More silent misery on the part of Mrs. Thinker. We were woken up early by the boys, and she was non-communicative, so I got up with them and we fixed a big weekend breakfast - "oatmeal griddle cakes", eggs, a fruit salad made by the boys. It was a fun, interactive time for me and the boys and they had fun helping.
W stayed in bed showed up late and red-eyed from crying, picked at her food without really making eye contact then left.
We are out as a family now because we committed to do a charity walk-a-thon, but immediately afterwards, W is going to head out to meet BFF/confidant "for coffee". She desperately needs to talk about something to someone other than me.
I'm just focusing on PMA today and not letting it get to me. I'll work some household chores while she is out, then head off myself to run a short practice tri.
Still working my way through "how to win friends and influence people."
Last edited by Thinker; 06/13/0903:34 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
What @aliveandkicking said, based on experience. Nothing has confounded Herself's COA more than to have me sincerely concerned with her well-being and willing to support her in whichever way(s) she's comfortable with.
I'm starting to think it is a crapshoot as to whether they resent the friendiness and feel tethered by it or if it ultimately creates a genuinely safe place.
The limbo is hell for both parties and only time will tell.
Personally, I think it is 100% worth it. The only thing that would have gotten my attention more than H leaving would have been his expressing his loving and unconditional support and desire to help me get through my tough times...
So, option a. cut her off or option b. offer the unconditional love (friendiness)...that is the simplistic breakdown of DB IMHO. How you implement obviously depends on the sitch specifics.
Whenever I see that she is stressed and upset, I ask if everything is OK, and tell her that I am here for her if she needs anything or just wants to talk.
She always answers "I'm OK" and "I don't want to talk"
We went through this routine once last night.
So then I leave her alone.
In the past I have tried other tactics - sometimes to the point of begging her to tell me what was going on. Sometimes under real pressure she opened up a tiny bit and I learned some things that were bothering her - often about me. These, however were always bad experiences because she was not talking willingly.
So she knows I'm here and available.
She just doesn't feel comfortable talking to me.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Only you know Mrs. T well enough to make this judgment, but I wonder whether or not "leaving her alone" is the best course of action...
I would defer to the women reading your thread, but one of the things I've read, and I cannot remember where, is that a woman will often say she's "okay" or that she doesn't want to talk, even IF she really does. It's part of that Venus and Mars "thang"...
They don't, but they do... They want you to pursue. But from a guy's perspective, since we're literal, we say to ourselves "Okay, I asked, she said she's okay, might as go watch the ballgame. She must just want to be alone." What I was reading basically said, you need to ask whether or not she wants to talk about "it" at least 3 or 4 times before you can safely assume that she REALLY doesn't want to talk about it.
The tightrope is demonstrating that you really DO care and want to be there with, in the current state-of-affairs, looking as if you are pressuring or pursuing or, worse yet, looking like the Old Thinker to her. Is there an inbetween (assuming the women on here don't shred the theory to tatters) place you can find... You know, the equivalent of friendiness, maybe in this case, listeniness -- ask several times, see if she opens up or not, and then just listen and validate, but don't try to fix.
Now, I know the dynamics here are much more complicated than this, but it's just what came to mind as I read your last post...
-AlexEN
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
What @aliveandkicking said, based on experience. Nothing has confounded Herself's COA more than to have me sincerely concerned with her well-being and willing to support her in whichever way(s) she's comfortable with.
I have not told her that I would support her in whichever way she wanted to go. I have said that it is her choice, and that she has to live her own life and make her own decisions, but I was also was firm that I would fight for my rights in a D. She has since interpreted this as me becoming an *ss in a D and has said she is afraid of that - ie I am not supportive.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
