My story starts about 5 1/2 years ago. I was 33 at the time and so was my husband, we had a 1 year old son. I developed a severe infection (something like MRSA) and ended up in multiple organ failure. I almost died. I was told I would need constant care until I made a full recovery as I was at high risk of cardiac arrest. My husband has a very time consuming job with a lot of travel so he could not be my primary provider. Although it was a very hard decision for us, we decided to sell our house, our son and I would go live with my parents and my mom would become my primary caregiver, and my husband would go live with his parents one state away. This has all worked out very well until this past January, when the DR FINALLY gave me a clean bill of health, and my husband proceeded to inform me that he didn't want us to live together as a family again. I did have some inkling that something was going on because for the past couple of years he has only been visiting us a couple of weekend afternoons each month instead of coming over every time he had a day off from work. A few weeks ago, he started blocking calls from my home phone and my cell phone so I can't get in touch with him at all, I have to wait for him to call me. He also recently dumped me off our joint insurance policy without telling me in advance - I only found out when I got a letter from the company about it! I have been told by mutual friends that they think he has another woman living with him but he has vehemently denied it so I honestly don't know. He's always been something of a porn and sex addict and I guess I kind of expected there was no way he could stay faithful to me when we haven't been able to be intimate in over 5 years now (DRs orders as I couldn't do anything that might raise my blood pressure too much). I don't know where to go from here. His behavior has made it quite clear to me that he no longer has any interest in restoring our marriage. I'm not really angry because I can't say as I blame him, but I wish he had told me this BEFORE the DR gave me permission to resume a normal life! As it is, he has caught me off guard. He also told me he is not interested in getting a divorce, at least at this point in time. He does pay a minimal amount of money to my parents every month to support me and our son and I don't know if the only reason he wants to stay married might be that the courts would make him pay me a LOT more than he already is. Just a couple of other additions to this story are that my in-laws hate me, my parents hate my husband, my husband is currently visiting us about once every 6 weeks, and my son has reached a point of being very hurt and angry with his father for ceasing his regular visits. Even when he calls and promises to come on a given day, he ends up not showing. I am more than willing to try to work on our marriage, but how can I do that when I hardly ever even see him anymore? It's hard to show someone you love them when you see them MAYBE 4 hours a month. I've tried to talk to him about "US" and every time I bring up the subject he walks out the door and leaves. And I can't touch him either - every time I try, he jumps away like he's been burned. I just don't know what to do at this point. All the time I have been recovering from being so ill, I have held on to the future and the hope of having my family back together again and now it's breaking my heart that apparently that is NOT going to happen.
I forgot to mention we have no "legal" separation, child custody, or financial support arrangement right now. Which we are going to have to do soon whether we divorce or not because our son starts school in September and our school requires a formal custody agreement on file if both parents do not live together.
I'm so saddened to hear your circumstances. What a horrific thing to live through only to come out the other side without the support of your H.
I have no clue how you would go about reconnecting with someone who so obviously doesn't want to have anything to do with the M and family he left. I only have a few things to suggest regarding protecting yourself and your child.
1)You said he removed your from your joint insurance policy? Is that legal in your state? I know that in my state (GA) a spouse can not remove the other from insurance (including car, home, or life insurance) without written permission from the other.
2)Please get an attorney immediately and file for child support. Your H needs to MAN UP and take care of his child financially even if he is not willing to care for him emotionally.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Mishka - he was able to remove me from the policy because he was the primary policy holder - also I think because he told the insurance company that we were divorced!!! and in my state if you live at separate addresses you can't share a policy. I'm going to insist that he continue paying for my new policy though since I can't afford it. Even if I have to take him to court to force the issue. I've been reading a lot of the other posts here, especially in the newcomers forum. I realize now I made some mistakes that certainly if they didn't lead to his bomb, they kept me in the dark that it was on the way. I should have questioned when his visits started becoming more and more infrequent, WHY he wasn't coming out as much. But, truth be told, I had neither the strength nor the energy to do so until pretty much this past year. And by the time I was finally getting back on my feet, the infrequent visits had already become status quo and the couple of times I "rocked the boat" by asking him about the future, it caused such grief that I stopped asking. In December of 2007, he told me he was considering filing for divorce so he could "move on" with his life because I was holding him back, but he never filed and he never brought it up again so I thought he had changed his mind. It was only when my DR told me I could resume a "normal" life again that he told me he was happy with his life as it was now and didn't want the responsibility of living with a wife and child again. After more than 5 years, I'm used to not living with him, I have no doubt that I can move on and create a life of my own without him, just me and our son. But it just breaks my heart how it is hurting our boy! He misses his father so much despite the fact that in his entire 6 years of life he has maybe spent a total of 6 months in his father's company. I know my husband thinks that if we get back together, he will have to make an effort to be at home with us, which he thinks would interfere with his workaholic lifestyle (this is a man who works 80-100 hours a week and travels frequently). And I don't think he can break free of his workaholism, because his mother has told me in the past that he was a workaholic even when he was 16 years old working his first crappy summer job at a convenience store. He's got this incredible need to prove something to somebody (his mother I think), but I don't know why he feels that only working crazy hours can do it. He's never been hard up for cash in his life (his dad always made good money and so does he) so it's not a money worry. Sometimes I think he just doesn't know any better because his dad was the same way (and so is his brother). And he and his brother have never been able to do anything quite "good enough" to satisfy their controlling, perfectionist mother. I remember when we first got married (and when BIL got married as well), my FIL telling us to move as far away as we could if we didn't want my MIL to undermine and destroy our marriages. BIL and his wife were smart enough to listen - they moved all the way across country and only come home for Christmas now! We got away for a few years, and they were the best years of our marriage - but then FIL got cancer and that brought us back home because H was really close to FIL (who died 2 years ago now). As soon as we moved back home, MIL started using every excuse in the book to have my H over to their house w/out me, and she would keep inviting his ex-GF from high school to be there at the same time he was. She LOVES his ex-GF and hates me simply because I am not her. This crazy woman even set it up that the ex-GF was the stripper who performed at my H's bachelor party - I'm not sure to this day if he slept with her that night or not although she says he did - but then she wants us to split as well b/c she still wants him back. I knew that having H live with his parents while I was recovering from my illness was not a great idea - but since I had no choice but to move back in with my parents, who live too far from where he works, I guess he felt moving in with his parents was his best option. I obviously can't be sure, but I have a nagging feeling that MIL and the ex-GF are probably behind H not wanting to get back together. I just don't understand why, if that is the case, he doesn't just tell me that he wants a divorce. Unless he is afraid of the court deciding against him having any decent visitation but still having to pay a lot of CS and alimony (which I'm almost sure to get b/c of my disability). My mom has been tracking his visits in her journal (as well as the times he has promised to visit and never shown up) and the fact that he hardly ever visits us anymore is NOT going to look good to a family court judge.
So I just ordered Divorce Busting and The Divorce Remedy. But I sure would like to know if anyone else here has ever been physically separated from their spouse as long as I have, and if they were still able to work things out in the long run. Or if 5 years apart is just too much to hope we will ever get back together.
sorry to find yourself here. My prayers go out to you.
Right now a 180 seems to be in order. You are right in that your H is doing the bare minimum to support you and your son. First thing I would do is get legal counsel.
Start standing up for yourself and gain confidence in yourself. Can your M be saved? maybe. But the most important thing is taking care of yourself and your son.
To me, if a man doesn't take care of his wife and especially his children, then he's nothing but a spineless one-celled organism with an erection.
Time for you to stand up and take your life back into your hands. He's taken everything away from you and doesn't give spit about his own child. That's something you should definitely take offense to. He'll wake up real fast once he gets a legal summons.
I feel that this is what has to happen for anything positive to come out. Don't even tell him you're doing it. After all, he didn't even tell you he took you off the insurance policy. You also might want to look into that since he told them you were divorced. That might be fraud.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
FYI - I was the primary holder on the car insurance. I couldn't remove the second car and my xh until they called him to verify that it was ok that they do that.
He was the beneficiary of my life insurance policy. I couldn't remove him and replace him with my son until I had a notarized letter from him giving the ok.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Well I have gone back to work, I started a new job just about a month ago. And I have been surprised at how fast I have gotten my self-confidence back since I have been working again! H made me feel like I wasn't worth much since I was "sponging" off him and my parents while I was sick - at least that's how he saw it. Sad considering for most of our marriage I was the primary wage earner by a rather large margin. Not to mention I paid his way through grad school and he never did the same for me even though that was our original deal. My new job isn't much - just a retail clerk barely above minimum wage - but at least I am interacting with people outside my immediate family again. And its enough to hopefully pull off tuition for private school for my son - he has Sensory Integration Disorder and his pediatrician says he really needs to go to a private school with small classes. H has said he doesn't care if S goes to a special school or not, but he has said he will NOT contribute to the tuition, if I want him to go I'll have to pay his way alone. This is all just moving too fast for me all of a sudden. I've been kind of just taking whatever life throws at me for too long now and all of a sudden it just feels like its time to start fighting back. I think it all came to a head this week because H called us Sunday morning and spoke to S and told him he would DEFINITELY be out to visit Sunday afternoon and S was all excited and sat out on his swing in the front lawn all Sunday afternoon watching for daddy's car and - you guessed it - daddy never showed up. Haven't heard from him since that morning when he originally called, either. I'm so angry with him all of a sudden - he just pushed me over the edge with this. I still want to work things out but mostly for our son's sake not for my own. But if we are going to work things out, it's going to have to start soon, because if he pulls stunts like this much more and keeps hurting our son, I'm not going to be able to retain any positive feelings for him very much longer. I'm so sick of having to lie to my son about his daddy just having to work long hours and daddy still cares about him and all that when I know in my head (if not my heart) that "daddy" couldn't care less about either one of us anymore.
If your son's disorder is diagnosed by a doctor and the doctor has stated that he needs to go to a special school, then guess what.......the court will force your H to pay at least part of his schooling in his CS payment. YOU NEED A LAWYER NOW!!!!
Please, this is not to be vindictive, this is not to push your H's buttons, this is to force him to, at the very least, be financially responsible for his child.
Call first thing Monday morning and explain what is going on. Do it now....DON'T WAIT!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
