Ok, one realization today. Why I am not so pre-occupied with whether or not H has strayed sexually (we're at about 99.9% that he did)...
I know it is not about me. He is insecure, he felt rejected in M and he is feeding his ego and dealing with his own stuff.
This does not make it ok and I am not sure I can stay married under these circumstances, BUT, I just can't make it THE main issue. It is only ego, worrying about what others think, my insecurities that really bring me down with regard to possible sexual encounters.
The thing of course that does torment me is the emotional relationship he may/has formed with another woman. That is just unbearable. Not insurmountable but very painful.
I am tapping in a little to what I bring to this R that is so unique, my "leverage"...for better it worse, it helps to get clear on what he is losing; the flip side of that is clarity on what I have to offer and what my good qualities are.
I have tremendous insecurity about my lack of accomplishments beside motherhood. I do feel I am as valuable as any one else and I have so much to offer but I hate feeling like I have to prove something. I need to be soooo busy and do a million things or be a success...I want to stay balanced with the GAL etc. So many times I have a night out while H is here with kids and I just want to be home writing or reading or something mellow. Most of my friends are moms with kids to care for or out with Hs on their nights off. I don't want to hit the scene with a bunch of single women... I'd be fine in a place like Normandy, writing, drinking a little wine, watching the kids run around and of course a little making love to H in the moonlight after the kids go to sleep...nice, right?
