I see the date that you first Registered. Was that when you were trying to save your first M?
yes it was. my XW was a WAW and i prolonged the M by 18 months from the day she announce she wanted a D by DB'ing. but it still failed. It was a learning experience and my relationships have been better since. but i've never experience codependency before. it's strange and i'm just now figuring out this week how i/we got there
i'm glad you and PDT took the time to post here. i've read many of your posts in other areas and value both of your opinions.
first marriage i had a PA that lasted 3 months. i woke up from lala land and realized i wanted to try. i had a drinking problem at the time and actually went sober the entire length of the remainder of the M. Tried DB, but it ended in D (obviously). she changed and wanted to just escape the situation and never forgave me until about 3.5 years after the D, when we sat down and spoke during my final alimony payment.
went tanning yesterday. started painting the living room at home. blah, it's so hard to keep my mind straight right now...
gonna finish painting right now. forgot my cell phones at work, and in a way it's good i guess. i don't have to check to see if i missed any calls. i prolly should start "forgetting" them there on a regular basis.
i had a sort of epiphany this morning before bed and then today when i woke up. I love my W and i will be the best man i can be for her, whether she is here with me or not. I will show her love by taking care of myself, the house, my life... even if that means she never comes back.
It's been over two days since i've heard from her. she's supposed to come tomorrow and pick up her stuff she left behind. at first i was apprehensive/nervous about seeing her. Now, i give her in reality about a 3% chance of even showing up, but if she doesn't, it just gives me more time to work on me. I'm confident she will call me again someday or stop over. The longer it takes, i'll be in a better sitch mentally and physically when she finally does.
i know she loves me and still cares. she just wasn't happy in the sitch she was in at the time.
Thank you Lord for giving me strength when i need it most.
I love my W and i will be the best man i can be for her, whether sheis here with me or not. I will show herlove by taking care of myself, the house, my life... even if that means shenever comes back.
You don't do this for HER. You do this for YOU. In working on YOU, if she finds she is attracted to "the new you," then so much the better, but you DON'T do these things while looking over your shoulder all the while, hoping she's noticing.
Does that make sense?
That's the first thing I wanted to say. The second thing was, if she DOES show up, what do you plan on saying/doing about the affair she's obviously having? Do you have any boundaries you plan on communicating, or are you just going to ignore it?
I do think she loves you. I just think she's morally WEAK in this area, and I think you enable that in a lot of ways, which shows her weakness, which makes you less attractive, and then it feeds on itself. That doesn't make her infidelity YOUR FAULT -- that's her poor choice alone -- but it does mean you have a role in the marital dynamic which maybe enables it.
Does that make any sense?
I like the GAL stuff you're doing, don't get me wrong. Just make sure you're doing it for YOU, and not because you're hoping she notices. What time is she supposed to come by tomorrow? I'd strongly suggest that you not be there.
if she comes it would be after supper i suppose. she would be driving 2.5 hours just to come here.
i've still been watching her phone records, and SHE still hasn't contacted OM since tues. OM texteed her once yesterday afternoon but she didn't reply back. i'm not sure what she's doing, but there is new numbers everyday on her phone that i don't recognize. which is whatever. but i don't OM from last year is in the picture, i think she reached out in desperation on tues and in mid stretch realized that's not what she wanted.
it's not that i'm hoping she notices, it's if she ever comes back i can present the best parts of me 100% of the time
I love my W. PDT, THANK YOU so much. Between her leaving and your constant beating me up along side the head with how codependent i am, i think i've just had an awakening. i am literally on some type of natural high right now. Here's why.
when i got to work tonight i quickly got depressed, after having what i thought was a fairly decent 2.5 days without hearing from my W. Seeing other people with their S or SO, just made me think what i was missing. It's been exactly one week now since she left.
When i got home from work tonight, i gave the living room another coat of paint. I then made myself some coffee and began researching codependency further online, and reading how it starts, where it comes from, and ways to begin to set "boundaries." this whole idea of boundaries was foriegn to me before, at least not in a positive & assertive way. After reading about setting boundaries, i read more on ways to undo codependency and examples of steps to actually take.
Finally, after realizing I AM in control of my happiness, it was like this fog of depression just melted away. I'm actually happy that my W left now, and this is probably the best thing that ever happened to me AND US.
I no longer believe I NEED my W, as i had in the past. I want my W, but now understand i didn't need her to make me happy as I had believed previously. I'm excited about life! This is crazy. I love my W and want her to come home at some point in time. Whether it is tomorrow, next year, or ten years from now. But in the meantime, I am going to do what makes me happy. Here's what i have in store for myself:
Go for more walks - I get to think so much clearer about life, myself, and God when I'm outside with nature, especially at night.
Get my butt back in the gym - I used to compete in powerlifting and actually hosted powerlifting meets for my state. I am getting back into lifting - Strong body = strong mind!
start eating better and improve my cooking skills - i've cooked for myself during single stages of my life, but routinely ate the same thing. i'm buying a cookbook and trying out some crazy stuff - will also help my lifting.
Practice daily affirmations. I found this tonight while researching codependency and i love this idea. i wrote down good qualities about myself and started reciting "I am a good x, y ,z, etc" and felt better almost immediately.
Continue down this road of self improvement and learning. it's a trait i do take pride in, the love of learning, and this sitch gives me even more time to do it.
