Wow, it's shocking how similar our situations are, or I should say were. My W moved out five months ago, is still pursuing OM, and unless something drastic changes, we're on a path to D.
When I found out about my W's EA six months ago, my W was acting almost exactly like yours is now. I tried to make myself be the better option compared to OM, but it was a lost cause. She was completely emotionally vested in the OM, and nothing I did really mattered any more. We would have a great time playing with kids, hanging out and talking for the evening, then she would claim to be tired and go to bed in the guest room, take out her computer and exchange e-mails with OM complaining about her life and M, and pump him up about how exciting he was. I didn't know that at the time of course. I would be thinking, "How can OM compete with us having such a great time?" In reality, she was just using me to amuse herself and keep her company until she could hook up with OM. She would even still ask me to do favors for her. She must have been thinking I was such a chump.
It wasn't obvious to me, but she really had lost all respect for me, or at least convinced herself of that to justify her actions. Sure sounds like you are in the same situation. I agree totally with Astimegoeson. Make plans and go out without her. If she asks what you're doing, just act vague and say "Just going out for a while." If she calls or texts while you're out, don't answer or reply. Make it clear YOU DON'T NEED HER, and that your life will go on just fine no matter what she does with her silly EA. Don't think you are pushing her away. She's already gone. This is the way to maybe, just maybe, draw her back. At least she might respect you again.
I think if I had found out about EA earlier and really did what I recommend above, things might have worked out different for me. I know trying to make myself look good compared to OM was like smashing myself against a brick wall. I know whenever I stood up for myself and made it clear what the conseequences of her actions were going to be, she backed down and started acting much better toward me. Unfortunately I didn't do that from the beginning and stick with it. Check out the book "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson. It describes exactly what I'm talking about. I wish I had read that book six months ago.
