Do things that make YOU happy. IE GAL. Go for a walk and smell the roses by yourself. Hang out with friends. DO NOT PUT YOUR HAPPINESS INTO SOMEONE ELSE'S HANDS........
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
...You're getting great advice here, so I have nothing to add, other than to please be careful and CONFIRM (independently) that there's no contact going on. Because none of the above is going to work if she's emotionally shut off to you, and she WILL be emotionally shut off if she's still in contact...Peace,
Puppy
Great advice, but how can i confirm independently. I don't know her email password and her Blackberry is always locked (as is mine). Plus, I don't want to snoop - how can I confirm without violating her privacy? Any suggestions appreciated......Mike
If you're not willing to snoop, then you've answered your own question. "Privacy" is closing the bathroom door when you need to go potty. "Keeping secrets" is another matter, and keeping secrets from each other has no place in a marriage, and there is nothing wrong with independently confirming whether or not a predator is messing with your family.
So, keyloggers in the future apparently? Didn;t want to go down that road but maybe I need to for my own peace of mind. Thx......Mike
It's entirely up to you, Mike. It's either a dealbreaker for you or it's not, but it always amazes me that LBSs care enough about the answer to go ahead and ask their possibly cheating spouse, but don't bother to verify it independently. Because I can ASSURE you, with 100% certainty, if a spouse IS cheating, they WILL lie to you about it. Period.
Quick update. We scheduled time last night to do a reflective talking exercise and it went well; I'm getting better at really listening without reaction. We both shared our thoughts and concerns and that led to good follow on conversation. When I asked why she never initiated the reflective discussions she said that they seemed to mostly address past issues and we've covered all that recently (privately and in counseling). She felt that I now understood how I had hurt her and that she didn't feel the need to rehash the past again and again. She also said that we have both been addressing conflicts as they happen and dealing with them immediately, effectively, so there was nothing "new" to be worried or complain about. She went on to say my transformation has been amazing and she is very proud of me but she can't believe it's real yet; it's way too soon. She asked for time to get past her issues and start to trust me again.
She also pointed out that she has made several small steps towards me (much friendlier, more time together with family, having more fun together) and she felt these were good things and gave her hope for us. Again, no promises, but we are making good progress and she was happy with me and with the way we were interacting now. I have just to keep doing the work, making the changes permanent and be a better man and that's the best i can hope for.
It's hard to accept that she might never open her heart up to me again (but I do accept that possibility) because I've worked so hard to become the right man. Regardless, I know that even if we can't come to a happy resolution I'll be a happier, more capable person and partner; I just hope that I can be that for her.
On my end, I communicated my concerns that I remain frustrated that my many attempts to engage her as an activity partner over the years were never successful and it's important for me to have that in my life, that it's one of the ways I feel connected to my partner. When we were first dating and married we did a lot of ballroom dancing but that died after 1.5 years and we've never replaced that communal activity with something else and I miss it; I need it.
I also talked about my concerns regarding our intimacy mismatch and we had a long talk about each persons perspective on how we got there, what we need to feel that, and that she is committed to looking at hormone therapy to try and enhance this issue. I can clearly see now that I did not give her the sort of emotional connectedness and friendship that she needs to want to ML and I'm working on that every day. She's agreed to read the 5 Love Languages and discuss her needs in detail, so that really helps.
Counseling again today, and the counselor indicated that we were ready for the next step and a new challenge so I'm really interested to see what's in store for us today.
Thanks again for listening and for the suggestions; I'm definitely making plans to expand my GAL and give her even more space at home. I'm also looking hard at PDT's suggestion. Hope you are all having a good day.......Mike
Ok, the sh*t has hit the fan and I could use some help. I ended up taking PDT's advice and invested in "tools" to monitor our computers and found out today that my wife has been having an affair with an OM for at least 4 months, spent 2 hours at a hotel 1 block from our house yesterday and, when confronted with the evidence, denied, lied and eventually admitted to everything expect "physical intimacy", and I do not believe her.
We have been in MC for 5 weeks and, long story short, she has been lying to me and the C everyday for the past 5 weeks. She let me believe the affair was with another person, she assured me that it was over and that it was only ever with this "wrong" guy and that she had cut off all contact. The truth is that she has continued to talk (probably more) with the "real" guy for all of the past 5 weeks, I'm positive she met him at the hotel yesterday and they have spent many months traveling for business these past 6 months and her boss confirmed for me that she was certain they stayed together during those travels (she was fired for fraternization 5 weeks ago).
I'm hurt, certainly, but I'm more surprised to know the truth because I would have stood by my W's side and argued that she was a moral, ethical person and would NEVER cheat because she had been cheated on in a past relationship and she knows the pain that causes. What a dope I am; somebody else has been doing things with my wife she has refused me for months and months. At this point, she still will not be honest about what happened and is out of the house for a few days (with D). I was crushed 5 weeks ago when I thought she was having an EA and I'm surprised how I feel right now; I'm disappointed but a part of me really doesn't give a sh*t and just wants to move on. I've worked so hard since "the bomb" to improve my life, my health, my mental state (AD's have really helped me!) and my fitness that I'm pretty happy with every part of my life but my marriage, and now that appears to be in the dumps.
I don't know if I should even try any more, I certainly don't trust her and she is still denying a PA ever happened but there are WAY too many signs and confirmation from her old boss about her business travels and recorded phone calls with the OM. I didn't focus in the section on affairs in DR because I didn;t think it applied; do I go dark now, cut her off, cut her out? I can't see even talking without full disclosure and she isn't willing to admit to a PA - how is there a road forward (assuming I even want to try)?
I do want to give a great big THANK YOU to PDT for your repeated suggestions to "trust but verify"; you were 100% right man! Thanks for being there for me and pushing; I'd never know the truth without your help and would still be wondering why the MC wasn't working. For anyone reading this and wondering the same thing - "trust but verify". Any help and suggestions are greatly appreciated......Mike
