It's Complicated! Part 6

[glamgirl]

Saw the commercial last night for depression for cymbalta. Fits my h well. He has been coming over this week, but sleeps mostly when he is here. Looks tired and worn out. Seems to lack focus.

He has been here daily to help with the kids to save money, but seems so out of it these days. Not sure what could change that. He hasn't been looking for work. I had sent him a bunch of job leads. He said he appreciated. Sent him one really good job lead a few weeks ago. Hasn't applied. Was a little put off when I asked if he had applied. I guess he is not intested in looking for work right now. Not my issue. I am still floored that he doesn't see home as a way out to ease the burden on his finances. He is not collecting much from unemployment and it will not be enough to cover should he continue living elsewhere.

In the whole grand scheme of things he doesn't see how favorable moving home would be for both our finances. I am floored that he can't or won't connect those dots. Will he ever make that connection? Oh what does it matter anyway? He is not the person I married.

My h is so wrapped up with things of little value in the scheme of life. Like so over involved with planning and thinking of a business idea he has. Don't get me wrong, I think it's a great idea, but either act on it or focus on what makes sense, like getting a good paying job to support his family. The business thing can come later. He doesn't know how or want to separate what is important NOW. As to the business idea either get an investor and make it happen or forget talking and planning about it. He has been talking and planning for 5 years and is so consumed with it, like finding a job is on the back burner. I guess in many ways it's his way of not dealing with reality. It's easier to absorb myself in business planning than address a m, finances, chidren, separation, depression etc. It doesn't leave much for me and the kids on the other end.

I guess the answer is don't let it concern me, but since he is always bringing it up it bothers me how much time and energy he will spend on an idea, but how little time he will spend trying to fix his m and homelife for his children. As usual his priorities are not in order for a family man. I keep thinking he is a changed man, but maybe the reality is he never was who I thought he was. Before and after we were m, he lead me to believe what a devoted h and family man he was, but in reality I don't think that was the case. His priorities are NOT mine.

It was only a dream that my h was a devoted h and father. Now I can only watch on the side lines as the fathers I know and neighbors I observe parent their children in a way that makes sense to me. Tentative, playing ball, living in the home, strolling with the kids, walking the dog, getting the kids on the bus, oh the list goes on. I am sorry, but this is my vision of a father. One that is there not one that is not.

Oh well, life goes on...............h will never have a clue what being a real father and h truly is.