Copying from other thread (guess I need to combine them and keep to one)....
I'm not exactly new to DB. I tried it many years ago when my 1st marriage broke up (lots of issues + OW who he eventually married). It didn't save my marriage but it helped save me. I became a better person and partner thanks to DB and Michele and those people who supported me (JJ, I can't believe you're still here!). That was many years and several relationships ago.
Now here I am, a newleywed, in my mid-30's. I've been married for 6 months after dating a yr and a half. He's a good guy but we're under so much stress and he doesn't handle it well at all. And I'm lonely as hell.
He was in the mortgage industry... was. He was out of work for a yr and a half. I lost my job last summer. We married last fall, both jobless but optimistic. We weren't completely broke. He got a new job in January. We moved in March. Both of us dealing with audits (he with his ex, me with work). Also, he has 2 teenagers we have 50% of the time - good boys. And I run a foundation full-time in memory of my son. So it's been very stressful. He stresses about money, I stress about life. I was out of work, he was barely making enough to cover the bills. So his way of unconsciously punishing me was to give me all the responsibility for moving 2 households (mine from storage, his huge house into 1 house). All the unpacking. All the moving plans. Plus, a huge audit all within 3 wks. I did it, stressed as hell but I did it. He was zero support with the audit and wanted to know why I was stressing him out with my audit. Huge 2 day fight before right before the audit. Our first fight, ever. Since then we have them whenever I'm not employed. I had a temp job for 5 weeks, we were fine then. I'm unemployed again and now we're fighting again. All my stresses, he complains about. All his stresses, I try to be supportive. But money and being out of work... he feels twice the pressure and he resents me badly. He's not abusive at all - just not there for me and can't see past his own stress. This leaves me dealing with my stresses, his stresses and being 100% alone.
This week I found out I only have a 5% chance of having more kids. All I ever wanted to be is a mom. My son, my only child, died 10 yrs ago. It almost killed me. Now to find out I'll never be a mom again... it's breaking my heart. He doesn't understand, I don't expect him to. He has 2 boys - who have a mom, and they are teenagers - so there's not much chance of me being able to mother them. I love them, they love me but I'll never be mom to them. And I'm trying to accept all this but it's hard as hell. I found this out a few days after I lost my job. And I'm dealing with a court case with my family (trying to help my mom with a lot). It's been a hell of a week and we've fought 2 of the last 4 days and it's killing me.
I try talking to him but he only says things like "you get yourself into all this stuff with the court case and losing your job. It's more pressure on me". I repeat, he's not abusive, he is a good guy... he's just CLUELESS. He gets stressed, upset and he cannot see past his own nose. He's an amazing dad, a hard worker, a good provider but he's not always supportive when I need him to be.
So I've been crying for days. Trying to find a job. Trying to deal with charity deadlines. Trying to help my mom. Trying to accept all this stuff. We fought the other day and made up 2 days ago. Then last night he got mad at me for putting an anonymous note in the neighbor's mailbox that they need to shut their blinds... because he's afraid they will find out it's us that left the note. The blinds were open to a teenage girl's room - we have 2 teenage boys who figured that out. The right thing to do was tell her and I stand by that. He doesn't see that. He thinks we should've done nothing. This is honestly the only time I've ever seen his parenting skills completely off base and come on... if we had teenage girls and the boy across the street could see into their room, he'd be upset. I think he's being a jerk about it and cares more about what the neighbor's might think than fighting with me or protecting our boys and that girl. So we fought last night and he stomped off and went to bed. Today, more fighting. I try and try and try to talk to him and try to get him to see that I need support too but I'm hitting a brick wall. He is supportive... he is... he's donated a lot to the charity, goes to the cemetery with me, supported me all the months I was out of work. But when it all adds up at once... he becomes just another stresser instead of my best friend and I can't take all this crying all the time.
I'm ready to just walk away. I am so damn lonely. I feel like he only wants me because I'm always supportive of him. When the chips are down for him, I'm right there, his biggest cheerleader. When I'm at my lowest... he's telling me what I did wrong and how it's stressing him out. I'm at the point of not wanting to tell him anything because it will just make it all worse. But that's not fair and I'm starting to resent all the times I tell him things will be ok or try to take away some of his stress. I love him, I really do... more than I've ever loved any man... when we're not stressed, things are wonderful. We laugh all the time, sex is amazing, we're great. But when stress adds up, he freaks out and I'm left crying.
And to add to it all, I had a biopsy last week. and am waiting for the results. Yeah, when it rains, it pours... and he told me today my life is so "negative" and he's tired of it all the time. Uhhhh, hellooooo... so am I!!!! So what if it is cancer? He won't be able to handle it. My family lost my sister to cancer and I can't put them through it again. I feel like just packing up and taking off to Kansas or Wyoming or somewhere in the middle of nowhere and being by myself where I might be lonely but at least some of this pressure will be off of me.
We're newleyweds, this is supposed to be the happiest time. But it's not. I have no one to talk to about most of this and I cry all the time. Maybe he loves me but I don't feel loved. And I keep thinking "Somewhere out there has to be a guy who will love me for me and not how I support him". Because all I really want is my husband to care, to love me, to put his arms around me and help me deal with all this stuff together and tell me it will be ok. Because I have no hope now. I lost my dream of motherhood, my husband doesn't seem to even like me right now, I have no job, no money of my own, over my head in charity work and I'm depressed. I feel like a complete failure at life and that's what I see when he looks at me. And it's killing me and I just want to run from it.
