There is a saying in the Bible that if one is to find life, he must first lose it. It seems like this journey of reconciliation is about two things - learning to save yourself by GAL and learning to die to self - to love unconditionally even when you are hurting. To deny your emotions and do what is necessary to make the other person happy. Only then can you really free yourself to enjoy the ultimate emotions of joy, happiness, excitement, etc.
Sorry for speaking in such vague generalities. Right now I am hurting really bad and I am finding myself once again having to come to that place of unconditional love and surrender. Today is my W's best friend birthday. She, a girl friend of hers, our daughter and her best friend went out to eat. For those that haven't read all my story - her best friend is a guy who she brought a house with shortly after we divorce. He doesn't like me at all and after what I put my family through - I can't blame him. So of course I wasn't invited to the dinner.
When my W was driving home, she called and told me how the dinner went. I made the comment about how her girl friend got to go but I didn't. I said that in a playful way - but she got very upset and told me that she is tired of me making comments like that. I told her that I didn't mean anything of it and that I was really trying to just express how much I miss her. She got real cold towards me. I got on the defensive and told her that I love her and that I wish she would give me the benefit of the doubt rather than suggest that I was trying to make some bitter comment about her friend. I told her that I understand why she doesn't trust me but that I am trying to do everything I can to make our relationship work. She then brought up how I left the marriage and that all this mess was my fault. She then hung up and hasn't call me since. I called her back and left a message - apologizing and telling her I understand why she felt that way.
Right now I just feel like crap. I understand why my W would feel that I am belittling her best friend. I honestly had no intention, but she kept bringing up the past, how I would make comments about her friend while we were married. The truth is, it does bother me somewhat and I do my best to keep that inside of me. It really hurts, but the reality is that her best friend was more of a father to our daughter than I was for the first 2-3 years of our daughter's life. I am trying my hardest to make things right and it hurts so much to know that I screwed up our marriage. I am glad that we are trying to make it work out, but I know that she is still hurting from what I did and that little comments like the one I made are a sensitive topic that brings up a lot of bad memories. I am crying so much right now. She told me that I need to stop being so pushy and that I will never be allowed to go out with her best friend and her together. Ironically, her best friend treats her like crap and they are always arguing. Her best friend the other day was drunk and started to tell my daughter that I was a loser, gay and other mean comments. He really hates my guts - especially since he cannot afford the house on his own and will most likely have to sell it. The other day she and him got into a huge argument and my W and D ended up staying at my place for the weekend (which was really nice, since it was the first time since the divorce where I got to hold her while we sleep).
The thing is that tonight my W made me feel like I didn't care about her and nothing could be farther from the truth. She told me that I was still the same person that left and I got defensive. I told her that I have sacrificed and done everything I can to try to make things right. That what else does she want me to do to prove to her that I am not the same person.
In retrospective, I should have recognized that any comments about her best friend should be kept to myself and that I should avoid "DEER" (defend, excuse, explain and rationalized). This is also a wake up call that I must be more patience. She has a lot of healing to go through and I need to understand that trust is going to take time to rebuild. I also need to take better care of myself - to keep doing those things that got us reconciled in the first place. I must admit that I have slacked on some of my DB principles - something which must never stop - especially after we get married. I haven't exercised in about almost 2 months and haven't really focused on what I can do to make myself a better person. Ah, what a paradox - to save the marriage you must first save yourself.
I cannot tell you how much I felt like giving up tonight. But I am never letting go. This just shows that I have a lot of work to do on myself and need to be more sensitive to my wife's feelings - to be a better listener without getting defensive or trying to turn the tables around.
That said, tonight is going to be a crappy night. Tomorrow I am going with my W to visit her brother. My W wants me to give her brother some tax advice.
FaithfulH, I can sure use your words of wisdom right now. Breton39, hope you are doing well. Thanks again to everyone else who has helped and continue to help me get through all this.
