"Forrest! My head is spinning. I need straight answers."
OK.
"I get that I need to show with actions the changes."
You need to show with actions that the changes are lasting.
You do this simply by changing. Maybe you don't know where you will change.. but it is a process and if you really put "yourself" into it.. it will happen.
"I need to continue moving forward & not looking back."
You will always look back. You need to look back with a "clear" mind.
"I don't know how I can lead this stitch to a better place w/o sacrificing myself."
This is where you "Re-Think" things. If you find yourself going the wrong way.. life will clue you in. Again a big part of this is getting the "big picture". You will still get things wrong. The hope is you recover quicker.
"This was H's words about himself"
In the big picture.. he is trying to find his-self. Just like you. If you can "see" that.. then you can act correctly.
"Here's the hard part...H LIKED the qualities in me when we met that he DOESN'T like now."
As we grow up.. we find the things we liked.. can be overwhelming at times. Lets take money as an example. We all like that. But if you look around at people that have lots of money.. are they really happy? How many stories are there that involve someone winning the lottery.. and 10-15 years down the road.. wishing they had never won.
I like music. All kinds. Cause they tell stories. To a point it shows that the artists go thru the same things that me and you go thru. Now most artists don't write their own songs. They have writers. But they (artists) do pick things that hit close to home.
"Here's the hard part...H LIKED the qualities in me when we met that he DOESN'T like now. He liked that fact that I was brutally honest, he liked that I didn't pull any punches, he liked that I was a strong, assertive woman."
And you thought it was the looks. We (men) all want a strong woman. But we don't want you to be.. too strong.
"I think I have relaxed on all that stuff over the years and have been told the same thing by many people I am close with even before this happened. I have had H's mother tell me this past Xmas - you have become so friendly over the years. I have had other friends say - you have really changed and grown in your faith over the years, you used to be way more "I don't care what anybody thinks, I'm going to say what I feel" & now you have really toned things down as you've matured."
What you will find is that most likely you have softened.. to the outside world. But not so much to the world you hold close. I say this simply because that is what I have learned from all this. We tend to project onto those that are close.. cause they should know us. They should have hard skin. It begins to wear on them. That is why they blame us.
"Who in their "right" mind decides 14 years into a R that they were never able to act the way they wanted to, never said anything to their spouse about it & now holds their spouse responsible & spews off all this hatred making me feel like I am SATAN?"
Well.. to be honest.. you have to define the word "right". I "" it in your statement so it would be clear. When things "fail" who will you blame? The ones closest to you... or the guy standing at the corner?
"I am trying to think outside the box, but I need HELP!!!"
We all need HELP!!!
We want the "answer". I can't give you that. I can distract you and hope you gain something from it.
#1.. Find things that pull your mind out of this situation.
#2.. Only have R conversations that he starts (Even in MC). When you talk make sure that you respond only with "you" references.
Ex....
Him: You don't understand me.. you are always fighting me.
You: I want to understand. I get mixed messages and it is hard for me to understand you.
#3.. Don't worry so much about screwing up. It will happen.
#4.. Put a smile on your face.. even if its fake.
Then start back at #1
That is the 4 points of your box.
He will engage you.. he will make you think you screwed up.
To a point you can post some possible things you may run into and I will do my best to answer them.
When/if he leaves.. things change and we need to re-think.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
