In Utter Agony...Long 1st Post

[25yearsmlc]

Dear EO,

Um, first...OUCH OUCH!!! This definitely hurts! Okay, got that out of the way...(sigh) So....

The bruising on your arms, as I read your earlier posts, were to restrain you from "losing it" and in public, and in front of your kid. And you do have to stop that or you'll risk some custody issues. Are you getting c from someone for YOU? The anger is so palpable in all of your posts it's hard not to want to just say STOP AND TAKE A BREATH...ask yourself about what your real goals are and whether what you are about to say or do, will move you towards any of those goals.

Also you said something earlier that really hit me. YOU said you "can't forgive a PA". Okay, if you can't forgive one, then 1) he won't tell you of one, so stop asking. Unless he knows your "rule" AND he wants a divorce so I would not expect a confession or keep asking that question unless you simplyu want to get the M and divorce over with, assuming an A.... and 2) if you know you won't forgive it, and there was one, then why bother being here?

You can forgive whatever you choose to forgive. It takes work on both ends but if you are going to hold it over his head forever IF it's true, or suspect it always....then this is a waste of time. Am I hearing this correctly? You are having a meeting to discuss the financial aspects of divorce, not the emotional ones (except as they relate to your son)? IS that still true? And you did read the DB books?

I just see a list of grievances on your posts and whenever you discuss forgiveness you have a "compare and contrast" note that shows how much more you are forgiving (??? which is NOT forgiving b/c you are measuring and keeping track, and sooo NOT letting go) and that "he is not forgiving..." well you have no control over whether he'll forgive you but I can tell you that you CAN model it for him. Many of us don't know what forgiveness looks like b/c we didn't see it as kids or we equate it with condoning and it is not the same.

Seems letting go of past hurts and forgiving Is probably a big issue for both of you and you only control yourself, so you know what that means.

As for the "financial infidelities" on your end, you seem to gloss over those a lot. Or you immediately explained them away and made no mention of how HE felt about them except "anger" as if he had no real valid reason for it. I don't think infertility treatments are purely financial choices either, do you? Did you make those choices without involving him? And as for not losing the weight, well, my "morbidly obese" sister (I'm using the medical term, okay?) wanted kids but would not lose the weight that the doctors said would "greatly increase her fertility" and while she did not lose the weight, SHE resented the fact that for "Some reason" she was "denied kids" and her h resented the $20k it was going to cost to implant/treat while she did not lose the weight. (He also found it unattractive, but that's a side issue). The treatments failed, as did the M but I digress. Just saying I can see my x-bil's point.

Plus my own h made some solo "financial choices" to invest our money, which he STILL defends as good choices, or "seemed good at the time" no matter the evidence to the contrary AND the fact that he should not have made them without MY input or vote. That's just wrong and I don't care if he had purchased microsoft stock 20 years ago and we had made a fortune. It's a control issue and it's disrespectful to do it without agreement.

You also defend yourself a lot about the choices to "not support him" during his grief, b/c you had to protect your son (??) etc. Frankly that sounds as if you chose to avoid discomfort on your end or you didn't have the tools and didn't get them...

Are you really owning your part in this sitch? B/C imo, you are not really "owning" anything if you admit something only to immediately defend or explain it. You are making this about you being "right" or "more right than h"...and DBing is not about being right. It's about forgiveness, reconciliation, and being HAPPY.

Most LBSers are "right" to feel hurt and most WAS's are "wrong" to leave. WE get that. But being "right" it gets us nowhere. Lose the measuring stick and as my DB coach said, "Lose the anger, at least in front of h" or you'll fuel his reasons for feeling estranged or wanting out. You need to contrast the negative images he has or is creating in his mind, with positives.

The therapist stuff or A, is weird. IF your take on it is totally accurate, and I'm not clear that it is, due to the confrontational behavior you engaged in which (sorry to say this....) sounds over the top on your end. If it had been me and I was SURE of it, I'd simply have reported her to the appropriate authorities after getting some T myself to be sure I was not getting crazy myself. And I'd surely stop threatening her or your h and make a choice. The threats make it seem as if you enjoy the control or power you feel.

If you choose to "out her" you may be doing a favor to the world, etc BUT ask another T, (a male please) about the effect it'll have on YOUR M AND whether you are accurate in your assessment of the behavior....it's not your job to fix the t at the moment. MAybe later that will need addressing but for now, don't you have enough on your plate? And you have to avoid looking vindictive even if it is justified. REMEMBER...we all feel "justified" (including *& especially the WAS.)

Anyhow, what are you doing to start the forgiveness part of your action plans? I found some good exercises in "Return to Love" that deal specifically with letting go of anger in a healthy way. Helped me at least. I say this b/c I want YOU to be happy and if you don't let go of this stuff, you won't be. My signature about "hell" is something I really mean. We inflict hell upon ourselves by not letting go of the past hurts EVEN IF the M ends....we have to move on without feeling like victims. Make sense? Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself (some great material on this site about it),. Besides, if your h feels you'll always hold onto the hurt and keep it over his head or punish him, he'll be less likely to come back. Model forgivenes and it'll do wonders for your whole family and that is a legacy worthy of your beautiful son.

I just don't see how any long term M, can survive, let alone thrive, without some MAJOR forgiveness. And that means letting go of the stuff and not bringing it up or measuring. We don't use the same measuring cups anyhow and we are often not even aware of the things we did or said that hurt our spouses, let alone the "weight" they assigned them. You will NOT agree on your marital history in large part.

IMO, What's important is going forward--what can you agree on NOW, and from now on? Let go of who did what to whom b/c all that really matters is that it not happen again and you only have a LITTLE control over that anyhow. Plus we do create self fulfilling prophecies.

Good luck,
j-