After the kids were born, we stopped referring to each other as H and W. We became "Mom and Dad". That is one thing that I think helped the OM get in with my W. He saw her as an individual woman where I started seeing her as Mom and associated all the domestic things that went along with that title to her.
Any thoughts on what makes a woman feel like a WOMAN?
Oooooohhhhhh........Stuck!!!! Please tell me you did not call her "mom" and she did not call you "dad". That is a horrible habit that some couples get into and it causes the romantic department to suffer, IMHO. She is not your mother and you sure don't need to see her in that light. I know you may not be saying this at all. But even thinking of each other as "parents", and as you said....in domestic things all the time is not healthy b/c it ruins something special.....like the sexual appetite.....I would think. At least I think it does for a woman. She is mother to her kids and she doesn't want to feel like a mother to the man she has sex with. She want to be seen and talked to and treated and thought about as an individual, sexy, desirable, beautiful woman. No wonder she turned to another man who showed her that kind of attention! Even with her loving you and being a devoted mother, etc., she still has that need of what I described to be fulfilled.....if not by you....then somebody else. If only couples would see this and not fall into that "trap" of everything being all about the kids and not keeping their own personal R fresh and sexual.
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I had a quick question. When you were sorting out your own thoughts coming out of the fog and the high of the OM, aside from space, was there anything else your H did that you appreciated?
I knew he was really struggling during that time. He was quiet and I could tell he was in pain. He did not have the DR tools to work with and did not know how to handle the stitch. It was when he decided he could not force me to love him....or stay with him....that he begin to back off and stop putting pressure on me. But there were other things that he did also.
One important thing he did was to try to act as normal as he could (under the circumstances) and go about doing what he normally would have done.....apart from trying to show physical affection to me. He knew I was nowhere ready for him to be touching me.
Another thing he did was when I tried to make small talk or important talk, he would look me in my eyes and listen and nod his head and let me know that what I was saying was important. Always before, he would not take his eyes off the TV and I felt he never paid any attention to what I had to say.
As you know, I have some health problems and there were several times he would bring my supper tray or something to drink.....and I knew he was not trying to "win" me over.....he was being kind and helping me b/c he knew I was not feeling well. I could always tell the difference.
He never complained about me not wanting to do anything. I didn't want to go anywhere and usually did not feel like doing anything to the house or cooking or any of the other things I used to do. The combination of being sick and going through the withdrawal of the EA was bad, but he put no pressure on me whatsoever. He was kind, but not pushy.
When I look back now and realize how awful it must have been on him......you can't imagine how terrible it makes me feel. And the thoughts of the OM.......it makes me ill now. I still can't believe I did what I did! That was not me! So, there is hope that your wife will pull out of it but it won't be quickly. The fact that she is able to lie on the same bed with you and watch TV is beyound what I could do when I was going through my stuff. Some women can and others can't. As long as she is moving her hand when you barely brush up against it......that is a clear sign she is not ready for your touch at all.
My advice it to stop calling her anything but her name. Don't refer to her as "mom" and sure don't call her any endearments. Just call her by her name. In time, maybe you can call her a pet name, but just don't make it "Mom".
Talk at ya later, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
