Over the Shock and GALing 5

[Coach]

Strange how the mind works - you relax, change your perspective, and suddenly things that were obvious for a long time become clearly visible.

Today I (re)realized that my W is slightly abusive, and I am not going to tolerate it.

When my W is stressed or angry, and I do or don't do something that annoys her, she lashes out. She raises her voice, get's an ugly tone, uses swear words, etc. - usually over somthing trivial - ie "Why don't you turn of the F---ing light when you leave the room!!!" followed by several more sentences in the same vein. I think yelling was normal in her family growing up, and she has difficulty calmly expressing her negative emotions, so she goes from silent to angry with no transition. Yelling never happened in my home growing up (we were passive aggressive instead) so I interpret this as a direct attack.

In the past I would respond to these attacks by:
- immediately getting defensive
- trying to explain away, defend, rationalize, etc
- occasionally yelling back, or just telling her to "chill out"
- feeling belittled and angry

The end result was that I ended up walking on eggshells trying to avoid the next outburst - not healthy . I'm sure it was also reducing the amount of respect my W had for me - and the amount I had for myself.

I don't even think she sees that she is doing it. She is exactly the same way when she drives - angrily hurling abuse at any other car that annoys her.

The outbursts are fewer and farther between recently, and my response has improved. Last night I just waited until she was done, then said I understood that she was annoyed, but did not appreciate the disrespectful abuse. She just turned away and sulked a bit.

This was a bit of a watershed for me - I was calm and did not get (too) defensive, and was then able to calmly ask her to back off. And frankly, I did not even care when she began sulking. Although I did not handle it perfectly, It solidified in my mind the boundary that I need to set and how to set it.

Now I am determined not to deal with this any more. If she starts, I am simply going to say she is allowed to be annoyed and should certainly tell me when things bother her, but I am not going to tolerate the verbal abuse - and end the conversation there.

Thinker, High Five! Now you are at the point when you can think and make healthy choices. The ablility to see the little disrespectful things and handle them in a emotionally healthy way will yield great results. You are now leading in your marriage. Your wife is noticing and processing it. Remember how you noticed you don't get positive feedback, you won't here either but really listen and tune in to her and look at her actions (no expectations though).
I want to buy you a beer. You are handling it.
Cheers
Coach