I agree with you Puppy to some extent...it is B.S. But I also know that what's best for D3 as well as myself is for W to get the help she needs to get past her issues and to be happy. No matter what happens in the divorce D3 will still have W in some form in her life and she will ultimately be one of her role models. I would hope for the sake of that for W to come to terms with everything and turn out to be a positive one rather than a negative one.
Ok...time for an update. Today W and I met with the mediator to start the divorce paperwork. He explained everything to us and then started asking us some background questions about how we met...how long we were together...the usual. He gets to the question of how did we end up where we are today (meaning getting divorced). I defer that to W as she is the one screaming for one. She does exactly what she did in MC...she shuts down, starts balling her eyes out, and finally gets irritated and says what does it matter I just want to be divorced. I don't want to be married. So the mediator calms her down some and sends her out to talk to me alone. He asks me if I know what is up and I told him that that was her response every time she has been asked that question. I told him I suspect that we ended up here because she was an alcoholic before and she started up drinking again when she went to culinary school and started hanging out with her single drink every night friends. He then sent me out and talked to W for about 15 mins alone. He calls me back in and says that W no longer wants to pursue a divorce but a legal separation. He explains what it is here and in reality it is the exact same procedure, paperwork and everything as a divorce except if she needed to be on my insurance or something (which she doesn't) she can be. We then talked about living situations and she said she was going to move in with her friend until she could save enough to get her own place. That led to a discussion with all of us on whether that was the best thing for D3 (it's not) and then if i would put down the deposit for her place so she wouldn't have to live with the friend. I agreed to that because it is the best thing for D3. I know it's giving up a lot but it really is best. We have to go back next week for another session. Between now and then we have to gather all the financial information and asset stuff together to present. Because of the short length of the marriage W will not get spousal support and because I pay for D3's school and insurance child support will only be something like about $100/month. Am I confused by this whole turn of events....definitely. I can't see where she benefits at all by this. Once the separation paperwork is filed either one of us could have it turned into a divorce by filling out one piece of paper. She doesn't gain anything really and loses her power in the situation she has always had by threatening to divorce me since in reality it will be totally like we are divorced. All the assets will be split. She will be in her own place. Parenting plan and visitation will be in place. Am I missing something here?
No; you're just thinking logically. Heck, even ADJUSTED women ain't the most logical creatures God put on this Earth. Wayward ones are puuuuure fog, man.
I guess. I guess I should just take it for what it is and not try to think too much about it but it has really thrown me for a little bit of a loop. For someone who was screaming for a divorce and has thrown out moving in with this guy on multiple occasions now she is doing neither!?!?! Huh? When did I sign up for this soap opera???
This new development has got me thinking about something W said when this whole thing started. She said that she needed to get out and prove that she could survive on her own. That she could take care of herself and D3. Only then would she be able to think about working on the relationship. So is this her way of doing it? Her way of proving that she can without totally kicking me to the curb? Sucks either way but still....
Just some more to ponder. Here is a text conversation we had Thursday morning.
W: I guess it's best we don't actually speak right now. But I think we should if we're going to the mediator tomorrow morning. I have to work at 2:30 today. Do you want me to call im?
Me: I have a counseling appt. downtown at noon so if you want to talk you can come to the appt. with me or we can meet for lunch after that. No need for you to call in.
W: I'm with D3 right now. Do you think we can talk after I get off work?
Me: Yeah we can do that. Hope you guys are having a fun day.
W: Just trying my hardest not to break down in front of her and act as normal as possible. Can you pay the mediator tomorrow and I pay you Monday when I get paid?
Me: Yes, that'll be fine.
W: I have to ask but you obviously don't have to answer. Have you sought the companionship of another woman?
Me: No. I know I could but honestly that's just not where I'm at right now. You don't have to answer this either but how is your love life right now?
W: My love life is nothing without you. As much as I want to tell myself I don't love you, a huge part of me does and always will. Too much has been said and too much hurt caused for me to go back on anything now.
Me: It's never too late. Words are just words and hurt can be healed.
W: I'm just not ready for that. Everything is just so fresh.
Needless to say....I was a little confused by the conversation but think I held it together pretty well.
Hi dcsquared, Don't know all your sitch, but sounds like you are handling yourself quite well. Good job!!
2 things that struck me in your posts. 1. My XH said the same thing when he left, wanted to make it on his own (ie paying off his debts). Never happened. 2. After we got D he said 1st (which he hadn't in 2 years) that he loved me & would always love me. Strange isn't it?
I think guilt & what society expects plays a big role in all of this. Society expects that if there's an A or EA it equals D. Or if a S leaves for a year or 2 it equals D. We all make mistakes, but can we learn & grow from them together - sometimes.?. My XH even mentioned once working on our M or R after D!!! Maybe that's the only way a WAS in the fog, can let their guilt go & move forward. Others here have proven, you can have a new M, without getting D & then remarrying again.
Don't know. Keep your PMA going!!!
Me39, XH45 Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats Divorced 6/4/09 Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
