don't see myself enmeshed with Gabe, but I obviously am missing it. I don't ask for it, I don't want him involved in my life, and I don't need him. So, I have to learn to not be friendly and just be businesslike. I don't know how to do that because that is not me. So, how to become........not me when it comes to him?

[MsMelancoly]

Hi mishka, I've been lurking on your thread on & off. Have to say I understand your "business like statement". Not me either.

Not to make it sound like I feel sorry for your XH, because I don't, but it seems to be more about him than you. By that I mean, maybe he told you about the glasses or the bike, to relieve his own guilt & pride about not providing for Marc. (Yes, I know the broom bought those things, so he's really not taking care of Marc on his own). Yet, I'm sure he sees that you are working your *ss off & doing a good job at providing for Marc & holding your own life together.

On another thread someone mentioned about how people mirror what other people feel. So if you're mirroring kindness & seeming to be his friend, then maybe he is mirroring that back. Although, mentioning the broom, seems to strike a cord with you, it would w/me too. I just wouldn't want to hear about her. Maybe, since he's a DAM, he doesn't realize that you don't want to know that much about his life.

Just some thoughts & they seems to be scattering on me, at the moment.

[mishka422]

Thanks Ms M. You could have something there with the mirroring statement. He obviously doesn't get my boundaries though even though I've told him repeatedly what is and is not ok with me. I don't want there to be contention between us in general because it has and effect on Marc.

He does feel guilt about not providing for Marc and he has verbalized that to me. Yes, it still strikes a cord with me when he mentions the broom. Not that she exists, just that he keeps trying to push his agenda of getting me to see her as a kind, wonderful person. Nope, not going to do it, not ever. He doesn't understand that and won't let it go. Frankly, I could care less about her existence as long as she doesn't mess with my son's head. That's the only reason I ever have thought #1 about her. He wants us to be 'friends'!!! Good God! Blech! She is not the type of person I would ever befriend because of her low morals and lack of integrity or honesty. Simple. Personally, I think he wants that because it would assuage his guilt some more if I liked her. Gee, that's just too bad.

The friend I'm taking to the concert tonight has never been to a large scale ocncert before. This should be fun. She says she's not a "concert person". Well, for her first experience she's with me on the floor, 18 rows back, surrounded by screaming fans. This should be quite an interesting nights. We're staying at the hotel attached to the arena so we can do whatever we want, drink whatever we want, and not have to worry about getting home.

I'll tell y'all about it tomorrow night.....HUGS to all of you!

[mishka422]

The concert was FABULOUS! My friend was astounded by the sheer magnitude of the concert and when Keith got within 20 yards of us to stand on some of the seats and perform I thought she was going to pee her pants. I know I nearly did. I'll post some pics in the alt for you all.

It was LOUD & ROCKIN'....just the way I like it!

Had a good laugh last night on our way back to our hotel room. We were in line for the elevators (the hotel is attached to the venue so it's always a madhouse to get back to your room afterward) and apparently the man behind me in line was very tall. He spent his entire time standing there staring down my shirt. I'll admit it was pretty low cut and the girls were pushed up pretty high, but that just cracked us up. I never get that kind of attention. I'm pretty sure the guy was seriously drunk. Oh well.....funny anyway.

We went to breakfast this morning at a really great place in the Virginia Highlands area of Atlanta. It's the hip, artsy area with all the neat little boutiques and small restaurants that attract the best chefs. The place is called Murphy's if you ever get to town...check it out. GREAT FOOD!

[kat727]

Glad that you had a fabulous time! The guy didn't have to be drunk to notice. Do you think maybe, just maybe he thought you were attractive. Besides if the girls are out there...LOL.

kat

[MsMelancoly]

I agree, good to hear you had a fantastic time!!!! Bet it will be something your GF will never forget. Was it fun watching her reactions?? So, the question is ..... did you get any eyeball action??