Dealing With Ambivalence

[Vigilant1]

Hello, I'm checking in with this dreary update.

This week in therapy Mr. Therapist really went after my wife on the issue of sex. He reiterated to her how important it is to couples, how I have waited for her to respond, and talked about ways for her to get "over the hump" and get involved. Before long, about a half hour, she was in tears because of all the "pressure".

Then she started talking about how ANGRY she is from things that happened 5 years ago or more, and about how she just isn't READY for something like that and how she just needs more TIME.

I feel like she has been withholding sex and affection really almost from the early days of our marriage.
My problem is that I have been waiting 5-6 years for her to start being more sexual again and my patience has really run out. I have been told over and over how when things are better between us, she will OF COURSE feel more sexual. "Maybe later.." but later never comes. Deep down I believe that I have been (and am being) played. Now, even though she has been asked by the therapist and myself to try to be more responsive and less withdrawn and indifferent she is either unable or unwilling to do it. In fact, her demonstrated affection is down a lot from what she was able to do last month.

I am feeling WAAAYYY better about myself, and I have a lot of good things going on in my life. People that I barely even know are more affectionate to me than my wife is. My sister shows more affection to me than my wife. I just feel so bad about this long-term SSM that I now just want relief from the "pressure" of it myself.

So have I reached ultimatum time? I am about 5 months into the recovery effort, and we have been in financially ruinous marriage counseling for 4 of those months. I have been working hard on myself, my wife has really done nothing but show up to therapy sessions. Overall, I would say that the biggest problem is that my wife is exceedingly angry. She is so angry that you might think that I cheated on her multiple times with a harem of women. But I never did anything nearly that bad, and I have been faithful and loyal.

What I have learned about myself is that being in this relationship, the way it is, is very destructive to my spirit. I have learned how much I value being close to a woman, and that it's not all about sex, not even close. Having sex and affection withheld year after year really destroyed my self confidence and self esteem, and has made me feel lonelier than I have ever felt in my life. Now that I have built myself back up I am ready for a more satisfying life on my own, which would be far better than being married to this withdrawn woman.

I want this to work out and have worked extremely hard to recover the marriage to this point, but I feel like I'm the only one trying, and that her anger is compromising my efforts.