WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 10

[confusedinpa]

Is there any reason why you called her?

I'm sure I was able to "rationalize" it to myself this morning about calling her - ranging from "strategic" to see what she may let slip about contacting her lawyer to "if she was just a friend and we had a conversation like last nite what would I do" to "I so just wanted to talk to her". None are really good reasons, nor call I recall what was the reason that really pushed me to calling. It was against all "normal" judgement to call. So I'm not going to try and justify why.

I started the call by asking how she was doing with work. That was one of the things she had really been stressing about yesterday, and she spent a lot of time venting about it when we went to pick up my 7 year old to get his cast removed.

What I thought was really odd, that after a few minutes, I started to say that I was about to get off the call, when she interupted and said that she still had to finish getting ready for work.

I just saiid "Bye", in a very upbeat positive manner, like I would have for any other friend.

Then I had the barrage of text messages/pics about 5 minutes of hanging up.

Then tonite, around the time she would be leaving work, I got a call from her, but when I picked up, there was no answer. I tried to call her back, but it went right to voice mail. I then got a voice mail that just had her going "Hello, hello?". So I sent her a text just saying I saw she called, what's up?

She called me back about some car question. I thought very weird. So I answered it like I would with a friend and just said bye.

I was tempted to call her during the day as yesterday she had pointed out that a circus was in town Fri & Sat. I told her that I was planning to take the boys to the races on Sat as my buddy was driving in one. She asked for some details about it, which I answered, but I didn't invite her (she was never into racing before, so I didn't want waste my breathe).

I had thought about asking if she wanted to go to the circus with the boys and I tonite, but decided against it (I know - finally, the right move). My youngest had asked about playing baseball and my oldest had just gotten his cast off, so I thought it would be good if the three of us just got to enjoy our time doing stuff our home, rather than just taking them places all the time.

The sad part of tonite, was when we were in the shed, my 7 year old saw his "old bike" (it had training wheels) and said that he hoped that when we found our new home, that it was in a development so his little brother would have space to learn to ride the bike. I could see he was really sad about it so I just told him that we will find someplace great and we will pick it out together as we start a new adventure. He then said that he didn't want to talk about it anymore as it was making him sad.

I gave him a minute and got down my knees to get to his level and said that I understand being sad, but we will find a place together, the three of us, so that will be really exciting. He was stil sad so I just gave him a hug and kiss and went back to playing basketball.

My 3 year old asked what we were talking about and before I could say anything, my 7 year old said that we were running out of money so we had to sell the house, but daddy will do everything he can. My 3 year old didn't understand (no big surprise) so I just changed the subject by giving them chalk to draw on the driveway with.

My 7 year old then wrote on the driveway "Dad is the best dad in the world".

That reminded me why I was fighting to save the marriage. I took a picture of what he wrote with him and his brother sitting next to it.

Either way I know I will survive this madness a better person and build my closeness with my boys. Whether I will still be married to my wife or not is the question.