I don't resent H for his choices. I resent him for not being supportive. For having to deal with everything not only alone, but with the added stress of him screaming at me about it. For making our home a place I don't want to be rather than helping me make it a safe haven. Honestly, I could deal with everything else if he was on my side, if I knew I could count on him and trust he'd be supportive and not yell. I resent him for kicking me when I'm down and expecting me to lift him up when he's down.

I've told him all this, a couple of times now. I'm not girly, I don't play coy or get passive aggressive - I've point blank told him all this. He couldn't hear me past his own yelling.

Me - "I need you to stop yelling at me and be supportive because I'm really starting to resent feeling alone instead of as a team."

Him - "Why aren't you looking for a job? You aren't looking hard enough? You are stressing me out. You've been out of work for week, you should have a job by now. Why are you dealing with court cases or with your family? I don't care what's going with your mom or if you want to help her. Why is that my problems? Why are you stressing me out with your issues? Why can't you just be positive and make it all go away? Why is always negative stuff? Why are you telling me you probably can't have a baby? (because that's what the doctor just told me). Now you might have cancer? See, you're always negative. Give me good news."

Me - "Do you hear what I'm saying at all?

Him - "If you had just been more prepared and better organized with.... I told you to do this.... I work and have bills, I have enough to deal with, I don't have time for your problems. Who needs more kids anyway when I have to worry about college funds for (his) boys. You need to clean the (virtually spotless) house more and I'll resent you less and maybe if you get a job then I can be less stressed and be more supportive"

Me - end up crying and give up trying to talk to him

This can go on for 2 days. After yelling he'll just walk out and ignore me. Slam doors, sleep on the edge of the bed (if I sleep in our room - I usually opt to sleep on the sofa). Then the next day he'll ask to call a truce and act like nothing happened, like I'm supposed to pretend everything is fine. And I do, and I stuff it all in and deal with all the stress alone for as long as I can. Then it starts over again. It feels like he's emotionally punching me in the gut.

Now, when it's him upset or stressed, I'm the one rubbing his back, telling him he's amazing and everything will be ok. Because I love him, because I hate seeing him hurt. So if he loves me, why does he not only want to see me hurt but wants to step on me when I'm down?

That's why I want to walk.

Yes, I can control only myself. I DB'd for 2 years... I know how it works. I know I can choose to shut up and deal with my problems alone (because no, I don't have family or friends close by)... oh wait, I AM dealing with them alone already! I can just chose if I want to be ignored by my husband just because he's stressed and doesn't want to hear me.

I know I can't take 6 more months of that. I don't even think I can take 6 more days.