In Utter Agony...Long 1st Post

[25yearsmlc]

Changes in YOU + time, = change he'll believe in.

Then you can worry about what HE needs to do for you to feel safe. It's too much at once for him to feel unmotivated to work on the M AND have you "list" what he needs to do for your M when he's got a foot out the door.
You need to be a woman only a fool would leave.

No nagging, no pressure, NO R talks at all, no temperature taking of the R, "how you feeling NOW???" and questions that start with "Why" are usually going to elicit defensiveness so avoid them. No more "HOW COULD YOU?" b/c even though we've ALL done that, it does not help. Be upbeat, resigned to his choice but looking forward to YOUR life b/c you are interested and interesting in many things and have lots of GAL to do. But stop those questions--

That's a parental voice and you need to shut down the parental voice so he can hear his inner voice telling him "WTH are you doing to your son?" Don't shut down that voice with those parental tones. Let the old feelings of love he had, resurface. They will if you back off. He's doing a puzzle only he can solve so you cannot hover over him telling him where the pieces go. BACK OFF.

No more "talk" of change. Just BE DIFFERENT and say nothing. He'll notice. He won't SAY he noticed. But he will. Don't expect praise or acknowledgment either and recall that these changes MUST be changes you want to make for you.

If they are merely tactics to get him back, he'll see through them (he already will assume that's what they are so you have to show that these things you are changing are b/c you want to be the best person you can be ((the woman only a fool would leave....))

not b/c you are manipulating him or fooling him into coming back. Somehow you need to show him that M to you from now on, would be different b/c what you had in the M was NOT enough for him. Right or wrong, that's the truth. So again, your changes + time = something he may come to believe in. But your timeline must be adjusted so you don't think in a week's time you'll see BIG differences.

Check out MY time line and see what I mean. Patience. See Marianne Williamson's books on forgiveness and handling anger for some exercises and maybe "The Gift Of Change" so you can see that even life without him, will be good.

You are modelling for your son, how to handle a blow to the heart with dignity. Show him that your pain is not eternal or fatal. AND by doing so, you make it easier for your h to believe he will not have the sword of Damacles hanging over his head the rest of his life for having his emotional needs met by another woman. I know that hurts but why go over the pain you felt/feel?

You need movement forward now. I pray a lot. But not with a "to do" list for God. I stopped praying for "H BACK NOW" and began More of praying for guidance to know what to do and strength to do it. Only when I truly let h go, detaching lovingly and knowing I'd be fine either way, did things in MY life get significantly better. And yes, he began to awaken then. But I did not detach as a tactic, but a step in GAL and moving forward b/c limbo land is not healthy.

If God (or "the universe" depending on your belief system) does not have the restoration of M in mind for you, you can be sure that he has something cool just around the corner for you then. And there is free will in your h but the thing is, Either way, have faith that you will be fine no matter what. That belief will lead you to forgivenss and GAL and the 180's and all the rest.


(( j ))

PS stop apologizing if you have already done it. If he brings something up negative that IS valid or even partly valid, admit that if you had it to do over, you'd do it differently. Then move on to a diff topic. This shows that you"get it" without you owning all of it and shows it would be diff from now on. It is crucial that when YOU own something or admit or concede mishandling something on your end, DO NOT THEN BRING UP SOMETHING HE DID WRONG...that's keeping score and will lead to an argument and NOT get you any closer to your goal....