Where to start?

[dmkdmkdmk]

I really did enjoy going out to dinner with my friends. My friends are excited that they have me back. I didn't realize that my 'depression' really carried over into the one or two times a month that I hung out with my friends, but I guess it did. We ordered a ton of different sushi rolls and just sat and BSed for hours. It was great.

H didn't spend the night last night, he ended up going back to his apartment when I got home. I think his bed is supposed to be delivered today.

I'm just having one of those days when I'm so angry about everything that I can't even breathe. I don't want to go to my cousin's wedding today. I'm just sitting here crying because I miss my husband/best friend. Because I hate the person that he is today. Because I feel so angry every time my baby moves that I cannot even enjoy this pregnancy at all. Because we were pretty happy less than three months ago - and now it seems like he's rewriting history in order to make it easier for him to not love me.

He got so mad at me last week for venting to friends over email - and one thing that I said that I said I didn't mean at the time - was that he was acting like his "narcissistic b-word mother" because he was prioritizing his happiness over the well-being of his family. You know, I totally meant it. He can discount the effect of his mother's craziness and his parents' crappy marriage on his current outlook as much as he wants, but if he'd had REAL role models (instead of all of his bitter divorced friends) he'd probably be looking at this the same way I am... that every marriage has ups and downs and the feelings ebb and flow... I could have sworn several times throughout my childhood that my parents would split up, but they never did and after 30 years they are happy.

In the time H and I have been together, neither of us ever even slept on the couch until last week.

I know I just need to give it more time... maybe more time for H to see that I'm not going to drop back into hormonal crazy mode.

I did tell him yesterday though - "You're a big boy, you're on your own now. I'm not going to be your errand b---- anymore." (this was said jokingly). But I meant it - I'm going to make sure our joint bills get paid, but everything that is for his "new" life he will have to deal with. He told me that his electric bill was going to be put on the one that is sent to our house, and he figured we'd split everything by half - I told him "No - you pay your bills and half of the house bills." He said "But I can't follow you around now to turn off the lights when you leave the room!" Well, who made that choice?

Oh well. Just venting so that I don't unload on him at all. I don't think I want to talk to him today until later, so I put my phone on vibrate and put it away.

One thought I'm having - how honest should I be about my feelings when we start MC?