2. I should get the results next week. I guess I plan doom and gloom because that's what seems to keep happening to me. That's not being negative, it's a fact. I know from the hard way, that being positive about medical stuff does not always create miracle or spare us from tragedy. But I do need to stop worrying until I get some results and maybe luck will be on my side.
3. I am open to IVF and anything else - but all that costs $$$$ that we don't have. I dealt with infertility issues in my last marriage... not naive about all this stuff. I would go to hell and back to be a mom... H is already a dad, worried about college tuition. He can't handle the stress we already have, I can't see him handling infertility. But it's not about trying other options or IVF... I just found out I'll never have the "normal" dream of being pregnant the old fashioned way, having a baby, etc. And yes, I get not everything is "normal" - I had a disabled son for 6 yrs, I understand the beauty of the abnormal. But it's still the death of a dream.
4. I have deadlines to meet by Monday, otherwise getting away for a few days would be great. But I'm afraid H would get upset that I'm not here, looking for a job or helping around the house.
I don't want him to pick up the pieces. I want him to a partner. I want us to be best friends again. I want the man I fell in love with. I understand things happen, people get stressed. Hell, I'm stressed but I'm not dumping more stress on him or not there for him when he needs me. H is the only one in the house with a job, true. I get that's stressful but is he working harder? No. Right now he's skipping work to be on the golf course. He does this about once a week... I don't say a word. He has weekends off. He works from home and takes naps during the day sometimes. He earns the money, so I don't criticize. If he doesn't want to be supportive when I'm stressed (a hug, a few kind words.... all I want)... then at least don't stress me out more. That's not too much to ask. I'm not asking for Prince Charming to fix everything. Just be a partner. If not 50%-50% with support, at least 30%-70%.
5. Had a full work up - labeled it stress.
6. I have tried that. I have tried apologizing for asking too much of him when I even just want 1 hug. I have tried not asking anything. If he'd even just leave me alone when things are really stressful, it would be easier... but freaking out and yelling and making it worse just well, makes it worse. I feel like he's kicking me when I'm down and I can't handle that and resent him for doing that and not being supportive.
I do want to run. I can't fix this alone. I can't make him want to not freak out when there's stress. I mean really, if I'm being 100% kind and supportive of him and doing all I can and he's still not getting it... what is there left to try? Except be a complete jerk to him when he's at his lowest and hope he finally gets the picture? I can't do that.
Bottom line is, you can't make someone care and you can't make someone be supportive. And being here is hurting more now than it's helping. I can't give him a free pass to not care or be supportive. I don't want to be in a marriage like that.
I have tried apologizing for asking too much of him when I even just want 1 hug. I have tried not asking anything. If he'd even just leave me alone when things are really stressful, it would be easier... but freaking out and yelling and making it worse just well, makes it worse. I feel like he's kicking me when I'm down and I can't handle that and resent him for doing that and not being supportive.