brkenmrg needs help

[IWillSaveOurMarr]

Brkenmrg: I agree with the other posters, PLEASE just keep 1 thread about your story, I think I counted 4 of em! I was trying to read your story and it's all over the place.

Please also update your "signature" so people can easily see your situation (called "sitch" here.

I know patience is super hard right now, and it sounds like you get that this will be a long hard road and you accept that, but while you are waiting for responses, (and they WILL come, trust me) why don't you continue your reading on DR or DB or answering other unanswered posts (like you've been doing)? It's really theraputic I've found, to read that others are going through similar situations and then when you respond to them, you also are reinforcing the same actions and ideas in yourself, so it's easier for you to get strong on them.

I like your tone of your posts and your honesty in disclosing your situation. You sound like you earnestly want to mend this and gave us a good idea about what may have initially triggered this (the affair so early on that she never really 100% forgave you on), but since then, and in the months and days before she filed for divorce (some 14 + years AFTER the brief affair) what do you think was the trigger that pushed her over the edge and made her determined to finally end it by filing?

Was it a friend of hers filing for divorce, or a loss in her family or is she going through a MLC or ?

As far as coldness and distance goes, I absolutely know how incredibily hard that can be, cause I'm going through it too right now. I do agree with another poster who told you to move back home, because if she's the one who wants the D, she should be the one leaving! I agree. It's also a very good sign for you that she was upset you got your mail forwarded and that she still has all those family and wedding photos up. It means while she has checked out to some degree, she still has some hope and faith that it is not completely over, otherwise she wouldn't bother to care.

So while she is acting so cold and distant, realize that is an act because her actions are betraying her true feelings. For example, my H now cannot even look at me when he talks to me. Our MC says this is because he has to try really hard to detach, and it's not easy for him. This means to me he is still attached to some degree, which is always hopeful. My H is also very controlling like your W and I too am very easy going because you have to be to live with someone like that. So, I think for the both of us, our 180's need to show that we are being much more distant by being super busy by not accepting the silent treatment from them. I think a way to do this would NOT to talk to them, but instead be cheerful and sunny looking when you enounter the spouse, and have energetic and busy body language. In other words, don't become controlling, but the 180 is to show you (us) are no longer letting their controlling behavior (ignorning, coldness) getting to us, the more easy going, probably more sensitve spouses. How does that sound?

Here's another example of how I didn't let my controlling spouse control me any longer... I love gardening, and since we have been arguing so much this spring, and I actually left for 2 weeks in early April, I hadn't done anything with the garden. We had talked about me putting in a veggie garden in the backyard earlier but hadn't ever decided on a specific place. So, I asked him about it like I'd ask a 3 year old something (I don't have a 3 yo, but this is what I've seen on "SuperNanny"...you don't ask them if they want to brush their teeth for bed, but you give them options that include all of the above) "Jimmy, which toothbrush do you want to use, your electric Seasame Street one, or the red Superman brush?". I asked him merely if he he had a preference to WHERE I would put it in. He got all flustered and said "Don't dig up MY lawn"! He owned the house solo before I moved in and sold my condo. Guess what I did? When he was gone, I did dig my garden, but made it much smaller and less obtrusive than I would have done. This was in part because I found it incredibly hard breaking up the lawn and also to somewhat respect his boundries. But my point here is that I went about doing what I love to do and didn't let him stop me nor control me.

In fact, I take care of all the gardening now, and weeding, and it has never looked better. I know that he is tickled that "his" plants are doing so well right now. Also, I've found gardening incredibly theraputic, from watching new life emerge day by day from seeds to enjoying removing weeds when I'm in a frusterated mood! It also keeps me busy and out of our very small house, which is important, because I'm trying to give him his space.

Ok, this went on and on, but I wanted to give you some help hopefully because I hear myself in your pleas for help and answers. This is such a very hard time in your life. While I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this, congratulations on finding us here, and keep your head up knowing that you sound like you are truly doing everything you possibly can to preserve your marriage.

You sound like you are open minded and willing to do the hard work needed to save your marriage and that means a lot. I do want to warn you though, about something that I read in the (newer book) DR - Michelle says that I think is especially relevant for those of us who are married to controlling people....no matter what we do, as the LBS (left behind spouse I think, as opposed to the WAS Walk away spouse, as far as emotionally), we cannot always save the marriage, even if we do 99% of the work.

See, the spouse has to be somewhat receptive and open to the potentiallity of changing their mind, and I personally think that my H made his up weeks ago since he is such a "black and white" type thinker, that we are done. I may never be able to change his mind, and I want you to consider this for yourself in advance for your situation too, becasue as spouses of controlling people most likely we are the ones who always have done all the changing [i] . Now, they have to change their minds, and sometimes I don't think controlling people can do this unless they think the idea is theirs and theirs alone. Does this make sense? So, for the record, I am NO LONGER saying anything to my spouse ever about "saving the marriage" or "working on the marriage" or anything because I want him to think that I've given up and moved on. Frankly, I think this is the only way I have a chance he might, possibly change his mind. And honestly, I'm half way there already, because I'm sick of being miserable.

Eventually, if you act "as if" you have a life, or GAL, you will start to feel better. I've joined a group of women through meetup.com and absolutely FORCED myself to go out to events and get out of the house. I did this even though i would feel tired or not 100% by the time of the event, or it would be too pricey or whatever. Going out and seeing other people energises me and gets my mind out of this damn situation for awhile = priceless, especially right now. It lets my spouse see that I'm not just sitting her crying 24/7. So, trust in this, and focus some of your energy back on work and GAL and doing some cool things with your kids, ignore your spouse, but move back in. Don't mention the D or the relationship at all.

Good luck to you, let's keep in touch here!