Ken Remember...she told me 14 months ago she wanted out of the marriage. It was me that hung on, waiting and hoping...thinking that she saw and believed the changes.
When she reminded me I would tell her "I know"...and she would hang on...waiting for me to move on...move out. As I look back on it now, it doesn't make an awful lot of sense, but you all know what the past year has been like for us.
I offered the good times, knowing what she continued to tell me..she accepted, knowing that in the long run, she still wanted out.
Certainly not the right thing for her to do, and I would imagine there were many times her feelings were changing...no, I know during that past year, her feelings were changing..the ups and downs, the peaks and valleys. They were there...that's why I hung in there.
And me...I told her when the R talks came up that I loved her and did not want the marriage to end, but never admitted to fighting it in my heart. She had just thought all along that everything I was doing was a lie, and in that respect, it was all I lie to her....lies that I would move on and lies that the changes were for me. That was how she told me she saw it.
How do you establish any sort of normal relationship or communication when the whole thing was based on keeping ourselves medicated with alcohol and good times...all the while both of us knowing full well what the other wanted.
Now this...This to me is the culmination of her frustration from the past year...not the previous years of being in an unhappy marriage. She got that out and off her chest back then and was firm when she told me it was over..100%..in her words.
I was just talking with a friend online and I posed the question...
"If all she has been doing this past year is waiting me out, and has moved on enough to allow OM to be in the picture, what exactly would I be saving if I decided to ride this out and start a new DB path?"
During a short talk the other night she as much as told me that the last 14 months was not fair to either one of us. She felt I made us just waste another year of BOTH of our lives.
She said I TOLD you and and you didn't believe me, and then you just kept trying and trying....being so nice and doing all these things for me.."Just because I told you I wanted a divorce"...poor thing..14 months with kind, loving husband that treated you like a queen....and you stayed why?
There is a lesson in there for all of us, I guess...especially for the newbies, but I can't quite comprehend it right now.
So..where do I go from here and what will the next step be?...conflicting advice, information overload keeps me on the fence.
Does there need to be a time line? Is there any urgency since in the end, I cannot and should not be thinking control?
Stand up for what I believe is right, tell her to GTFO and push her right into his or another's arms?...maybe.
Hang tight...relax..see what the next few days bring and the coming week when OM is planning on being in town?...tough one for me.
Exposure?....fight argue and bring it all this chapter to a spectacular end. Hard to imagine after not a single harsh word spoken between us in over a year.
Even the other night with her confession, and reassurance to me that the marriage was over, she said she hated the thought of us not being friends.
Crazy, crazy stuff my friends...crazy stuff.
But Steady, you're right..venting on here helps sometimes, even if I do sound like a raving idiot at times.
I am just trying to keep my sanity right now and fairing pretty well I hope.
There are plenty of stories on here about the WAW and the fog and all the crazy things they will do.
Don't forget the news stories about the crazy H's who have done horrible things to there families and themselves in the name of love.
Thanks again folks...I'll keep you posted, and once again..chime in if you feel like it.
I just reread that...yes, sorry..I do sound like a lunatic, but no...I am in no way any where near the point of doing anything crazy or harmful to myself of my family.
Stuck I asked her the same question when we had the conversation about OM....she said because I had no where to go, we weren't financially stable enough to support 2 households and she didn't know what I would do if she pushed harder.
Yes, I know, all BS.
This past year, actually at the end of 2007, I started a new job at a company that was getting ready to build a new facility. I have been waiting it out and we just got in about 2 weeks ago. That should change things financially for me very soon. She has carried the load now for a while, but over our marriage it was just the opposite.
That was excuse #1...she was waiting for me to get settled in and for things to improve for ME, not us.
Afraid of how I would react to her pushing?...maybe, if she thought about the previous years. There was yelling and screaming at times, and have freely admitted on here to being a jerk..that's why I'm here.
Did I ever physically abuse her, break things, throw things or threaten harm to her, myself or anyone around me?...NEVER.
I have said before...the past year together not a harsh word between us...not one. That was my first promise to myself the day of the bomb, and it has never been broken.
That was pretty much all she had to say when I asked her...
Why didn't you push?...Why didn't you file for separation?...Why didn't you remind me daily that the marriage was over and you wanted out? This would all be over by now..you would be free and on your way.
"Because you told me you didn't need any reminders...you KNEW I wanted out".
Just tell her calmly that she wants out, then she needs to file. If she's not going to file, then she cannot use any excuses and blame you for "her" unhappiness.
Simple.
I would just tell her that, then walk away. If she doesn't file, then it's her burden. When a R talk comes up again (which you should avoid as much as possible) and she starts blaming you again, then tell her that you already said what she should do since she was unhappy. When she says she did it for you, tell her it was her choice to do it, so she needs to stop blaming you as being the reason. She has to look at herself and what an ugly person she's become.
I forgot...is there OM? If there is, then I'd kick her out now. She shouldn't have been stringing you along until someone "better" came along.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Stuck Thanks for the opinion...I will put you down as a "tell her to GTFO".
Unfortunately...I have not reached that point in my mind yet. Things could sour quickly with us at this point living in the same house, but I have decided with the recent news, I will not be the one to leave.
My thinking lately has her giving up completely, packing up and leaving herself. Some of the snooping turned up some comments about an apartment search.
You do make it sound very simple, and I wish it were like that for me. Although as I sat at the house with her last night, I felt myself looking at her, finally, in a different light.
Those feelings of wanting to go to her, fix her and make this all go away are leaving me. I thought about the past year and the closeness, and right then, last night I could not feel that desire to hold her, kiss her...be with her.
What is going through my mind more as the days go by is the logistics of this whole mess....the house, the finances..the dog..the cars...the reality of it all instead of the emotions.
She has been under the impression that I was going to lay down and roll over for her when the time comes. Who knows what her reaction will be when she doesn't get what she was promised.
Although as I sat at the house with her last night, I felt myself looking at her, finally, in a different light.
Those feelings of wanting to go to her, fix her and make this all go away are leaving me. I thought about the past year and the closeness, and right then, last night I could not feel that desire to hold her, kiss her...be with her..
Perfectly normal. It took me a while to get to this point. It's like this most of the time for me now. There are times that feeling of wanting to be close again come, but they are brief and infrequent
Originally Posted By: ndsmhelp
What is going through my mind more as the days go by is the logistics of this whole mess....the house, the finances..the dog..the cars...the reality of it all instead of the emotions.
Focus on this stuff. It will keep your mind off everything else and keep you focused on yourself. Work on your plan, work on ideas for things you always wanted to do for YOU. I came up with a list of things I wanted to do/try - skydive, snorkel, rock climb, kayak, cooking class, etc... I am working my way through the list one at a time and adding new things as I go.
Originally Posted By: ndsmhelp
She has been under the impression that I was going to lay down and roll over for her when the time comes. Who knows what her reaction will be when she doesn't get what she was promised.
Same thing in my sitch. My W had a picture in her mind (fantasy) of how it all was 'supposed' to go. I would leave, give her the house and kids, take a minimum of money, giver her half my net income, kiss her ass, become 'best buds' and keep doing stuff for her. Well it didn't quite work out that way. She thought I'd be out by Easter - lol. She'll be lucky if we're done by Christmas at the rate it's moving. She wasn't very happy when I didn't roll over, and she's not happy how things are moving and her control attempts keep backfiring on her.
Be careful. My W reacted very agressively when she realized she wasnt' going to get the picture she envisioned. Just make sure you protect yourself.
Tim, you can do this. I know you can. You've improved yourself immensely.
It's funny, but a few weeks after my W rebombed I got the feeling the D was more for me than her. I never got a life and din't have one in the marriage. Now it's time for me to do that. Who knows, maybe my W and I will cross paths again, maybe not. But I do know this - I am a better man, a better person, a better father because of all of this and the work I did. So are you. If not with my W, then some other woman is going to be lucky enought to land me.
We can all give our opinions, but in the end you have to make the choice that is right for you on how to handle your current sitch. You're the one that has to live with your choices - make sure it's a choice you can later on have no regrets about. (if that's even possible)
Please keep us updated.
One other thing - detach....
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
Ken Thanks. I know your sitch had taken a similar path to mine....working, progressing...and bombed again.
Feeling very focused...very strong today. Getting ready to head out of work early, do some work around the house and head out with a buddy tonight.
Wife has had plans all week to go out with SIL and a friend, and part of me is wondering just what's going on..is this the night...is he here yet?
The other part of me knows that I cannot control her, or stop her if she wants to let things progress with him.
If this had been the first bomb, and I was the old me...had not found DB yet...who knows what might have happened.
Some times I want a little of that anger back...that passion to do things even though I know they are wrong in the long run...but right now..today...I am at peace with myself.
Is she?...can she really be happy with what she has done and feel no regrets after this past year?
Doesn't matter at this point. There still is no hate...there still has been no firm, vocalized decision from either one of us. This limbo is tolerable at this moment because I still hold out a little hope, but I know that won't last and will deal with that as we move along.
Just stopping in to journal and give myself a 2x4 before I head out with a friend for some beers and night out listening to an old friends band.
Wife was here when I got home getting ready to meet SIL, SIL's sister and the other girls for a night out.
Her and text boy seem have become much more careful about contact as my snooping has not turned up anything lately....slowly putting that to rest as right now, it just doesn't matter much to me.
I asked her point blank if she knew yet when he was coming to town and if she was planning on being with him tonight. According to her he will be near here next weekend visiting family and not sure how long he is staying yet.
Funny how the conversation started so matter of fact...me asking my wife about her OM...crazy stuff.
Me, of course, as the DB rules seem to be flying right out the window turned it into an R talk, and all that got me was eye rolling and her reminder of what she had already told me about the last 14 months being for me...because she cared about me..worried about me.
Yes, I told her I still loved her, and that given the time, I would still be willing to give the marriage another chance...blah, blah, blah....won't happen again any time soon.
Tonight it was almost as though I just needed to hear it one more time, see the eyes roll and her look of complete detachment on her face.
Although I am still on the fence, for the first time this year I am understanding detachment. I seem to want this to lead me to a point where I don't want her...don't think I need her in my life, but I guess not ready to close the door yet.
Oh well...like I said...I have already given myself the 2x4.
