In Utter Agony...Long 1st Post

[25yearsmlc]

A/K,
don't you just love math?

Seriously, EO/AK my little "mantras" helped ME to stay on message, so for me, to get me thru those rough times I needed my "sound bites". It was too easy to stay mired in the anger and that prevents us from feeling close, let alone reconciling. These things helped me Stay on message & THAT helped me get somewhere in the forgivness department.

EO, I found also that if I were contemplating something to do or say to H, I'd ask hard questions of myself FIRST about my TRUE motivation for it. If I found myself saying "well it'll Teach him a lesson" or "not my problem if it Shows h the consequences of his actions" I STOPPED IN MY TRACKS b/c that is NOT OUR JOB TO DO. It's God's, or Life's.

As my db coach said, "Life will show them the consequences of their actions" without us pointing to them with barely hidden glee ("See? I told you!")...been there, done that. If you are not coming from a place of love, you won't get far anyhow.

Setting healthy boundaries are important and it can be hard as he&% to know the diff between that and being prideful or punitive, but try to consider it. It's a fine line at times but it's also very easy to be painted as vindictive and that fuels their negatives and if it's also a tad true...it's a lot worse.

Most important, You won't be happy either. There were times my anger was consuming ME, ruining MY life, (not h's), and taking my focus off my children. I was not fully present for them b/c I was too pre-occupied with my pain or fuming or "Seeking justice" or the latest wrong h had done...etc. So I had to lose the anger FOR ME and my kids. Not h.. H didn't even have to know it, and it's not like I said "hey I forgive you" or "you're off the hook, all is well".

As for God, and how He gets thrown in the mess often wrongly being misused, let yourself model LOVE and FORGIVENESS which is, first off, the real message of His, and 2nd, a heck of a lot more likely to get a spouse back. If your h thinks you'll never get over it (as he has said to you) then he won't come back, PERIOD. No one wants to stay in hell for long. Even one they created....b/c they want absolution and freedom at some point they want their dang debt paid off. Plus you admit you own some stuff too.
I just don't know ANY WAS's who came back to their gamilies and stayed, out of guilt or shame. EVER. A Russian author once said, "when men feel guilt, they attack..." and that struck me as very insightful.

What does NOT forgiving cost? Example--Where I grew up we had a neighbor with an Army Colonel dad and educated stay at home mom. The dad had been a POW for 5 years and was a pretty cool guy. Definitely a role model hero type. But we ALL knew he had had an A...why? b/c His wife made sure we ALL knew of HER pain and suffering and yes it had been over for at least 2 years when I met them...geez....she would not let go of it. That was 23 years ago and not one of her kids (she had 5) is happily M to this day. And I do not blame the h, I blame the bitter wife. Why not divorce him if you wanted to be miserable? She made herself AND HIM miserable and passed on the legacy of victimhood and grudge-holding to her kids...I'll never forget that b/c otherwise she was a wonderful neighbor. Her h wrote a reference for my h way back when...and she put that down too. Minimized it. She never let her h forget that he was ALWAYS on thin ice with her...so he drank more and more, quietly, and died of cancer....and THEN she was a sad widow. (SIGH) Life lessons for us all...

EO, sorry for the digression/hijack. If you know that you cannot forgive a PA and your h had one, so be it. You know yourself. And with what my h and I have now been through, if you added an A to it, I'm not sure I'd stick around. But it IS a choice and my "issue" is with people who really won't choose. They say they want to stay M, but then they won't forgive either, and that has to be the worst choice possible.

Well hoping you find some peace this weekend! And if I didn't mention Williamson's books for handling anger, let me reiterate their importance to me. (Sorry if I'm repeating myself) I didn't see forgiveness as a kid. My parents fought loudly, and then retreated, until their next choreagraphed argument and nothing ever got resolved...not a great model. But they stayed married and at the very end, I could see that they loved each other underneath their pain and anger and festering wounds was a deeply passionate love. What a tragedy that it took the words "You have cancer & little time" for me to hear my father tell my mother that he loved her. And she finally allowed herself to forgive. It was THEN that I saw forgiveness, begrudgingly given, and it was almost too late.

Anyhow, I put the Williamson CD/ book "Return to Love" on my Ipod -and did my "anger walks" (Now referred to as "Power Walks") for hours almost every night so I could get it into my head. Where the head goes, the heart will follow and eventually, it did. (Yeah I like that mantra too!)

She also wrote, with Wayne Dyer, "Advancing Your spirit" or something like that, about women over 40 and where we are in our life and how it can be the MOST productive joyful time in our lives. I LOVE IT SO FAR --but I skimmed some of Dyer's stuff to get to hers. Maybe not fair, but so what?

Oh, AK, have you checked out K4's today? Guess we're all Praying that his c gets somewhere...please! Seriously...

J-