I think these "they'll be fine" folks equate survive with "thrive," and I find that to be problematic in the extreme. Even folks who "survived" can't know that they've thrived because they don't know what their lives would have been like otherwise.
They might well be living their "best lives" (to use a bit of Oprah-ese), but it's their best life given the fact of divorce, which is a different thing altogether.
This stuff tortures me too. I really relate. I have, however had to make peace as best I can. We already had that conversation once with the kids in tears and now, because H is sort of half in, we'll have to hit them again with D and him officially moving out. It is cruel.
Still, SP, I know people whose parents stayed together for 30+ years in a seemingly perfect household and ended up drug addicts, or divorced themselves etc.
It is straight up retarded to say that D doesn't traumatize, it does. And the lifestyle is tough. BUT, there are so many ways to suffer in this life, as you know...
I tell you this as the woman who has pissed people off with my insistence that this is scarring my kids. I am with you. I just want you to be able to see them as just as whole after as before...it will impact the way you treat them and handle their pain.
